WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an interesting twist to freedom of speech, protesters of those protesting Bush’s foreign policy towards Israel have been bombarded by protesters protesting those protesting the original protesters. “We’re not protesting the protesters who are protesting. Why would we protest them? What we’re against are the protesters protesting the protesters and that’s why we’re protesting the protesters who are protesting the protesters. Duh,” said counter-counter protest organizer Greg Klein. When asked if they agreed with the sentiments of the original protesters, Klein retorted, “We just want to show our solidarity by protesting against those who would protest against those who protest against Bush.”

Scientists believe that if this trend continues, and a counter protest to the counter protest protesting those who are counter protesting the protesters does in fact develop, it could have dire consequences to the space-time continuum. Explains Dr. Richard Sturgis, head of Theoretical Physics at MIT, “If the trend continues unabated, these protesters may invert upon themselves, much like when two mirrors face each other, causing an infinite spectrum of protesters in either direction. The sheer numbers could cause a buildup of dark matter and the eventual implosion of a major sector of the known universe.”

Despite these warnings, all the various protesters remain unwavering. Vigils, counter vigils, counter-counter vigils, and counter-counter-counter vigils are scheduled well into next Thursday. Although no violence amongst the conflicting protest groups has broken out, several had to leave due to headaches induced by trying to figure out what the hell they’re protesting against or for. “I don’t know what those guys are protesting our protest of the protesters, but we’re certainly not backing down” said a woman who identified herself as ‘Kathy’. “Shit, I can’t keep this straight. My head hurts.”

In a move designed to help recover dwindling attendance
after recent controversies, the Episcopalian Church has decided to introduce Casual Good Fridays to increase attendance. Good Friday, a remembrance of the
crucifixion of Jesus Christ at Cavalry, has been seen by many as a
disheartening event due to its dire subject matter. By encouraging casual
clothing and informal attire, the Church hopes to spice up the event and add
some excitement to an otherwise drab affair.

“Good Friday is such an ironic name. I mean, it’s the day we
commemorate our Lord and Savior getting nailed alive to a giant cross and left
to bleed to death. It’s so depressing. Hopefully this will spice up the
festivities a bit. With a more casual halter top or just the right jean skirt,
we can give Christ’s brutal and bloody slaying a feeling of a celebration,” said Bishop
Katharine Schori. Schori added that she plans to take off that "dumbass white strap" and give the Good Friday sermon
wearing a ruby red stretch silk charmeuse top with relaxed cropped cargo pants.

Traditionally, Episcopalian congregations’ fashion taste for
Good Friday services range from dismal, gloomy suits for men to conservative,
bland dresses for the women. This year anticipation for Good Friday is swelling
exponentially due to the fact that church members are free to wear sexy cami
and shrug tops, print t-shirts, tight fitting denim jeans, miniskirts, muscle
shirts, baggy pants, strapless cocktail dresses and babydoll corsets.

“I never look forward to these services,” declared 42 year
old Frank Berardi. “I hate wearing the acceptable attire. Makes me look like a
mortician. I’m really excited this year for Good Friday, because I’m gonna wear
my favorite bright pink and yellow Hawaiian shirt with the sexy Bermuda shorts
my wife picked up for me in Cabo. Sweet!” 

Other additions to existing Good Friday fashion traditions have
been embraced and others have caused skepticism among fashion and Christian
ranks alike. Although the red carpet outside every church foyer has been widely
accepted, some have complained that the flashing photographers are distracting and
have already been dubbed the Pope-arazzi. “Despite some cynicism from the
public, this is truly exciting. I hear some of our Good Friday churchgoers may
even make Mr. Blackwell’s list this year!” said Schori.

Some parishioners are concerned that a few may take the
Casual Good Friday invitation too far. Church leaders are pleading with members
to avoid taking the casual too far. “We want you to be as comfortable as
possible in the pews while celebrating the murder of Jesus by the Jews. But you
cannot praise the Lord in a thong bikini or Speedo,” scolded Schori. "The pews are not built for that and you will chafe. Now please open to Hymn 542, I’m Too Sexy."

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PHILADELPHIA, Pa. – Fresh from a bitter divorce between parents Tom and Ashley Severenson, twelve year old Scotty, their only child, anticipates a “buttload” more gifts and presents on special holidays. “I’m so excited! Now that mom and dad are splitsville, that means I’ll get twice as many presents on the holidays. And better gifts too! They’ll be desperate to win my affection, so I’ll be able to play them off each other for the coolest, baddest toys on the market. Freakin’ sweet!” said a smirking Scotty.

Divorced_parents
Scotty’s plans include subtle manipulation of both parents in hopes of acquiring more cool gadgets and electrifying toys than any other kid in his demographic. “Before the divorce, mom was always buying me ‘practical’ gifts like socks and jackets and other dumbass crap. Now she’s going to have to use up those alimony payments and max out that Platinum Visa just to keep up with dad."

Although his mother Ashley had received full custody due to his father’s drinking habit, Scotty didn’t seem too interested in the lack of a full time father figure in his life, as he would be receiving all kinds of unbelievable stuff he wouldn’t have received otherwise. Since this upcoming December will be the first Christmas since the breakup, Scotty says he is angling to get an Xbox 360 from his father and a Playstation 3 from his mother. “Last year, I’d have been lucky to get a new cartridge for that dusty ol’ Nintendo 64. Now I’m gonna be the most popular kid on the block. Mom and dad breaking up is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, ever. Divorce rocks!”

FT. LAUDERDALE, Flor. – In an attempt to shore up lagging poll numbers in her campaign for the Republican senatorial nomination, congresswoman Katherine Harris has decided to offer delicious, homemade cupcakes to anyone who will vote for her in the election. “It worked when I ran for treasurer in the 5th grade. My mom prepared these scrumptious double-chocolate and peanut butter delight cupcakes with extra frosting and rainbow sprinkles. We handed them out next to the slide on the school playground. Believe me, one bite and you’d have voted Stalin for dog catcher,” said Harris through her swollen, pouty lips and clown-school makeup.

Harris hopes her cupcakes will help her recover from a disastrous downward spiral, as Democratic incumbent Bill Nelson has pulled ahead by as many as 30 percentage points. Her Senate campaign has been riddled with vexing difficulties including problems with retaining volunteers, accusations of fraud, her sometimes gaudy appearance and an inability to deal with her own bizarre statements. While the effectiveness and legality of her cupcake tactic is still uncertain, Harris admits that if her poll numbers don’t improve she may have to up the ante. “I’ll like, totally make out with anyone who votes for me. With tongue. Seriously, meet me behind the bleachers.”


(UNASSOCIATED PRESS) – The feeding tube of renowned killer Jason Voorhees, the man in the middle of a bitter moral and legal battle that has drawn national attention, was removed by state officials on Tuesday at the behest of the families of his numerous victims. Voorhees had been in a persistent vegetative state for nine years after being discovered unconscious and in a coma at the bottom of Crystal Lake.

It was a dramatic moment that encapsulated the extreme emotions on all sides of the struggle to decide the fate of the infamous boogeyman. The controversy has endured nine years of arduous court battles, and had taken its toll on the families of the victims of Voorhees’ alleged bloodlust and wrath.

At 2:15 p.m. on Tuesday, doctors removed the feeding tube from Jason’s grey, moldy forearm, placing it gently next to the flowers of well wishers and his famed hockey mask on the counter by his hospital bed. Without liquid nourishment, Jason could still remain alive for two to four weeks before dying of dehydration.

This may be the last chapter in the onerous saga that began almost 50 years ago when Jason Voorhees drowned in Crystal Lake as careless teenage camp counselors had sexual relations. Although the details of the last half century are vague and contradictory, most experts agree that numerous violent and bloody battles had left him with permanent brain damage.

After being retrieved from the bottom of Crystal Lake nine years ago, a dozen doctors have consistently diagnosed him to be in a persistent vegetative state. The controversy developed a life of its own since Jason left no living will describing his desires, rarely speaking of such wishes to anyone.

Some have claimed that Jason would not have wanted to be kept alive artificially and that it should be removed so he may pass on. Fans of the serial killer and Right-to-Life activists have fought to keep his feeding tube attached, declaring his condition could improve with the right rehabilitation.

Jason62
A spokesman for the families involved in the killing sprees expressed relief at a hastily prepared press conference. “We’ve battled long and hard to get to this point, but we’re satisfied with the court’s decision. Jason will not be kept alive through a tube. We know he’s been killed numerous times before. But this time it’s different. He’s not coming back. We can finally rest at ease. Nope. Nu-uh. No chance of him coming back from the dead this time. He’s dead forever. Yep.”

The families’ spokesman elaborated on their plans to file lawsuits in civil court on behalf of the 144 victims allegedly murdered by Jason over a period of 26 years if the feeding tube is reattached.

They may seek restitution for Jason’s alleged butchery, which includes accusations of triple decapitation, machete hacking, head crushing, bludgeoning with a wrench, throat slashing, eye gouging, drowning, strangulation, as well as impalement with various objects including knives, spears, mirror chards, pitchforks, knitting needles, fireplace pokers, axes, railroad spikes, corkscrews, meat cleavers, garden shears and harpoons.

Andrew McMullan, lawyer for the Voorhees Estate vowed the battle was not over. “We hope to make an emergency appeal the 11th U.S. Circuit’s decision. The clock is ticking. Do these people have no compassion? Jason is starving to death right now. That’s somebody’s son suffering in the hospital. Are they heartless?”

“Well, we know at least one of Jason’s victims is heartless- Jason ripped his heart right out of his chest!” said Thomas Stanton, father of Suzi, a teenage girl Jason allegedly stabbed with a spear while on a Senior Class boat trip in 1989.

In an ironic twist, the actions of Congress have only reinforced the opinion of many who believe Jason Voorhees’ fate is being exploited for political purposes. The House of Representatives convened in an emergency session to pass legislation overriding the state court’s decision.

Said House Majority Leader John Boehner, “We need to save Jason. He can’t suffer a slow death through starvation. We want him to live, so way we can try him for all those murders. Then we can give him the electric chair. We can’t let activist judges take away the fun of murdering that son of a bitch ourselves!”

After being informed electrocution had previously reanimated Jason from the dead twice already, Boehner seemed confused. “Well that doesn’t make any sense at all. Wait, what? He drowned in 1957, right? How many times has he risen from the dead? Nine, ten times at least, right? How in the hell could electricity possibly…ah, fuck it.”

The dispute over Vorhees’ feeding tube follows quickly on the heels of other high profile cases involving famous killers. Most notably are the Leprechaun’s successful discrimination lawsuit after Cedar Point refused him admission to several roller coasters, Chucky from Child’s Play being tried as a minor for his crimes, and the Supreme Court’s ruling in favor of Freddy Krueger in Krueger v. Duraflame.

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ASPEN, Colorado – In what some analysts consider a brilliant maneuver, convicted corporate felon Kenneth Lay died of a heart attack on Wednesday, effectively avoiding the prison sentence and loads of ass rape that would have come with it. Mr. Lay was convicted recently of lying to regulators, investors and employees to shroud the inevitable financial crumbling of his massive energy company Enron.

“While we were satisfied with Mr. Lay’s guilty verdict, nothing can be done to restore the ruined lives of those who lost their pensions in Mr. Lay’s illegal schemes,” said a spokesman for a group of former Enron employees. “We were just hoping he’d live long enough to for his cellmate in Block D to give him a good fudge packing. Now Mr. Lay’s victims will never experience the sheer joy of knowing the man who ruined their lives is getting a violent ass pounding.”

Experts had unanimously agreed that Ken Lay would have likely been relegated to the position of “Bitch” in the prison hierarchy. As a result, Lay would have been forced to give sloppy blowjobs to whoever demanded them, as well as having to toss the salad of the uglier and smellier inmates. At the time of the heart attack Mr. Lay was out on $5 million dollar bail while awaiting sentencing, the money in his offshore accounts just enough to avoid endless butt reaming by dozens of angry inmates in the shower.  Although the true importance of Lay’s death tactic is uncertain, many historians already agree that dying was a unique way for Lay to avoid forced sodomy.