A controversial new study has concluded that too much exposure to
country music leads young teenagers to pick up banjo at an
inappropriately early age. Whether it’s country, southern, Nashville, or bluegrass, the Appalachian
music teens listen to include banjo hooks, solos and
background work. Researchers contend that teens who listen regularly to
country music are three times more likely to begin banjo plucking
during adolescence than teens who listen to other musical genres like nu metal and hardcore gangsta rap.

“Teens who listen to tons of
country are receiving mixed messages. They are being told that at their age, banjo playing is not only
acceptable, but expected,” said Dr. John Faniani, research
fellow at the Institute for Moral Musicianship. “Instead of listening to music that encourages them to explore their
bodies and discover their sexual identities, these kids are locking
themselves in the bathroom and practicing six-string zither banjos.
It’s not appropriate for them to be into arpeggiating with their right hand at age 14. It’s shocking, really.”

Although banjo influenced music has been around for over a century, the influence of lascivious banjo entrepreneurs
like Jimmy Driftwood and David ‘Stringbean’ Akeman on today’s teens is
a growing concern. A resurgence in banjo-related obsessions in younger
demographics may be attributed to popular country stars of today like
Keith Urban, who peddle crossover instruments like the ‘banjitar‘ in their raunchy, banjo-riddled music.

Clinical psychologist Dr. Terrence Finkle agreed parents should be
worried. He noted that the average teen’s brain goes through a rapid
transformation during adolescence, and excessive banjo-ing during that time could have dire effects. “Children’s
interest in adult-oriented activities like banjo playing are directly
attributable to the music they’re listening to. Parents need to
moderate the kinds of music they let their kids download onto their
ipod. What are they doing listening to Earl Scruggs Foggy Mountain Breakdown anyway, when kids should be listening to stuff their peers are into, like Back That Ass Up and My Humps?”

Added Dr. Finkle, “Oh, those lovely lady lumps.”

PHILADELPHIA, PA- After spending nearly an hour on the dance floor at Butterfly Echo, a trendy
local nightclub, 34 year old Leroy McPherson finally had enough of the house
music bossing him around and demanding he perform specific tasks. “I’m just
tired of the music telling me what to do all the time. Move Your Body, Shout, Push it, Put Your Hands in the Air, Lean Back. For Fuck’s sake, I just came to the club to relax
and let off some steam,” said McPherson, an accounts
receivable clerk at a local trucking company. “I spend the whole day with my
manager breathing down my neck, I don’t need this kind of pressure. The last
thing I need is some music demanding I do this or that. Jesus H. Christ.”

Musicologists trace the origins of bossy, dictatorial music to square dancing,
where bombastic ringleaders coerce innocent bystanders to dance precisely the way they want them
to, with no other options available. The Bossy Music movement seemed to peak
with the song “Hokey Pokey”, where the music bullied and forced dancers to put
their body parts in and out of a circle in repetitive increments against their
will. “The least the song could do is ask nicely. Like, ‘Put your hands in the Air, If You Feel Like It’, ‘Walk This Way, Unless You’re Tired’, ‘Back that Ass
Up, Pretty Please.’ That’s all I ask, damnit,” said McPherson.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – As a result of several years of poor decision-making and failed policy as Commander In Chief, top Bush administration officials speaking off the record verified that President Bush’s Magic 8-Ball was confiscated early yesterday morning.

The covert operation occurred at approximately 5:30 a.m., not long before Bush’s early morning jog. Although the president was caught off guard and held down by secret service agents, initial reports indicate it took six aides, three cabinet members, seven lobbyists and a senator nearly twenty minutes to finally pry the prized decision-making tool from Bush’s tight grip.

Administration advisors have long privately blamed Bush’s inability to make timely and appropriate decisions on his excessive dependence on the answers given to him by the novelty ball. Karl Rove has insinuated recently that Bush’s bungled response to Hurricane Katrina may have been the result of the 8-Ball getting stuck on “Ask Again Later.”

After the fortune-telling toy was retrieved, Bush reportedly fell to the floor in the Oval Office and threw a prolonged tantrum. “What’m I gonna do now?” allegedly screamed a tear-stained Bush, “I need my trusty 8-Ball with its rock solid answers to tough questions, or else I won’t be a good Decider.”

Those  involved with the magic ball reconnaissance mission have declined comment, although rumor has it the magical question answering oracle was hidden somewhere in the Library of Congress, a location most administration officials agree Bush would never set foot . When asked if Bush would speak about the alleged incident anytime soon, White House spokesman Tony Snow appeared shaken, replying, “Don’t Count on it. Cannot Predict Now. Outlook not so good. Better not tell you now.”

QUAKE CITY, Calif. – Policemen finally
ended a gruesome, 7-hour standoff by shooting and killing wanted gangland thugs
Theodore Ogelvie and Amos Tucker as they attempted to steal prized gold
nuggets from a local bank. The coroner’s office estimated riddled the
two deadly hooligans’ bodies with a total of 248 gunshot and ricochet
wounds. The gunshots and resulting mutilation were so extensive, the
mothers of the gangsters were unable to identify the bodies. “The
police just opened fire at Amos and Theo. They were sputtering around
like rag dolls stuck in stagecoach spokes. Their guts were splattering
everywhere. It was just awful,” said a blood-soaked orphan Celia
Bradley, one of the three children held hostage by the life-long
criminals during the incident. While those who consider the Apple
Dumpling Gang hometwon heros have claimed police misconduct and called
for a civilian review of the altercation, city officials believe such an
inquiry is unlikely at this time. “It was a good, clean shootin’,” said
Quake City Sherriff Homer McCoy. “248 gunshot wounds ain’t overkill. Scrapin’ up soggy pieces of ripped off flesh and bones from the town square’s a small price to pay to make sure them bastards got what they
deserved. They’ll never terrorize Quake City again, that’s for sure.”

PENSACOLA, Florida – In what is considered a lateral career move, twenty-eight year old local drug dealer Harry Macowski applied and was successfully employed as manager of the local UPS Store. “Working for UPS, I’m still distributing high quality crack and smack to punk ass tweakers, but everyone thinks I’m legit. I love drug dealing and shit, but I was tired of standing on the street corner all night just to finance my Mercedes, know what I’m sayin’? Working for UPS I can still deliver drugs to junkies, but now they’re all in a bunch of brown boxes,” said Macowski.

Although UPS has long garnered a reputation in the underground as an easy way to ship illegal narcotics undetected, the company hadn’t directly acknowledged that connection until Macowski’s hiring. “Opiates are huge for us. We get a ton of business from these guys shipping dope back and forth,” said UPS Florida regional director Florence Applegate. “We’re very happy with Harry. He has specialized in narcotic distribution for over ten years, so it was a perfect fit for us.”

Ironically, the term UPS has used to describe itself, Brown, is also slang for heroin and marijuana. As a result of this newfound honesty, UPS will unroll a new advertising slogan in the coming summer months entitled “What Shit can Brown Do for You, Motherfucker?”

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. – After being set up on a blind date with one of the famous Baldwin brother actors, local barfly and aspiring actress Christine Manchenko quickly realized he wasn’t the Baldwin she had thought. Manchenko was picked up in a run down Ford pickup with no back window, and she became suspicious of the Baldwin brother after not being able to place him in any of the movies she had seen recently.

“I love the Baldwins, but I wasn’t sure who this one was at all. It definitely wasn’t Billy Baldwin. That’s who I was hoping for. He was so unbelievably hot in Backdraft. And the guy was like way too old to be Stephen. I’ll take him circa Biodome anyday of the week. He did kinda look like Alec. Like a fat, retarded version of Alec. Plus, he smelled like cheap booze and hookers. Nasty.” Manchenko cut the blind date short as soon as she could, after the unidentified Baldwin brother pulled up to a sleazy bowling alley, burped while scratching himself and muttered indecipherable obscenities under his breath.

Experts believe that the suspected Baldwin brother was, in fact, the lesser known Daniel Baldwin. However, there is some speculation that a mystery Baldwin previously unknown to the public eye has emerged from the underground. Sources wishing to remain anonymous speculate that this Baldwin brother was somehow deformed or unwanted, and was raised in secret while being chained in a hidden chamber somewhere deep in the basement of the Baldwin compound.

No Baldwin returned calls for comment on this developing story. Also unavailable for comment was the original friend that set Ms. Manchenko up on the blind date. “I’m beginning to think she’s sort of a bitch. I’m seriously thinking about canceling the date she set me up with next weekend with one of the Wayans brothers,” said Manchenko.

Preliminary results from a newly released international scientific study indicate that men between the ages of 17 and 85 who regularly breastfeed on women’s bosoms are 73% less likely to develop health risks later. Quick on the heels of a recent study showing children who are breastfed have less stress later in life, scientists at the Swedish Medical Center for Disease Studies began research on whether or not the same health benefits occur if access to breasts were increased in adulthood.

Cleavage2_1“Our testing was implementing under rigorous scientific method to calculate the precise effect regular oral access to beautiful women’s shoulder boulders have on the health of our adult patients, Said Dr. Sven Yorgen, head of Swedish Medical Studies. “It helped that we have our own Bikini Team. I insisted on doing all the tests myself. And let me tell you, after 4 months of suckling 92 pairs of voluptuous mammaries, I feel terrific! The health benefits of regular titty sucking are now a matter of public record. I swear I could live forever!”

General results indicate the therapeutic applications of boob suckling specified several positive results in the majority of male patients, including decreased overall stress, lowered chance of heart complications and long lasting smiles. Conversely, a control group composed of adult males without clinical access to women’s melons developed increased anger, ulcers, depression and a proclivity to overall asshole-ish behavior in a relatively short amount of time.

“We found no discernible difference between males who sucked on real titties, and those who sucked on the fake variety,” said Yorgen. “All that mattered was the increased release of endorphins and testosterone as the test patients nibbled, licked and orally fondled women’s bazongas.” Although both men and women enjoyed it to a certain extent, adult males exhibited the most positive physiological effects from regular breastfeeding.

Frequency and number of unique breasts increased health also contributed to the health benefits. For instance, although the research discovered that men who sucked on one particular lady’s milkshake pom-poms exhibited a slight increase in overall health, the positive health benefits of men who slurped on a wide variety of female sugarplums was exponentially higher. As a result of the study’s conclusions, some scientists speculate that the medicinal value of a lifetime of breastfeeding may allow Hugh Hefner to live to 196. More on this story as it develops.

HAVANA, Cuba – After undergoing gastrointestinal surgery in Cuba, 80 year old communist dictator Fidel Castro immediately contacted several major league baseball teams to test the feasibility of trading some of his top baseball prospects for a good doctor. “Please, after oppressing my people for years, I cannot trust my own doctors. They’re incompetent. They would leave their watch in me when they sew me up…that is, if they could afford watches.”

Castro added, “What do you need? Shortstops? We’ve got those. Outfielders? Home run hitters? Need to shore up your bullpen? Please, just send me somebody from Johns Hopkins in return, I beg of you. Dios Mio, it hurts!” 

Although several baseball teams have shown interest in acquiring Cuban prospects, most expressed doubt that a deal could be ironed out before the trade deadline. George Steinbrenner of the New York Yankees has been emailing acting president Raul Castro with trade options. But Steinbrenner wasn’t optimistic. “We could give Fidel a sports medicine specialist or two, but what’s the point? All the top picks’ll come over on a raft next year anyway.”

Several Bush administration officials stated that the President, a former owner of the Texas Rangers baseball team, might be interested in personally ironing out a deal.  “We’d even throw in a few TV doctors too. How about Doogie Howser? Or better yet, George Clooney. He was on ER. We’d love to kick his ass to Cuba once and for all,” said administration spokesman Tony Snow. 

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an interesting twist to freedom of speech, protesters of those protesting Bush’s foreign policy towards Israel have been bombarded by protesters protesting those protesting the original protesters. “We’re not protesting the protesters who are protesting. Why would we protest them? What we’re against are the protesters protesting the protesters and that’s why we’re protesting the protesters who are protesting the protesters. Duh,” said counter-counter protest organizer Greg Klein. When asked if they agreed with the sentiments of the original protesters, Klein retorted, “We just want to show our solidarity by protesting against those who would protest against those who protest against Bush.”

Scientists believe that if this trend continues, and a counter protest to the counter protest protesting those who are counter protesting the protesters does in fact develop, it could have dire consequences to the space-time continuum. Explains Dr. Richard Sturgis, head of Theoretical Physics at MIT, “If the trend continues unabated, these protesters may invert upon themselves, much like when two mirrors face each other, causing an infinite spectrum of protesters in either direction. The sheer numbers could cause a buildup of dark matter and the eventual implosion of a major sector of the known universe.”

Despite these warnings, all the various protesters remain unwavering. Vigils, counter vigils, counter-counter vigils, and counter-counter-counter vigils are scheduled well into next Thursday. Although no violence amongst the conflicting protest groups has broken out, several had to leave due to headaches induced by trying to figure out what the hell they’re protesting against or for. “I don’t know what those guys are protesting our protest of the protesters, but we’re certainly not backing down” said a woman who identified herself as ‘Kathy’. “Shit, I can’t keep this straight. My head hurts.”

In a move designed to help recover dwindling attendance
after recent controversies, the Episcopalian Church has decided to introduce Casual Good Fridays to increase attendance. Good Friday, a remembrance of the
crucifixion of Jesus Christ at Cavalry, has been seen by many as a
disheartening event due to its dire subject matter. By encouraging casual
clothing and informal attire, the Church hopes to spice up the event and add
some excitement to an otherwise drab affair.

“Good Friday is such an ironic name. I mean, it’s the day we
commemorate our Lord and Savior getting nailed alive to a giant cross and left
to bleed to death. It’s so depressing. Hopefully this will spice up the
festivities a bit. With a more casual halter top or just the right jean skirt,
we can give Christ’s brutal and bloody slaying a feeling of a celebration,” said Bishop
Katharine Schori. Schori added that she plans to take off that "dumbass white strap" and give the Good Friday sermon
wearing a ruby red stretch silk charmeuse top with relaxed cropped cargo pants.

Traditionally, Episcopalian congregations’ fashion taste for
Good Friday services range from dismal, gloomy suits for men to conservative,
bland dresses for the women. This year anticipation for Good Friday is swelling
exponentially due to the fact that church members are free to wear sexy cami
and shrug tops, print t-shirts, tight fitting denim jeans, miniskirts, muscle
shirts, baggy pants, strapless cocktail dresses and babydoll corsets.

“I never look forward to these services,” declared 42 year
old Frank Berardi. “I hate wearing the acceptable attire. Makes me look like a
mortician. I’m really excited this year for Good Friday, because I’m gonna wear
my favorite bright pink and yellow Hawaiian shirt with the sexy Bermuda shorts
my wife picked up for me in Cabo. Sweet!” 

Other additions to existing Good Friday fashion traditions have
been embraced and others have caused skepticism among fashion and Christian
ranks alike. Although the red carpet outside every church foyer has been widely
accepted, some have complained that the flashing photographers are distracting and
have already been dubbed the Pope-arazzi. “Despite some cynicism from the
public, this is truly exciting. I hear some of our Good Friday churchgoers may
even make Mr. Blackwell’s list this year!” said Schori.

Some parishioners are concerned that a few may take the
Casual Good Friday invitation too far. Church leaders are pleading with members
to avoid taking the casual too far. “We want you to be as comfortable as
possible in the pews while celebrating the murder of Jesus by the Jews. But you
cannot praise the Lord in a thong bikini or Speedo,” scolded Schori. "The pews are not built for that and you will chafe. Now please open to Hymn 542, I’m Too Sexy."