Area Man Wonders How Long Zipper Has Been Down

AUGUSTA, Georgia – After dropping a piece of blueberry bran
muffin onto his trousers during lunch break, local mortgage specialist Frank
McDonald discovered his zipper had descended, exposing a small piece of his
Spongebob Squarepants boxers in the process. “Oh, that’s just great,” opined a
distraught McDonald. “Why didn’t anyone tell me? Motherfuck.”

In retracing his steps, McDonald attempted to procure a potential
timeline for the duration his zipper had actually been down, revealing the
prominent trouser slit to the world. “Okay, I left for work in the morning and briefly spoke
to my neighbors, the Kinseys as I lept down my porch steps. Maybe that’s why
Mrs. Kinsey shielded her kid’s eyes as I waved to them. At about 9 a.m. I went by the break room to grab a donut
and rant about the season finale of House. I heard a few muffled snickers, but
I didn’t know it was about me! Nobody said a word. Shit, I wonder if that’s why
Cynthia gave me that weird look earlier when I gave her the memos for accounts
receivable.”

This is not the first illustration of McDonald’s proclivity
for unintentional buffoonery, as previous instances have caused interoffice
hilarity. Most notable were a large, whistling booger which dangled
precariously from his nose through a two-hour meeting with corporate bigwigs, and
the notorious “wet spot”, where potential clients in a meeting laughed at a particularly
prominent damp area on the back of McDonald’s beige pants. "I sat in a puddle of coffee or something, I swear. Damn, why’d I have to wear the Spongebob underwear today? It’s laundry day!"

Attempts to retrieve information about the length and extent of the zipper mishap proved futile. None of his coworkers were willing to
provide McDonald with any of the universally recognized signals for downed
zippers, including clearing of the throat, subtly pointing to the crotch area, or
whispering XYZ. Despite his inability to ascertain the precise length of time of
this particular dangling zipper mishap, McDonald vowed to be more careful in
the future to avoid another “wardrobe malfuckingfunction.”