Crips_1
SOUTH CENTRAL, Calif. – In an attempt to save his reputation as a cold-blooded inner-city gangster
with street cred, local hood Anfernee Marsallis has spent several years
pretending to love the movie Scarface while secretly adoring Pee-Wee’s Big
Adventure
. “I’m tired of sneaking around behind my homeys’ backs, but I gots to
do it if I wanna maintain my status as a ruthless gangsta sonuffabitch,” said
Marsallis.

Scarface_2
Over the years, the movie Scarface and its posters have become calling cards
for the urban gangster lifestyle. Posters of Al Pacino’s character from Brian
DePalma’s cult classic continue to be prominently displayed on the walls of the
homes of gang members, drug dealers and hoodlums all across the nation. Pee-Wee’s
Big Adventure
was Tim Burton’s cult hit from 1985 about a nerdy loser with a
speech impediment in a red bow-tie who went on cross-country trip to search for
his stolen bike.

Peewee_02
The affection Marsallis feels for the Paul Reubens’ character
has occasionally had dire consequences. In one harrowing incident, Marsallis
found himself on the wrong side of town surrounded by a rival gang of Bloods.
He attempted to win them over by reenacting a scene from the movie, where Pee
Wee won over a ruthless biker gang by dancing a “Tequila Dance” to the song by the Champs. Directly proceeding the altercation, Marsallis spent 7 weeks in
the local hospital’s ICU recovering from seven gunshot wounds to his legs and
abdomen.

“During last weeks liquor store robbery, my nigga Marcus
pulled out his gun and used Pacino’s famous line from Scarface– ‘Say hello to
my little friend.’ I wanted to keep my mind on the cash register, but all I
could think about was how I craved to say ‘Tell em’ Large Marge sent ya!’
instead.”

The fondness the gangsta culture has for Pacino’s Scarface has
not translated into other films, and Marsallis is fearful nobody will ever
understand his obsession with Pee Wee. Still, he holds out hope someday he won’t
have to hide his love for the 80’s cult favorite.  “He may have been a scrawny little white guy,
but Pee Wee was one bad muthafucker with a cool ass bike!”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an unexpected move, President Bush named the beloved and bespectacled Mr. Monopoly
Guy as the next Treasury Secretary, in hopes that the unanticipated nominee will
bring much needed credibility to an administration in crisis.

Mr. Monopoly Guy will replace John Snow, who had filled the Cabinet position
since 2003. Although both outgoing and incoming secretaries have had experience
heading up giant railroad companies, Monopoly Guy’s resume is far more
extensive. His broad and far-reaching experience spans decades, and includes
overseeing of several utility companies, supervision of numerous rental
properties, as well as the construction and management of mammoth hotels on the
famed Boardwalk and Park Place properties.

“Mr. Monopoly, or as I like to call him, Rich Uncle Pennybags, is supremely
qualified for this position in my Cabinet. He understands economic policy and
has a keen grasp of our initiatives. Plus, them top hats are so cool. I wanna
wear one of those, heh-heh-heh,” said Bush, referring to the headwear Mr. Monopoly has adorned
since he came into the public spotlight.

Mr. Monopoly was a major fundraiser for the 2004 Bush reelection, earning
the title “pioneer” for having earned over $100,000 dollars for the president’s
campaign. After several bank errors in his favor, that number rose to almost a
quarter of a million dollars. A previous scandal had several major economic
players accusing Mr. Monopoly of stealing from the till after he insisted on being
their “banker” during important transactions, although the charges were
eventually dropped.

Skeptics also remain unconvinced that Monopoly’s seasoned real estate
experience will translate well on Bush’s team. They cite his previous support
of draconian tax structure, including the school tax, income tax and poor tax.

“We’ve had decent growth in the private sector over the last two years. I
don’t see how adding a guy whom many associate with pure greed can help us in
an election year,” said one Bush Aide who wished to remain anonymous. “Plus,
the guy has no concept of inflation. Twenty-four bucks rent for a high end house in Marvin Gardens? Come on, what is this, 1936?”

Although sources are uncertain precisely how much influence Mr. Monopoly
will have on current economic policy, he has already made waves by presenting
$200 handouts to members of Congress every time they come around the block. He
also is alleged to have offered to trade Condaleeza Rice the deeds to his
Baltic and Mediterranean for her Washington apartment.

The Senate Finance Committee, headed by Chuck Grassley, R-Iowa, is anticipated
to schedule hearings for Mr. Monopoly in the not too distant future, and all indications point to an easy appointment. "He’s a wonderful nomination by Bush. He’ll be the only Treasury Secretary to ever have had his own float in the Macy’s Parade!" said Grassley.

“America’s
economic ascendancy was built on the backs of entrepreneurship and the natural competitiveness
of the private market,” said Mr. Monopoly at his nomination press conference. “Plus,
I promise everyone will get Free Parking.

Despite Mr. Monopoly’s resume, rumors abound that Bush appointed him to the position for the sole
purpose of retrieving his coveted “Get Out of Jail Free”
cards as an emergency bail out for fellow Republican cohorts combatting a recent slew of criminal indictments.

CITRIS HEIGHTS,
Ca. – Continuing a disturbing trend of bigotry among young children, 10 year
old Brandon Amhrein was suspended from attending class for two weeks after
exhibiting extreme lactose intolerance in the school cafeteria.

The confrontation occurred last Tuesday when Maggie, the
cafeteria lady, attempted to give Brandon a carton of chocolate milk with his school lunch. Brandon
refused to take the milk, insisting on a juice alternative. Maggie recalled, “I
asked him what he had against
milk, and he told me outright that he was lactose intolerant. Heavens to Betsy,
I couldn’t believe it. To be so openly intolerant in this day and age? I was
shocked to say the least!”


Mariposa Elementary Principal Scott Samson was unapologetic
about the incident. “I’m appalled by Brandon,
frankly. This is a disturbing trend in our children. We have been given strict
standards to promote open-mindedness and diversity in the student body. Milk
prejudice is absolutely unacceptable. We have zero tolerance for intolerance
around here.”

Although the San Juan school district has launched a full investigation into the episode, initial
sentiment from the community seems to support Principal Samson’s actions. Both
the teacher’s union and the PTA have come out in support of Brandon’s
suspension, citing tolerance codes as incontestable.


The ACLU has issued a press release condemning the
suspension, claiming the child’s lactose intolerance is protected in ways similar
to the rights of KKK members to march in parades. “No matter how despicable Brandon’s
lactose intolerant views may be, those appalling views are nevertheless
protected under the first amendment of the Constitution.”

When asked for comment, Brandon simply answered, “I don’t know what the big deal is. I wish I could be more
tolerant of the lactose, but milk makes me fart and
gives me the runs.”


LAS VEGAS, Nev. -In a failed attempt to cash in on the recent popularity of Texas Hold Em’
Poker tournaments, ESPN admitted they had miscalculated the demand to see the
world’s best players vie in a World Series of Strip Poker. “We wanted credibility,
so we hired only the top players in the world for the game. But we forget to
consider how truly ugly and disgusting the great poker players actually are,” said
ESPN programming vice president Charles Bender.

Promoters neglected to consider the fact that most of today’s renowned poker players make a living by sitting on their asses indoors drinking
and eating for extended periods of time. This has led them to develop poor
hygiene, pock marks and excessive flabbiness. “I love Texas Hold Em’,” said local
poker enthusiast Tina Flanagan, “But most of the guys who play the game make Keith
Richards look like Brad Pitt. I’d rather see a three legged puppy hump a dead
monkey than watch those guys strip down to their birthday suits. Yuck.”

Nielsen ratings tracked the downward spiral of the World
Series of Strip Poker telecast, revealing that viewership slipped after Huck
Seed’s straight flush forced a befuddled Johnny Chan to reveal the lacy pink
thong he wore under his shorts. The telecast lost nearly all its viewers after
perennial poker legend Doyle Brunsen had to slip off the collared t-shirt he wore,
exposing his saggy, mole-infested man tits. After an ace failed to show on the
river, the sight of Phil Hellmuth’s shriveled, pale nutsack caused many in the
tournament audience to vomit explosively.

ESPN had hoped Jennifer Tilly, the voluptuous actress and a legitimate female
poker champion, would agree to appear in the strip poker
tournament. But talks deteriorated after she scoffed at the channel’s initial courtship. “If you think I want to be in the
room while a bunch of pasty old fat men expose the junk in their trunk, you’re
kidding yourself,” replied Tilly.

 

 

 

(UNASSOCIATED PRESS) – An independent clinical study
released yesterday by the Pew Research Center has discovered that at least 23
percent of the ingredients in takeout pizza include the bodily fluids from the
industry’s teenage employees.

National pizza chains have traditionally employed a large
percentage of the American teenage population. Not only has this provided adolescents with the
opportunity to earn extra money for summer activities, they now have the chance to
disseminate various bodily secretions into the food of unsuspecting patrons in previously unheard of amounts.

The Pew Center, a nonpartisan research organization, obtained the test results through a random sampling of
delivery pizzas from national chains including Domino’s, Pizza Hut and Papa
John’s. The study revealed that the urban legend involving various bodily ooze making its
way into your food contained a grain of truth.


“Certainly these kids are learning the value of a hard days
work,” said Pew Research Fellow Dr. Damon Stottelmeyer. “But they are also
ascertaining, perhaps intuitively, how easy it is to hock a gooey loogie into a
large pepperoni, and the customer is none the wiser.”

This sort of passive-aggressive behavior is only aggravated
by additional emissions teens may unintentionally discharge onto pizza
ingredients, including brow sweat splashed
onto the pizza dough and excessive sneezing over the toppings area during flu season.

“I don’t even want to know what some of the more perverted
kids do in the back office with the blinds shut. Who knows what sort of nasty
double entendres are manifested on top of the Meat Lovers pizza?” said
Stottelmeyer. The revelation has already caused a furor in the pizza eating
community, and the FDA has threatened to intervene.

While not denying teen spew has spurted onto their product, some
major pizza chains dismissed the more sinister implications of the study’s
results, betraying their deeply entrenched dependence on cheap teenage
labor. “The continued health of our customers is of utmost importance to us,” said a
spokesman for Pizza Hut. “If this study is corroborated, we intend to ensure all
of our food charts are updated to include calorie counts for teenage spit and jizz.” 

Old_guy
HOLLYWOOD, Ca. – Having waited since August of 1932 to become a world renowned film actor, ninety-three year old Bernard
Bixby has come to the conclusion that he’s finally ready for his big break.  “I’ve waited 75 years for this. Put in my
dues. Took the classes. Sat on the casting couch. Auditioned like hell and kissed
ass. It’s time for ol’ Bernie to be a star!” said Bixby while waiting at line
for soup at the New Life Men’s Shelter in Orange County.

Bixby came close to stardom several times in his erratic
career. “I met Marilyn Monroe once when I was a janitor on the set of Niagara in 53’. And I almost got the voiceover gig for Mr. Ed back in 61’. No really,
came thiiiiis close, but I hear George Burns stepped in and lobbied for Allan Lane to do the damn horse’s voice instead of me. The colossal prick.”

Thirty four homeless years later, Bixby briefly enjoyed a $200 paycheck from a stint
as a corpse on Homicide: Life on the Street in January of 1995. However, the wealth and
fame from that performance quickly dried. Producers and casting directers were reluctant to cast him again as a result of complaints from the Homicide set that he smelled of bourbon and pee. By February the money had dried up and Bixby was
back to living his dream of acting through sleeping in boxes while eating the
rancid refuse from the dumpsters behind Spago’s.

“I’m gonna make it big in this town, just you watch,” said Bixby
while wiggling one of his last remaining front teeth. "It’s never too late. I may be older than dirt, but I tells ya, Bernie Bixby’s name’s
gonna be on the Marquee! All the way to the top! I’m gonna be a STAR! Hey, buddy you got a buck?”

Someguy
SEATTLE, Wash. – Having received a DVD copy of The Godfather Part III for his birthday, 17
year old Seattle native Brian Engle
must decide whether or not to actually watch the shittiest of Francis Ford
Coppola’s sprawling, epic trilogy. “I’ve heard that it’s confusing, it drags,
and that Sofia Coppola takes a big dump all over the film with her pathetic
mugging.” Part three has long been criticized for being the most inferior and
unnecessary, known to some as the Joey Fatone of the Godfather films.

35f
Not the first time in his life he’s been forced to make tough
programming choices, Engle has often chosen putrid entertainment based on name
recognition alone. “I loved Mark Wahlberg in The Italian Job, so when my sister
pulled out You Gotta Believe by Markie Mark and the Funky Bunch, I was like
ayyyight. But Daaaaaamn, I got a hernia from trying to chew my ears off.” When asked if he listened to the entire album anyway, Engle responded, "Of course."

Engle has also used his dismal taste in entertainment to
avoid real life decisions. Last week he put off calling his girlfriend of two and a half
years to apologize for ignoring her after getting sucked into a 7 hour long Real World
marathon. “It wasn’t even one of the good series. It was fuckin’ London
for God’s sake. Still, it was better than the alternative,” said Engle as he
slipped the Godfather DVD into his entertainment system’s player. "Oh, check out this commercial. I hate it, it sucks so much. Can’t stand it. Hold on, shut up, it’s not finished yet…"

 

OMAHA, Neb. – After finding his old 8-bit Nintendo console in the attic and popping in the game cartridge for Contra, thirty year old Sean Sandhu quickly realized he had forgotten the special code necessary to get 99 lives. A beloved video game title throughout the 80’s decade, Contra was legendary for being an extremely difficult if not an impossible game to finish without the secret code that the game’s programmers had surreptitiously added to the start screen.


“You only get 3 lives and you’re supposed to get through level after level of machine-gun wielding bad guys and helicopters with heavy artillery. Fat chance.” Sandhu recalled fond memories of lazy childhood afternoons listening to Men at Work while blasting away through the many levels of Contra without fear of receiving the Game Over screen. Although impossible to verify, Sandhu claimed that with the code he could finish the entire game in just under an hour. “Without that code, I am nothing. Nothing, I tell you!"



Predating the internet, the coveted Contra code was passed by simple word of mouth. Sandhu received the cherished insider information from 10 year old neighborhood gadfly Matthew White in 1988. White moved out of the suburban Omaha neighborhood in 1989 and was unavailable for comment. “God dammnit all to hell, I can’t remember it,” said Sandhu, struggling with the Nintendo game paddle. “Up, Up, Down, Right, Left, A, B….No. Uhhhh…Down, Up, A, Up, Left, Right, Select…Shit. I’m close, I can feel it. Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Left, Right, B, A…Shit, Fuck, Fuck!

Jon_1 STOCKTON, Ca. – Edward McFarlane, a twenty-three year old Conoco gas station attendant, has found himself at a life-changing crossroads, having to quickly decide whether or not to add Hollywood actor Jamie Kennedy as a friend on MySpace.com. After surfing through several dozen MySpace profiles of hot bikini-clad women, McFarlane saw the link for Jamie Kennedy in the friends section of Jenna Jameson’s site. He quickly surmised that being friends with Kennedy, star of Malibu’s Most Wanted, would be a seminal turning point in his life.

Jamiekennedy_headshot Although McFarlane is confident in his own qualities as a friend, he isn’t so certain about Kennedy’s qualifications or loyalty. “It’s a big commitment on my part, and an incredibly difficult decision. Do I really want to add Jamie as a friend? Will he be there for me like a true friend? Will he provide a shoulder to cry on in times of trouble? Spend late nights on the phone talking about a breakup? Is he going to help me with my boxes when I move to Oakwood Apartments next week? Or is he going to find an excuse like all my other deadbeat ‘friends’. Jerks.”

Jamie_kennedy_myspace Indeed, being challenged with this incomprehensibly monumental choice has forced McFarlane to question the entire fabric of his existence. It has made him question the very nature of friendship in these complicated times. Being from completely different worlds, he is uncertain about whether Kennedy will accept him for who he truly is. “I want to believe Jamie will live up to his side of the bargain. As Nietzsche said, ‘What else is love but understanding and rejoicing in the fact that another person lives, acts, and experiences otherwise than we do?’" said McFarlane as he typed in the random letters and numbers in the verification section. “Now we’re forever bonded together. I’ll be there for you, Jamie. Don’t let me down. It’s too important.”