NEWARK, New Jersey – Having received an F in remedial geometry during his high school years,
thirty-five year old resident Derek Van Horn has found it nearly impossible to
keep his present love-triangle between Stacy Stengel and Trudy
Martinez straight.

“Right now, I don’t know who’s dating who. I’ve tried to solve the equation, but it’s so complicated,”
said Derek. “Stacy and I dated for four months, but I slept with Trudy a couple
of times three years ago. After Trudy and I hooked up again and Stacy found
out, we broke up. This is where it gets hazy because I think Trudy developed
feelings for Stacy while I fell in love with Trudy and Stacy still was into me
and let me cheat on Trudy by sleeping with her. Does that make me the altitude
through Trudy’s vertex perpendicular to Stacy… goddamn, this is complicated!”


According to the American Mathematical Association, Derek’s
inability to keep track of the relatively straightforward trilateral personal
connections between the two women has been traced to his habit of ditching
third period geometry class in the ninth grade. Creating a graph diagram as his
math teacher Mr. Berkowitz suggested in one of the few classes he did attend in
1986 didn’t help. “I even got out my old protractor from the attic. I got so mad
that I couldn’t find the answer, I accidentally stabbed myself in the nipple.”


In mapping the triangle to delineate a solution, Derek has had
difficulty discerning whether his particular love triangle is isosceles,
equilateral or acute. “I’m thinking acute, because Stacy and Trudy are both
friggin’ hot.” He admits his chances of solving the love-triangle are
complicated by the addition of Trina, the sexy receptionist at his office, who
may enter the fray and cause a love-trapezoid. “Plus I’ve realized that my long
time fantasy involving the Dallas Cowboys is impossible unless I master the calculations
necessary for a love-rhombic dodecahedron. Why didn’t I go to class? Fuck!”

After facing another year of utterly dismal recruiting
numbers, the U.S. Army has decided call Beetle Bailey to active duty, sending all
capable soldiers from Camp Swampy directly to the front lines of Iraq as early
as June.

Despite promising retention numbers for the Army in 2006,
the possibility of a full out invasion of Iran in the near future has forced top Army officials to get creative in filling out
the dwindling military. “It was a difficult decision, to be sure,” said
Brigadier General George Oppenheimer. “But unless Bush brings back the draft,
tapping the gangly outcasts and blundering fools of Camp Swampy is our only choice. I just
hope they don’t fuck things up too bad.”


“I was as shocked as anybody when I got the call on
Tuesday,” said Beetles’ commanding officer General Amos Halftrack. “I was ogling Miss Buxley as she bent
over to collate some files, thinking of a way to get out of work so I could
swing a few in the back nine, when the phone rang. It was Central Command. All
I could think was, ‘Oh that’s just great. Martha’s gonna be so fucking pissed.’”

A veritable fixture at Camp Swampy, Bailey’s wacky hijinks have
brought joy and laughter to generations of Americans. Despite being enlisted
through the Cold War, the Korean War, Vietnam,
Desert Storm, Bosnia
as well as the countless military conflicts in between, Bailey had never been
called to serve his country on the battlefield until now. 


When informed of his superiors’ decision to deploy him,
Bailey was nonplussed. “I’m honored to serve, but I just don’t get it. I wanted
to spend the rest of my days sleeping in the shade, figuring out how to get out
of K.P. duty and getting beaten up by Sgt. Snorkel. Instead I guess I’ll have
to kill me some ragheads.”


For years Campy Swampy had gained the reputation of being
merely a holding pen for the Army’s idiots and outcasts. But recent reduction of Army standards
including a lowering of viable test scores and the easing of boot camp rigors has
prompted military officials to take a second look at Beetle Bailey and the
other misfits.

“Up until now, the thought of unleashing these morons during
real wartime situation would have been unthinkable. They’d have gotten stomped
like a Smurf in a moshpit for God’s sake. But desperate times have forced our hand. It’s not like this oddball bunch could screw up Iraq any worse than it already is," said General Oppenheimer, shaking his head. “We’re
doomed.”

No longer are sleazeballs like Killer Diller and prissy kiss-asses
like Lt. Fuzz last in line to help in the Iraq war. Cookie, the camp’s portly former cook, weighed in from his new job as a food
contractor for Halliburton. “I love those guys. It’ll be my honor to prepare
and serve em’ shitty food in Baghdad
for 10 times what I was paid at Swampy.” Even the camp pet, Otto, has gotten into the action, having
been recently called to Tikrit to be a mine sniffing canine. And when asked
about his impending tour of duty, Private Zero responded, “We’re going to Iraq? I ain’t got nothin’ to put on a rack.”

This action may be the first sign of things to come. The
Navy is rumored to be looking into bringing Captain Crunch back onto active
duty. “And we still can’t find Captain Kangaroo, who has gone AWOL on us, possibly fleeing to Canada with the rest of those pinko, socialist, America-hating liberals. Oh. He’s
dead?” added Oppenheimer, “My bad.”