A controversial new study has concluded that too much exposure to
country music leads young teenagers to pick up banjo at an
inappropriately early age. Whether it’s country, southern, Nashville, or bluegrass, the Appalachian
music teens listen to include banjo hooks, solos and
background work. Researchers contend that teens who listen regularly to
country music are three times more likely to begin banjo plucking
during adolescence than teens who listen to other musical genres like nu metal and hardcore gangsta rap.

“Teens who listen to tons of
country are receiving mixed messages. They are being told that at their age, banjo playing is not only
acceptable, but expected,” said Dr. John Faniani, research
fellow at the Institute for Moral Musicianship. “Instead of listening to music that encourages them to explore their
bodies and discover their sexual identities, these kids are locking
themselves in the bathroom and practicing six-string zither banjos.
It’s not appropriate for them to be into arpeggiating with their right hand at age 14. It’s shocking, really.”

Although banjo influenced music has been around for over a century, the influence of lascivious banjo entrepreneurs
like Jimmy Driftwood and David ‘Stringbean’ Akeman on today’s teens is
a growing concern. A resurgence in banjo-related obsessions in younger
demographics may be attributed to popular country stars of today like
Keith Urban, who peddle crossover instruments like the ‘banjitar‘ in their raunchy, banjo-riddled music.

Clinical psychologist Dr. Terrence Finkle agreed parents should be
worried. He noted that the average teen’s brain goes through a rapid
transformation during adolescence, and excessive banjo-ing during that time could have dire effects. “Children’s
interest in adult-oriented activities like banjo playing are directly
attributable to the music they’re listening to. Parents need to
moderate the kinds of music they let their kids download onto their
ipod. What are they doing listening to Earl Scruggs Foggy Mountain Breakdown anyway, when kids should be listening to stuff their peers are into, like Back That Ass Up and My Humps?”

Added Dr. Finkle, “Oh, those lovely lady lumps.”

PHILADELPHIA, PA- After spending nearly an hour on the dance floor at Butterfly Echo, a trendy
local nightclub, 34 year old Leroy McPherson finally had enough of the house
music bossing him around and demanding he perform specific tasks. “I’m just
tired of the music telling me what to do all the time. Move Your Body, Shout, Push it, Put Your Hands in the Air, Lean Back. For Fuck’s sake, I just came to the club to relax
and let off some steam,” said McPherson, an accounts
receivable clerk at a local trucking company. “I spend the whole day with my
manager breathing down my neck, I don’t need this kind of pressure. The last
thing I need is some music demanding I do this or that. Jesus H. Christ.”

Musicologists trace the origins of bossy, dictatorial music to square dancing,
where bombastic ringleaders coerce innocent bystanders to dance precisely the way they want them
to, with no other options available. The Bossy Music movement seemed to peak
with the song “Hokey Pokey”, where the music bullied and forced dancers to put
their body parts in and out of a circle in repetitive increments against their
will. “The least the song could do is ask nicely. Like, ‘Put your hands in the Air, If You Feel Like It’, ‘Walk This Way, Unless You’re Tired’, ‘Back that Ass
Up, Pretty Please.’ That’s all I ask, damnit,” said McPherson.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – As a result of several years of poor decision-making and failed policy as Commander In Chief, top Bush administration officials speaking off the record verified that President Bush’s Magic 8-Ball was confiscated early yesterday morning.

The covert operation occurred at approximately 5:30 a.m., not long before Bush’s early morning jog. Although the president was caught off guard and held down by secret service agents, initial reports indicate it took six aides, three cabinet members, seven lobbyists and a senator nearly twenty minutes to finally pry the prized decision-making tool from Bush’s tight grip.

Administration advisors have long privately blamed Bush’s inability to make timely and appropriate decisions on his excessive dependence on the answers given to him by the novelty ball. Karl Rove has insinuated recently that Bush’s bungled response to Hurricane Katrina may have been the result of the 8-Ball getting stuck on “Ask Again Later.”

After the fortune-telling toy was retrieved, Bush reportedly fell to the floor in the Oval Office and threw a prolonged tantrum. “What’m I gonna do now?” allegedly screamed a tear-stained Bush, “I need my trusty 8-Ball with its rock solid answers to tough questions, or else I won’t be a good Decider.”

Those  involved with the magic ball reconnaissance mission have declined comment, although rumor has it the magical question answering oracle was hidden somewhere in the Library of Congress, a location most administration officials agree Bush would never set foot . When asked if Bush would speak about the alleged incident anytime soon, White House spokesman Tony Snow appeared shaken, replying, “Don’t Count on it. Cannot Predict Now. Outlook not so good. Better not tell you now.”

QUAKE CITY, Calif. – Policemen finally
ended a gruesome, 7-hour standoff by shooting and killing wanted gangland thugs
Theodore Ogelvie and Amos Tucker as they attempted to steal prized gold
nuggets from a local bank. The coroner’s office estimated riddled the
two deadly hooligans’ bodies with a total of 248 gunshot and ricochet
wounds. The gunshots and resulting mutilation were so extensive, the
mothers of the gangsters were unable to identify the bodies. “The
police just opened fire at Amos and Theo. They were sputtering around
like rag dolls stuck in stagecoach spokes. Their guts were splattering
everywhere. It was just awful,” said a blood-soaked orphan Celia
Bradley, one of the three children held hostage by the life-long
criminals during the incident. While those who consider the Apple
Dumpling Gang hometwon heros have claimed police misconduct and called
for a civilian review of the altercation, city officials believe such an
inquiry is unlikely at this time. “It was a good, clean shootin’,” said
Quake City Sherriff Homer McCoy. “248 gunshot wounds ain’t overkill. Scrapin’ up soggy pieces of ripped off flesh and bones from the town square’s a small price to pay to make sure them bastards got what they
deserved. They’ll never terrorize Quake City again, that’s for sure.”