BOSTON, Mass. – All Highway 93 wants is the peace of mind that comes from a stable father
figure to look after it and ensure its safety. Instead, the highway has been
living in virtual squalor, the victim of months of neglect from its adopted
father, local bartender Terry Figmore.
By all accounts 93 is a sweet, charming 6 lane highway that heads from New
Hampshire towards the Boston Harbor. Known for its calm, grassy knolls
and smooth riding, the highway has suffered from undeserved neglect since his
adoptive father disappeared. Figmore is wanted on felony charges for willfully
failing to keep up the highway and is considered one of the states most
notorious deadbeat fathers, say state officials.
“He scum,” says ex-wife Tammy. “We made the decision to
adopt the highway together, then he skips out on the next bus out of town. Our
whole family’s been struggling just to keep the litter by the dividers under
Without Figmore to help alleviate the hardship, Highway 93
has had to endure an overwhelming barrage of McDonald’s burger wrappers,
cigarette butts, used condoms, hefty sacks, boxes, broken glass and random
Social Services has had to assist Tammy and the highway’s
little brother Timmy in the care and upkeep of the road. Timmy does not hide
his resentment. “I hate him. How could dad do this to us? We have to work our
asses off inhaling carbon monoxide all day in orange vests while he’s living
the high life? It’s just wrong.”
While Figmore still remains at large, Boston officials remain hopeful he will be caught, imprisoned and forced to clean the
same highway he abandoned with the inmates who sodomize him in the shower.