DENVER, Col. – Seen as a pioneer in his industry, humble drug dealer and entrepreneur Ernest Jones has decided to cut into his
competition by accepting his competitor’s coupons at face value.

For a limited time, Jones has offered to accept buy-one-get-one-free
coupons. “If you bring in a
competitor’s coupon, I will honor it. Buy one dime
bag of Stardust, Blow, Rock, Snow, Dirt, Meth, Ludes, Skid, Angel Dust,
Shrooms, Ganja, Roofies, Sleepers or Whippits and get another bag of equal or
lesser value, absolutely free. Get twice the smack at half the price!” said
Jones.

Due to recent police crackdowns and the movement of rival
drug dealers in his area, Jones has had to endure a shrinking clientele and
waning sales figures. Recent statistics revealed that Jones’ quarterly earnings are hovering at an all-time low. He expressed that his main goal is to seek innovative ways to increase
the drug trafficking income he receives from his Colfax Avenue territory, between Quebex and Spruce. “I’ve
got to find a way to meet my muthafuckin’ projections. I gots to get paid.”   

Other marketing strategies, including punch cards towards free blow and complimentary toaster ovens with bulk reefer purchases, have met with mixed success. Where those strategies failed, the local dealer anticipates this particular offer to reap record profits.

Added Jones, “Don’t be trying to use your coupons in conjunction
with any other promotion or discount including blowjobs
given to me by skeezers. This offer subject to availability, so don’t make me
bust a cap in yo ass. Not valid during drug dealing peak hours. Offer valid
only when you pay with cold, hard cash. Valid one per day- that means you,
tweakers. Not valid where prohibited or while I’m locked up waiting for bail. And
it’s non-fucking-transferable, bitch.”

GAINESVILLE, Florida – Eight year old Christopher Schroeder
celebrated with his neighborhood friend Joshua after launching his razor
scooter off a homemade ramp and soaring over 2 feet into the air. The successful
launch was accomplished after a long afternoon that included numerous failed attempts. One jump ended in a skinned knee,
and another hilarious attempt involved the crushing of Christopher’s testicles.

The boys’ makeshift ramp was created with a recycle bin from Christopher’s driveway
and two pieces of old plywood found in Joshua’s backyard. After a few crashes,
the boys were forced to make several adjustments to the contraption, including the angle of the
ramp boards and the length needed to gain enough momentum to launch the
scooter.

“Sweet!” exclaimed Joshua, as Christopher soared majestically above
the ground before plummeting face-first into Mrs. Hubbard’s prize winning begonias. “That was the best one ever!” The elation of this truly momentous occasion lasted over 7 minutes, only to be forgotten when Christopher’s mother called them
inside for Sunny Delight and Rice Krispie treats.

 

LOS ANGELES, Calif. – Heralded as a triumph for handicapped people across the world, tone deaf
performers who can’t sing or play musical instruments have found unparalleled
success in the music industry airwaves. According to community activists, a
major cultural shift in the public’s views over the last two decades has opened
doors for intolerably tone deaf performers to succeed musically.


“Beyond a doubt, it’s one of the most inspiring stories. These
artists have come to symbolize strength over adversity and the will to succeed
despite being terrible at what they do. It’s amazing what they’ve accomplished
in the face of honest to God musical incompetency,” said Dominic Stevinson,
national spokesman for the Special Olympics. “What sweet little troopers. I mean, not one of them can hold a tune if their life depended on it. Not even Jingle Bells. Slurred speech, mumbling, poor English. They’re proof that you don’t have to have an ounce of skill in your field to find success. Truly a shining
example for future generations of handicapped people.”

Trends indicate that the success of aspiring musical
performers no longer hinges on attributes like talent, musical ability, understanding
of music theory or even melodic knowledge. Regional director of the Lowenstein
Music Foundation, Wan Hitomi, agrees. “With the ascendancy of technology like
sequencers, samplers and pitch machines, we can make the howls of a diseased
kitten sound like Pavarotti. You don’t have to be able to play the piano or saxophone. Some 8 year old with a laptop can out-diddy P-Diddy.”

A recent Gallup poll also shed some light on the loosening attitudes of the public towards musical
artists. When asked what was most important in choosing musicians to listen to,
only 9% of respondents said ‘musical talent’. Conversely, 12% indicated ‘cleavage’, and 73% responded with ‘amount of bling in they grill’.

“The glass ceiling has finally been shattered,” said BMG publicist
Julia Blackwell while wiping tears from her eyes. “The legacy of dreadfully unskilled,
tone deaf visionaries like Tone Loc and Biz Markie has finally come to fruition
in our generation. It’s truly a blessing to know the music industry is no
longer prejudiced against people just because they aren’t good at, you know, the
music part. Everyone gets a shot.”

This achievement has not gone unheralded in other fields.
The huge strides handicapped music performers have accomplished has given hope
to other groups striving to succeed in fields where they’re highly unqualified.
A growing number of eunuchs have lobbied to join the porn industry. Also included
in the growing list of those inspired to overcome adversity are grossly overweight ballet performers, narcoleptic sky dive instructors
and Keanu Reeves.

“In a world of uncertainty, it’s heartwarming to know that it doesn’t matter that I stink to high heaven at what I do. Not important. We can all find solace in the fact
that the world will still let us succeed at something we totally suck at,” said Stevinson.

 

Green_man_group

SKOKIE, Ill.
– Local color blind entertainer Barry Gruden thoroughly ruined his one chance
to join the Blue Man Group after accidentally painting himself green for the
audition. Gruden, an avid fan and self-proclaimed "Blue Man Fanatic", was
extremely excited to discover the performance group was holding Chicago auditions.

After meticulously planning his piece, Gruden rushed out the door to make the 25
mile trip to the audition site. “Barry’s a little forgetful about his color
blindness. He didn’t check with me before he left,” said wife Martha.

“I wanted to impress them so much they’d offer me a
contract, but I really fucked up,” said a flustered Gruden after the audition. “They
were all behind a table painted in blue as usual. But halfway through my
routine they broke with their characteristic unblinking stare and started
cracking up uncontrollably.”

“It was fucking
hilarious. The idiot was in full green makeup. He looked like Kermit the Frog’s
lovechild,” said one of the Blue Men. “We’re professionals, sure. But showing
up to an audition like that is priceless. What a dimwit.” Gruden had a similar
problem last Halloween, when he dressed his 5 year old son Troy as a Lavender Smurf, leading to an entire night of wedgies and mockery from the neighborhood children.

 

Playing_twister_activity_4
TERRE HAUTE, Ind.– What began as an innocent foray into a classic children’s game of Twister
quickly transformed into a massive, uncontrollable acceleration of puberty for
several Terre Haute youths. Fifteen
year olds Bobby Hacket, Gerald McFarlane and Jamie Sinclair experienced a
complex sequence of hormonal changes which increased with each flick of the
spinner and placement of limbs on the Twister mat.

The proximity of the adolescents’ crotch regions became an issue as the Twister game continued and a greater tangling of limbs
and torsos ensued. After rubbing up against Gerald’s leg, Jamie felt the hormonal
changes almost instantaneously. The amplitude of her LH pulses increased, and
her ovaries began producing testosterone. As the boy’s hands trailed around her
hip bone in a movement they claimed was to find a red dot, Jamie’s granulose
cells were immediately engorged with estrodial, the major benefactor of uterus
and breast growth as well as increases in vaginal mucosa.


The next spin of the Twister board engulfed the trio in
compromising positions which led to more inadvertent contact amongst their
increasingly sweaty, platonic bodies. “It was, like, totally weird,” said
Jamie. “Gerald and Bobby are cute, but I swear I was just trying to get my leg
over to the green dot. I didn’t mean to brush against Gerald’s, you know,
stuff.”

As soon as Gerald realized Jamie had “accidentally” nestled against his
pubic region, his body quickly heightened the Leydig cells in his testes to
increase testosterone and blood levels, and promptly amplified his androgen
receptors’ mediation of dihydrotestosterone. As Gerald settled into a position
which forcefully jammed Jamie’s budding left breast into his chin, his estrodial
count augmented and began the closure of his epiphyses.

“It was a strange feeling, my heart was pounding. We were
all twisted up, and when they yelled out left hand yellow, I just like reached
for the dot that would get me as close to Jamie’s butt as possible. Jamie’s
cute, and I’d never been so close to a girl’s ass before,” confessed Bobby
while scratching a newly formed pimple on the tip of his nose. 


There is no consensus as to how extensive the effects the
game of Twister may have had on the teenagers’ development into adulthood. But
experts agree that had they decided to play Connect Four or Uno instead,
advancement of the hormonal systems leading to development of reproductive
organs and maturation might have been delayed up to four or five months.

Some speculate that if Jamie hadn’t slipped under the weight
of the two boys and ended the game, a spin of right foot blue or right hand green may have introduced her to the need for birth control, and Bobby and
Gerald to the fact that their sexual preferences were far from settled.

WASHINGTON D.C. – In a hastily announced press conference early Monday afternoon, Rep. Troy
Carlsbad (R, Delaware) resigned amid a swirl of scandal and controversy to spend
time with some other family besides his own.

“I think it’s best for all involved if I spend time with a
different family, because like the rest of America, my own family seems to
think I’m a filthy, revolting slime-ball from hell,” said a glib Carlsbad while
standing next to the random Chinese family he plans to stay with indefinitely.


“Mr. and Mrs. Wong, little Chyou and Shing, and all the rest
of the Wong family, without your tireless support it would have been impossible
to make it through this tough ordeal. I hope to spend many months with you,
sleeping on your couch, eating your mushu, and laughing at your silly accents
until my own family decides to talk to me again,” said Carlsbad.

The Wongs nodded aggressively in agreement. "We rike Tloy velly velly much," said Mr. Wong. "He can stay with us untir the cows come home."

Carlsbad has
been plagued since early 2004 with a myriad of charges and allegations. Included
are several ethics investigations, accusations of fraud and embezzlement,
criminal indictments for blackmail and racketeering, drug stings, using taxpayer
funds to buy booze and hookers, controversial statements about “blackies”
caught on tape and involvement in lurid affairs with both female and male
staffers.

At the press conference, Carlsbad pleaded with his constituents to keep the faith. “My political enemies are
trying to destroy me. These allegations are baseless. All 179 of them.” The
vast litany of scandals that have overwhelmed Carlsbad has made it nearly impossible to retain a firm grasp of his voting base, and
his resignation is seen in political circles as a culmination of years of unapologetic bastardry and douche baggery.


Teresa, Carlsbad’s
third wife, was glad to see him finally go. “He’s not spending time with his
real family, that’s for sure. We don’t want anything to do with the lying,
cheating, infantile bum. Dragging our good name through the mud like that,
claiming he’s being framed by political foes, it’s unforgivable. I’m gonna take
him for all he’s worth in the divorce, and the kids too. I hope he rots in
hell.”

“We’ll patch things up,” said Carlsbad.
“It’s just a minor bump in the road.”

Ongoing legal travails and an almost certain divorce
guarantee crushing debt for the once wealthy Congressman. And yet Carlsbad didn’t seem too worried at the press conference, confident in the idea that
spending time with some other family will cure what ails him. He informed the
Wongs he plans to stay with them until the shame, disgrace, embarrassment,
indignity and humiliation pass, or he is offered a position as a commentator on
Fox News. “Whichever comes first,” added Carlsbad.

In a rare joint session of Congress, a new law was passed
late Thursday making it a federal crime to speak any language besides English
on American soil, causing immediate deportation of millions of naturally born
white Americans. As the end of Thursday’s session quickly approached, the
Republican controlled Congress put finishing touches on the Patriot Language
Act
which makes English the official language of the United State under penalty of law.

Under the directive, the INS now has the power to deport any
person in America caught using a language not resembling proper English to a
detention center in Guantanamo. The
IPA, the APA, and the editors of Webster’s Dictionary have all agreed to advise
the INS in this potentially monumental endeavor.

In addition to the expected roundup of Taco Bell drive-thru
attendants, the Act has already had several unintended effects. Most notably is
the upcoming deportation of the nation’s entire teen population. Millions of American ages 13-18 are scheduled to be rounded up and shipped to Cuba over the coming months as a result of not being able to put together a normal, grammatically correct sentence in English.The outcry may inspire protests even larger than the
immigration marches of the past few weeks.

“Like, that is sooooo wrong, oh my gawd. They’re, like
taking us to Cuba?
I’m totally not going to Mexico,
fer sure. I mean, like do they even have, like, a Gap there and stuff? As if.
Don’t even go there. Pshaw,” said 15 year old Britney Mayfield of Beverly Hills
High.

Another unintentional side affect of the new legislation was
the complete decimation of the entire rap industry.  INS officials have already taken into custody
some of the more pernicious non-English speaking offenders, including Snoop
Dogg, 50 Cent, Ludacris and Juvenile. As a result, MTV has suspended all
tapings of Total Request Live.

Said INS Commissioner James Ziglar, “Rounding up all the
non-English speaking rappers and hippity-hop artists was extremely simple. We
knew where they were, since 59% of all known rappers are already in prison."

Experts speculate that the next group of non-English speakers
to be targeted for deportation by the INS may be the more egregious offenders
of the internet community. “If you have ever instant messaged somebody with indecipherable
hieroglyphics of any sort, you will be taken into custody,” said Ziglar. “Who’s
l-o-l-ing
now?”

Critics of the ‘English Only’ law see it as a rash response
to the recent immigration debate. “It’s obviously a ploy by Republican
lawmakers to appeal to their base,” said ACLU spokesman John Bernard. “Being a
patriotic American is not predicated on whether or not you end a sentence with
a preposition or leave participles dangling all the time.”

Said one angry detainee after being confined to an INS cell
for deportation, “Awwwwww, hell no. This ain’t right, yo. Naw, fo sho. Theyz
all up in my bidness when day be comin’ up in my crib and take me and my
shortie for a ride. We are izzal mad, dawg, gettin’ yo ass thrown outta
da stizzates fo mutilatin’ da language n’ shit. Naw, I ain’t havin’ dat, ya know what I’m sayin’? Fo real.

Sponsor of the bill, Congressman James Sensenbrenner of Wisconsin, was unrepentant
for what he called “a boon for the real Americans. Some whiners may say that
rounding up and deporting everyone who doesn’t speak English is too drastic.
But that’s pre-9/11 thinking. These people cannot be tolerated any longer. If you
live in America
you had better speak English. Capisce?” 


After signing the legislation into law, President Bush
declared, “Our nation’s long nightmare is finally over. At long last we have
one, single national language that can unite us from sea to shining sea. So now
when I ask the question ‘is our children learning?’ Americans can be confident
that the answer is ‘Yes. Yes they is.’” CNN reports that they acquired tape
showing that immediately after his speech, Bush was apprehended by INS
officials for questioning.

NEW JERSEY –
In his second year of being home schooled, twelve
year old Matthew Hutchings has become bewildered by his parents, who in
addition to teaching him geography and chemistry, have also taken turns relentlessly
taunting and bullying him. “I don’t get it. Dad gives me money for lunch, then
when I go out to the backyard he pushes me around and demands I give the money
to him or he’ll punch me,” said a confused Matthew.

Between lectures on Pythagoras and discussions about early
American history, Mr. and Mrs. Hutchings have implemented techniques they claim
replicate the normal interaction their son would be having at school with
bullies his age. They cited studies showing the degeneration of quality in
public schools as reason to take over their child’s education as well as his bullying
needs. Matthew has proven to be a bit bemused, and it has taken some getting used to. “Dad gave me a Wet-Willy and Mom
called me a Four-Eyed Fag. But she bought me those glasses.”


“Matthew’s resisting a bit, but we know what we’re doing,”
said Mrs. Hutchings. “We want to give our child a well-rounded, comprehensive
educational experience. That means not only covering the broad spectrum of reading, writing,
and arithmetic, but it also means giving him daily wedgies and de-pantsing him constantly
during gym class. Otherwise, we’re not doing our job.”

An unapologetic Mrs. Hutchings then finished giving Matthew
his Swirlie by jamming his head back into the toilet and violently flushing.
“Who’s your daddy, huh? Who’s your daddy now, bitch! Now go finish your essay
on Vasco De Gama, sweetiepie.”