WASHINGTON, D.C. – As a result of several years of poor decision-making and failed policy as Commander In Chief, top Bush administration officials speaking off the record verified that President Bush’s Magic 8-Ball was confiscated early yesterday morning.
The covert operation occurred at approximately 5:30 a.m., not long before Bush’s early morning jog. Although the president was caught off guard and held down by secret service agents, initial reports indicate it took six aides, three cabinet members, seven lobbyists and a senator nearly twenty minutes to finally pry the prized decision-making tool from Bush’s tight grip.
Administration advisors have long privately blamed Bush’s inability to make timely and appropriate decisions on his excessive dependence on the answers given to him by the novelty ball. Karl Rove has insinuated recently that Bush’s bungled response to Hurricane Katrina may have been the result of the 8-Ball getting stuck on “Ask Again Later.”
After the fortune-telling toy was retrieved, Bush reportedly fell to the floor in the Oval Office and threw a prolonged tantrum. “What’m I gonna do now?” allegedly screamed a tear-stained Bush, “I need my trusty 8-Ball with its rock solid answers to tough questions, or else I won’t be a good Decider.”
Those involved with the magic ball reconnaissance mission have declined comment, although rumor has it the magical question answering oracle was hidden somewhere in the Library of Congress, a location most administration officials agree Bush would never set foot . When asked if Bush would speak about the alleged incident anytime soon, White House spokesman Tony Snow appeared shaken, replying, “Don’t Count on it. Cannot Predict Now. Outlook not so good. Better not tell you now.”