In a startling maneuver sure to dazzle even the most ardent skeptics, local marketing executive Barney Gruden was able
to not only secure a new Hummer, but received a hummer in the back
seat of that Hummer. “Aaahhh yeah!” exclaimed a noticeably aroused Gruden,
found fogging up the back windows with an unnamed woman. “This is what it’s all
about.” It has not yet been ascertained how Gruden was able to accomplish such
an amazing feat with his distinctly average appearance. Informal studies have
implied a connection between an auto and the status needed to attract sexual partners.
In Gruden’s case, the association seems more potent. His first car was a Datsun
Cherry, a car he kept up until his Senior Prom. Sources claim that while he was
dating a beautiful Native American woman he drove a Jeep Cherokee. Then when she
broke up with him, he traded that in for a Ford Escort, bringing home a new
lady each night. Regardless, Gruden foresees many more hummers in the back seat
of his Hummer. “If these adventures get any more exciting, I’m going to have to
trade this in for an Escapade!”
UTAH – Local polygamist
Graham Stoddard has had enough, and is lobbying the local police force to finally
enforce legislation on the books outlawing his chosen lifestyle. “There is no
justification for my immoral way of life. Plus, every bone in my body is in
constant, searing pain,” opined a visibly haggard Stoddard from a bunker in his
extensive compound 67 miles south-southwest of Salt Lake City. With a total of 12 wives and 72 children, the years of constant polygamy may have finally caught up to the beleaguered and exhausted husband, who is barely able to walk or get out of bed. "This needs to stop. At first I thought this life would be fun and exciting. Now I just want to die. Please, please, please could somebody just come and put me out of my misery?"
By Billy Bernam
Aries (March 21-April 19). Your bully is not amused
when you replace the lunch money he stole from you with Folger’s Crystals.
Taurus (April 20-May 20). Your reality is shattered when you discover
there is no Santa Claus, and you’ll regret those things you let him do in the
janitor’s closet of the mall last Christmas just so you’d get the Blue Power
Gemini (May 21-June 21). You will astound your peers and teachers in
class with the breakthrough discovery of a cure for Cooties, only to have Pfizer squeeze you out when they beat you to the patent office.
Cancer (June 22-July 22). While trying to impress your friends isn’t
necessarily bad, doing so by attempting a 360 degree flip on the swing will
only lead to yet another summer in a full body cast.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You will be shocked to discover that despite
previous claims to the contrary, the examination performed behind the bushes in
the backyard was not performed by an accredited doctor.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Your lobbying efforts to replace regular
basketball in gym class with an hour of Xbox NBA Jam 2006 each day will fail
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Success can be yours with the right amount of effort,
so long as nobody finds out most of your amazing magazine fundraising numbers
have come from selling Hustler subscriptions to prison inmates.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). The bite you received from a radioactive
spider in science class does not lead to superpowers, but it does lead to an
awkward 45 minutes with Ms. Hellgaard, the school nurse with halitosis.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You think you’re a unique kid with
special talents who’s really popular at school, but everybody knows you’re
just a big poopyhead.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Your campaign for class treasurer at the
elementary school is severely hampered by revelations that you took dirty money
from Jack Abramoff.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). You feel a sense of
urgency today that you haven’t felt in a long time, probably because you drank
seven Capri Suns and you’ve been holding in the pee for three hours now.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Despite the tireless efforts, your inability
to become an emancipated minor or look even remotely Cambodian dashes any hope of being
adopted by Angelina Jolie.
PAUL, Minn. – After briefly hanging out with several coworkers at Wet Willy’s,
a local topless bar just outside downtown St. Paul, thirty eight year old
Sheldon Bonsworth realized he would have a hard time explaining to his wife why
he smelled like strippers.
just wanted to wind down after a long day’s work,” said Bonsworth. “Now I reek
of watered down liquor and pole dancer sweat. Sharon’s
gonna be so pissed.”
male coworkers from the Shigby & Wells accounting firm joined him at the
edge of the stage, savoring the slender, naked dancers writhing and wiggling for
at least 45 minutes. “Sheldon didn’t seem too concerned while Kayla was shoving
her shapely ass cheeks in his face for dollar bills.”
realization of his predicament materialized after Kayla, a buxom brunette,
offered him a third lap-dance. A noticeably tipsy Bonsworth became visibly
alarmed, mumbled something about “the aroma of ho’s” and immediately dashed out
the back door.
sucks. I couldn’t get this stench off of me with a fire hose and a barrel full
of lime.” Bonsworth described the distinct odor associated with strippers was
as “a combination of Victoria’s Secret lotions, thongs and fragrant crotch-rot.”
no permanent solutions to the pungent stripper scent have been discovered, scientists
recommend a thorough and extended soaking in a bathtub full of tomato juice, a
home remedy similar to that applied after being sprayed by a skunk.
Bonsworth faced the same dilemma last June after colleagues entertained clients at Wet
Willy’s. After arriving home nearly
three hours late with lipstick smudges on his collar and glitter stuck in his
eyebrows, his wife made him sleep on the couch for a week.
Weary of the endless misappropriation of their properties
during debates and discussion, apples and oranges have finally agreed in
principle to merge into one entity, ending years of struggle between their
“We just got tired of every jerk on the street using the
lack of similarity between apples and oranges to symbolize their own disagreements.
The time has come for apples and oranges to stand together and proclaim that we are united in purpose despite our differences,” said a
spokesman for the newly formed Apple-Orange Alliance.
Lazy pundits and amateurish high school debate teams may be
forced to find other hackneyed analogies to run into the ground. No longer will
they be able to depend on the apple-orange comparison to expose their opponents’
false parallels. “This is a victory for all those apple and orange lovers
exhausted by the constant discrimination of people bent on always pointing out
Some candidates for replacing the apple-orange comparison in
everyday vernacular include cars and boats, ponies and mules, Playstations and Xboxes,
boners and labias, and possibly Christopher Lloyds and Christopher Walkens.
Other fruits are rumored to be disgruntled at being left out
of the merger proposition. A spokesman for bananas grumbled at the lack of
interest in them for a role in the newly formed union. “We’ve been featured in
many hilarious slapstick skits, not to mention a world-famous Harry Belafonte
tune. We don’t understand why apples and oranges would snub us from their
negotiations.” Rumors have it the negative connotations of bananas when
referencing mental patients ultimately played a role in the slight. A similar problem
was cited by the raspberry, who claimed his calls to the apple-orange
federation weren’t returned due to its own close association with flatulence.
Still, the apple/orange merger is seen in many circles as an
important first step towards the eventual fortification of a unified fruit
coalition. Experts aren’t sure whether the new partnership will use the term applanges
or orpples to signify their solidarity. Regardless, the new alliance signifies
a major shift in the world of bland comparisons, since apples and oranges can
no longer be considered two separate entities.
The Surgeon General released a new study revealing that prolonged exposure
to public areas with girls wearing clothes with words on them may lead you to
become a dirty, dirty pervert.
“Check out that fine ass. It says Hottie. She is so damn fine, I’d like to take that and…..Ugghh! That
chick’s like 11 or something. Great, I’m going to hell,” said Ricky, a hot dog
vendor on a local Tuscon street.
He, like many innocent bystanders, have gotten increasingly caught up in the moment, allowing literacy to turn him into a nasty old creep.Although scientists and educators previously thought the promotion
of words on fashion apparel could lead to higher rates of literacy, they have
since come to a consensus that such endorsement could lead onlookers to filthy
and depraved thoughts.
Most egregious of the examples is the Juicy Couture, a label
that emblazons sexy words on the back of its tight, sexy and form-fitting
apparel. “AAaaack!” cried one man at the Springwood Village Mall in downtown
Tuscon, “The words monogrammed on that girl’s pink spandex shorts forced me to
stare at her voluptuous butt for at least 10 seconds longer than I would have
normally. She’s like 12 or 13 for God’s sake! I’m appalled, frankly.”
The Surgeon General urged parents to resist the temptation to
allow their children to dress as whores in training, especially with English
words on the mammary or posterior areas. “You may think you’re promoting literacy,
but you’re really just turning otherwise normal men into a bunch of sleazy old coots.”
In a shocking turn of events, Frank and Shirley Englebart
returned from their first night out away from their children in over 8 months
to find the babysitter dead in the living room. The babysitter, pictured on the left, had been a longtime family friend and confidant, helping to raise the Englebart’s three children for over 4 years.
The two parents were enjoying a delicious T-Bone steak and
scrumptious southwest chicken wrap at TGIFriday’s when Shirley insisted on cutting the
night short when she had what she referred to as ‘a bad feeling.’
When the loving parents finally arrive home, they found Grace (9), Jessica (7) and Samantha (6) huddled together
on the living room sofa next to the babysitter’s dead, lifeless carcass. Grace, the oldest sister, seemed to take the loss in stride, understanding the babysitter could be replaced. But Jessica and
Samantha displayed intial signs of traumatization associated with losing a
loved one. They also couldn’t watch their favorite
show Blues Clues as a result of the
“We were all watching A Series of Unfortunate Events with
Jim Carrey because I think he’s really funny. Then like out of nowhere the
babysitter just stopped functioning and died right there in front of us. Like,
bam!” said Grace. At first the children panicked, but cooler heads prevailed
and after a few minutes the three agreed to call the authorities for
“Those kids are so brave,” said Sheriff O’Donahue, the first
policeman to the scene of the babysitter’s demise. “I don’t know what I would have done in
the same situation. But they kept their cool and called the local electronics
repairman.” Unfortunately for the Englebarts, the repairman was unable to arrive in time to save the day since his next opening was in July.
Local law enforcement officials are suspecting the
babysitter died of natural causes, although foul play has not been ruled out
entirely. An electrical storm may have caused a power surge, leading to the regrettable
incident, but scratches on the babysitter’s back and small puddles of spilled cherry
kool-aid on the sitter’s extremities have lead detectives to delay ruling
out any of the three children as contributing to the babysitter’s untimely
“Our babysitter has always been so dependable in the past,”
said Mrs. Englebart. Mr. Englebart added, “The sitter always took great care of
the kids and helped free up some time to ourselves once in awhile. We demand
the authorities get to the bottom of this, and soon. Hopefully before the NBA