HOLLYWOOD, Ca. – Having waited since August of 1932 to become a world renowned film actor, ninety-three year old Bernard
Bixby has come to the conclusion that he’s finally ready for his big break. “I’ve waited 75 years for this. Put in my
dues. Took the classes. Sat on the casting couch. Auditioned like hell and kissed
ass. It’s time for ol’ Bernie to be a star!” said Bixby while waiting at line
for soup at the New Life Men’s Shelter in Orange County.
Bixby came close to stardom several times in his erratic
career. “I met Marilyn Monroe once when I was a janitor on the set of
came thiiiiis close, but I hear George Burns stepped in and lobbied for Allan Lane to do the damn horse’s voice instead of me. The colossal prick.”
Thirty four homeless years later, Bixby briefly enjoyed a $200 paycheck from a stint
as a corpse on Homicide: Life on the Street in January of 1995. However, the wealth and
fame from that performance quickly dried. Producers and casting directers were reluctant to cast him again as a result of complaints from the Homicide set that he smelled of bourbon and pee. By February the money had dried up and Bixby was
back to living his dream of acting through sleeping in boxes while eating the
rancid refuse from the dumpsters behind Spago’s.
“I’m gonna make it big in this town, just you watch,” said Bixby
while wiggling one of his last remaining front teeth. "It’s never too late. I may be older than dirt, but I tells ya, Bernie Bixby’s name’s
gonna be on the Marquee! All the way to the top! I’m gonna be a STAR! Hey, buddy you got a buck?”