AUGUSTA, Georgia – After dropping a piece of blueberry bran
muffin onto his trousers during lunch break, local mortgage specialist Frank
McDonald discovered his zipper had descended, exposing a small piece of his
Spongebob Squarepants boxers in the process. “Oh, that’s just great,” opined a
distraught McDonald. “Why didn’t anyone tell me? Motherfuck.”

In retracing his steps, McDonald attempted to procure a potential
timeline for the duration his zipper had actually been down, revealing the
prominent trouser slit to the world. “Okay, I left for work in the morning and briefly spoke
to my neighbors, the Kinseys as I lept down my porch steps. Maybe that’s why
Mrs. Kinsey shielded her kid’s eyes as I waved to them. At about 9 a.m. I went by the break room to grab a donut
and rant about the season finale of House. I heard a few muffled snickers, but
I didn’t know it was about me! Nobody said a word. Shit, I wonder if that’s why
Cynthia gave me that weird look earlier when I gave her the memos for accounts
receivable.”

This is not the first illustration of McDonald’s proclivity
for unintentional buffoonery, as previous instances have caused interoffice
hilarity. Most notable were a large, whistling booger which dangled
precariously from his nose through a two-hour meeting with corporate bigwigs, and
the notorious “wet spot”, where potential clients in a meeting laughed at a particularly
prominent damp area on the back of McDonald’s beige pants. "I sat in a puddle of coffee or something, I swear. Damn, why’d I have to wear the Spongebob underwear today? It’s laundry day!"

Attempts to retrieve information about the length and extent of the zipper mishap proved futile. None of his coworkers were willing to
provide McDonald with any of the universally recognized signals for downed
zippers, including clearing of the throat, subtly pointing to the crotch area, or
whispering XYZ. Despite his inability to ascertain the precise length of time of
this particular dangling zipper mishap, McDonald vowed to be more careful in
the future to avoid another “wardrobe malfuckingfunction.”

(UNASSOCIATED PRESS) WASHINGTON D.C. – During a recent statement to foreign
dignitaries, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced that the August
2006 release of Keven Federline’s album Playing with Fire would be considered an
outright “Declaration of War.” That the album will surely bomb combined with
the fact that the bomb will drop later this year has all but destroyed the
possibility of diplomatic discussions with Iran.

“Such unprovoked aggression by the United States would be completely unacceptable,”
declared Ahmadinejad from the steps of Ayatolla Khomeini’s tomb. “The Great
Satan must not let an untalented, mediocre hanger-on to jeopardize our livelihood. If the Federline unleashes his pollutants on us, we will be required to retaliate
with the Iron Fist of Allah’s Will.”

The recent development has threatened tentative talks amongst
the United States,
the European Union and Iran.
At stake is Iran’s
continued insistence on pursuing uranium enrichment, claiming it to be for use
as fuel in civilian nuclear power plants. The United States and other western countries fear it will be used to create nuclear
weapons which may be used against them. 

The talks have been on shaky ground for weeks, and many
insiders consider Federline’s album to be the straw that may break the camel’s
back. “Although the album is certain to be a big steaming pile crap, that it has
become the centerpiece of a mounting international crisis is quite unexpected,”
said an executive at a major music label.

Also at stake is the burgeoning career of Britney Spears’
husband. Despite the fact that it isn’t due to be released until later this
year, Kevin Federline’s upcoming album and its tracks have already garnered
ample negative publicity and mockery. Petey Pablo, the guest artist rumored to
appear on the album, has already fled the country to an undisclosed location to
wait out the attacks.


Ahmadinejad is not the only Iranian demanding a stop to
Federline’s musical career. Many Islamic critics have renounced the album’s
release as mean-spirited antagonism at a time when moderation is the key. In a
sense, with Playing with Fire, Federline is literally playing with fire.

“I don’t know what da big deal is, yo. I just wanna kick out
the dope ass rhymes and rhythmic flava fo da masses,” said a remarkably white
Federline while rubbing his nipple through the soiled wife-beater adorning his
torso. “What’s Tehran got against a
nice beat that’ll get the ladies a wigglin’ they booties on the dance floor? We
gotta get dose sweet ho’s outta dose burkhas somehows, yaknowhati’msayin’?”

Negotiations with Iran have been temporarily postponed as the focus of the UN Security Council has
turned to opening a dialogue with Federline’s agent. “If he releases the album,
the people of Iran will surely see it as an official act of war by the U.S. That damn wigger always fuckin’ things up,
with his gold diggin’ ass,” said European Union foreign policy chief Javier
Solana.

 

(UNASSOCIATED PRESS) – Following the push to replace Franklin Roosevelt’s head on the dime with Ronald Reagan’s, supporters of former president Bill Clinton hope to mandate all U.S. strip clubs place Clinton’s head on their funny money. 

Most upscale gentlemen’s clubs offer patrons the choice of converting their dollar bills to ‘strip club dollars’. It is fake or funny money that bares a resemblance to legal tender but is instead printed on colorful paper with the strip club’s logo. “It’s a fun way to involve the customers and snatch more of their cash. Plus it cracks down on counterfeit bills,” says Benny Taglioni, manager of Boner Appetit’s, a New Jersey strip club.

The proposed legislation would require each club’s dollar bills to include a portrait or photograph of Bill Clinton in a similar fashion to the pictures of past leaders on legal paper money. The clubs could simply accentuate the pictures on their existing dollars, which are often riddled with provocative pictures, bare-ass naked woman, exposed boobs, and strippers in obscene poses.

“It’s a great idea,” says sponsor of the bill Jeffrey Kierkegaard, D-Maryland. “Every time someone is getting a lapdance from Jasmine, the Perfect 10 with the 36 DD’s, Slick Willy’s face will be there to remind us of our freedom. His mug will remind us of the roaring 90’s, when the Cold War was over, everyone was making money, and the worst thing we had to worry about was a president getting a hummer from a fat girl.”