Castro: “I’ll Trade Three First Round Draft Picks for Good Doctor”

HAVANA, Cuba – After undergoing gastrointestinal surgery in Cuba, 80 year old communist dictator Fidel Castro immediately contacted several major league baseball teams to test the feasibility of trading some of his top baseball prospects for a good doctor. “Please, after oppressing my people for years, I cannot trust my own doctors. They’re incompetent. They would leave their watch in me when they sew me up…that is, if they could afford watches.”

Castro added, “What do you need? Shortstops? We’ve got those. Outfielders? Home run hitters? Need to shore up your bullpen? Please, just send me somebody from Johns Hopkins in return, I beg of you. Dios Mio, it hurts!” 

Although several baseball teams have shown interest in acquiring Cuban prospects, most expressed doubt that a deal could be ironed out before the trade deadline. George Steinbrenner of the New York Yankees has been emailing acting president Raul Castro with trade options. But Steinbrenner wasn’t optimistic. “We could give Fidel a sports medicine specialist or two, but what’s the point? All the top picks’ll come over on a raft next year anyway.”

Several Bush administration officials stated that the President, a former owner of the Texas Rangers baseball team, might be interested in personally ironing out a deal.  “We’d even throw in a few TV doctors too. How about Doogie Howser? Or better yet, George Clooney. He was on ER. We’d love to kick his ass to Cuba once and for all,” said administration spokesman Tony Snow.