Apple Dumpling Gang Brutally Murdered in Police Shootout

QUAKE CITY, Calif. – Policemen finally
ended a gruesome, 7-hour standoff by shooting and killing wanted gangland thugs
Theodore Ogelvie and Amos Tucker as they attempted to steal prized gold
nuggets from a local bank. The coroner’s office estimated riddled the
two deadly hooligans’ bodies with a total of 248 gunshot and ricochet
wounds. The gunshots and resulting mutilation were so extensive, the
mothers of the gangsters were unable to identify the bodies. “The
police just opened fire at Amos and Theo. They were sputtering around
like rag dolls stuck in stagecoach spokes. Their guts were splattering
everywhere. It was just awful,” said a blood-soaked orphan Celia
Bradley, one of the three children held hostage by the life-long
criminals during the incident. While those who consider the Apple
Dumpling Gang hometwon heros have claimed police misconduct and called
for a civilian review of the altercation, city officials believe such an
inquiry is unlikely at this time. “It was a good, clean shootin’,” said
Quake City Sherriff Homer McCoy. “248 gunshot wounds ain’t overkill. Scrapin’ up soggy pieces of ripped off flesh and bones from the town square’s a small price to pay to make sure them bastards got what they
deserved. They’ll never terrorize Quake City again, that’s for sure.”