PENSACOLA, Florida – In what is considered a lateral career move, twenty-eight year old local drug dealer Harry Macowski applied and was successfully employed as manager of the local UPS Store. “Working for UPS, I’m still distributing high quality crack and smack to punk ass tweakers, but everyone thinks I’m legit. I love drug dealing and shit, but I was tired of standing on the street corner all night just to finance my Mercedes, know what I’m sayin’? Working for UPS I can still deliver drugs to junkies, but now they’re all in a bunch of brown boxes,” said Macowski.
Although UPS has long garnered a reputation in the underground as an easy way to ship illegal narcotics undetected, the company hadn’t directly acknowledged that connection until Macowski’s hiring. “Opiates are huge for us. We get a ton of business from these guys shipping dope back and forth,” said UPS Florida regional director Florence Applegate. “We’re very happy with Harry. He has specialized in narcotic distribution for over ten years, so it was a perfect fit for us.”
Ironically, the term UPS has used to describe itself, Brown, is also slang for heroin and marijuana. As a result of this newfound honesty, UPS will unroll a new advertising slogan in the coming summer months entitled “What Shit can Brown Do for You, Motherfucker?”
HOLLYWOOD, Calif. – After being set up on a blind date with one of the famous Baldwin brother actors, local barfly and aspiring actress Christine Manchenko quickly realized he wasn’t the Baldwin she had thought. Manchenko was picked up in a run down Ford pickup with no back window, and she became suspicious of the Baldwin brother after not being able to place him in any of the movies she had seen recently.
“I love the Baldwins, but I wasn’t sure who this one was at all. It definitely wasn’t Billy Baldwin. That’s who I was hoping for. He was so unbelievably hot in Backdraft. And the guy was like way too old to be Stephen. I’ll take him circa Biodome anyday of the week. He did kinda look like Alec. Like a fat, retarded version of Alec. Plus, he smelled like cheap booze and hookers. Nasty.” Manchenko cut the blind date short as soon as she could, after the unidentified Baldwin brother pulled up to a sleazy bowling alley, burped while scratching himself and muttered indecipherable obscenities under his breath.
Experts believe that the suspected Baldwin brother was, in fact, the lesser known Daniel Baldwin. However, there is some speculation that a mystery Baldwin previously unknown to the public eye has emerged from the underground. Sources wishing to remain anonymous speculate that this Baldwin brother was somehow deformed or unwanted, and was raised in secret while being chained in a hidden chamber somewhere deep in the basement of the Baldwin compound.
No Baldwin returned calls for comment on this developing story. Also unavailable for comment was the original friend that set Ms. Manchenko up on the blind date. “I’m beginning to think she’s sort of a bitch. I’m seriously thinking about canceling the date she set me up with next weekend with one of the Wayans brothers,” said Manchenko.
Preliminary results from a newly released international scientific study indicate that men between the ages of 17 and 85 who regularly breastfeed on women’s bosoms are 73% less likely to develop health risks later. Quick on the heels of a recent study showing children who are breastfed have less stress later in life, scientists at the Swedish Medical Center for Disease Studies began research on whether or not the same health benefits occur if access to breasts were increased in adulthood.
“Our testing was implementing under rigorous scientific method to calculate the precise effect regular oral access to beautiful women’s shoulder boulders have on the health of our adult patients, Said Dr. Sven Yorgen, head of Swedish Medical Studies. “It helped that we have our own Bikini Team. I insisted on doing all the tests myself. And let me tell you, after 4 months of suckling 92 pairs of voluptuous mammaries, I feel terrific! The health benefits of regular titty sucking are now a matter of public record. I swear I could live forever!”
General results indicate the therapeutic applications of boob suckling specified several positive results in the majority of male patients, including decreased overall stress, lowered chance of heart complications and long lasting smiles. Conversely, a control group composed of adult males without clinical access to women’s melons developed increased anger, ulcers, depression and a proclivity to overall asshole-ish behavior in a relatively short amount of time.
“We found no discernible difference between males who sucked on real titties, and those who sucked on the fake variety,” said Yorgen. “All that mattered was the increased release of endorphins and testosterone as the test patients nibbled, licked and orally fondled women’s bazongas.” Although both men and women enjoyed it to a certain extent, adult males exhibited the most positive physiological effects from regular breastfeeding.
Frequency and number of unique breasts increased health also contributed to the health benefits. For instance, although the research discovered that men who sucked on one particular lady’s milkshake pom-poms exhibited a slight increase in overall health, the positive health benefits of men who slurped on a wide variety of female sugarplums was exponentially higher. As a result of the study’s conclusions, some scientists speculate that the medicinal value of a lifetime of breastfeeding may allow Hugh Hefner to live to 196. More on this story as it develops.
HAVANA, Cuba – After undergoing gastrointestinal surgery in Cuba, 80 year old communist dictator Fidel Castro immediately contacted several major league baseball teams to test the feasibility of trading some of his top baseball prospects for a good doctor. “Please, after oppressing my people for years, I cannot trust my own doctors. They’re incompetent. They would leave their watch in me when they sew me up…that is, if they could afford watches.”
Castro added, “What do you need? Shortstops? We’ve got those. Outfielders? Home run hitters? Need to shore up your bullpen? Please, just send me somebody from Johns Hopkins in return, I beg of you. Dios Mio, it hurts!”
Although several baseball teams have shown interest in acquiring Cuban prospects, most expressed doubt that a deal could be ironed out before the trade deadline. George Steinbrenner of the New York Yankees has been emailing acting president Raul Castro with trade options. But Steinbrenner wasn’t optimistic. “We could give Fidel a sports medicine specialist or two, but what’s the point? All the top picks’ll come over on a raft next year anyway.”
Several Bush administration officials stated that the President, a former owner of the Texas Rangers baseball team, might be interested in personally ironing out a deal. “We’d even throw in a few TV doctors too. How about Doogie Howser? Or better yet, George Clooney. He was on ER. We’d love to kick his ass to Cuba once and for all,” said administration spokesman Tony Snow.