Warren
PENSACOLA, Florida – In what is considered a lateral career move, twenty-eight year old local drug dealer Harry Macowski applied and was successfully employed as manager of the local UPS Store. “Working for UPS, I’m still distributing high quality crack and smack to punk ass tweakers, but everyone thinks I’m legit. I love drug dealing and shit, but I was tired of standing on the street corner all night just to finance my Mercedes, know what I’m sayin’? Working for UPS I can still deliver drugs to junkies, but now they’re all in a bunch of brown boxes,” said Macowski.

Although UPS has long garnered a reputation in the underground as an easy way to ship illegal narcotics undetected, the company hadn’t directly acknowledged that connection until Macowski’s hiring. “Opiates are huge for us. We get a ton of business from these guys shipping dope back and forth,” said UPS Florida regional director Florence Applegate. “We’re very happy with Harry. He has specialized in narcotic distribution for over ten years, so it was a perfect fit for us.”

Ironically, the term UPS has used to describe itself, Brown, is also slang for heroin and marijuana. As a result of this newfound honesty, UPS will unroll a new advertising slogan in the coming summer months entitled “What Shit can Brown Do for You, Motherfucker?”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an unexpected move, President Bush named the beloved and bespectacled Mr. Monopoly
Guy as the next Treasury Secretary, in hopes that the unanticipated nominee will
bring much needed credibility to an administration in crisis.

Mr. Monopoly Guy will replace John Snow, who had filled the Cabinet position
since 2003. Although both outgoing and incoming secretaries have had experience
heading up giant railroad companies, Monopoly Guy’s resume is far more
extensive. His broad and far-reaching experience spans decades, and includes
overseeing of several utility companies, supervision of numerous rental
properties, as well as the construction and management of mammoth hotels on the
famed Boardwalk and Park Place properties.

“Mr. Monopoly, or as I like to call him, Rich Uncle Pennybags, is supremely
qualified for this position in my Cabinet. He understands economic policy and
has a keen grasp of our initiatives. Plus, them top hats are so cool. I wanna
wear one of those, heh-heh-heh,” said Bush, referring to the headwear Mr. Monopoly has adorned
since he came into the public spotlight.

Mr. Monopoly was a major fundraiser for the 2004 Bush reelection, earning
the title “pioneer” for having earned over $100,000 dollars for the president’s
campaign. After several bank errors in his favor, that number rose to almost a
quarter of a million dollars. A previous scandal had several major economic
players accusing Mr. Monopoly of stealing from the till after he insisted on being
their “banker” during important transactions, although the charges were
eventually dropped.

Skeptics also remain unconvinced that Monopoly’s seasoned real estate
experience will translate well on Bush’s team. They cite his previous support
of draconian tax structure, including the school tax, income tax and poor tax.

“We’ve had decent growth in the private sector over the last two years. I
don’t see how adding a guy whom many associate with pure greed can help us in
an election year,” said one Bush Aide who wished to remain anonymous. “Plus,
the guy has no concept of inflation. Twenty-four bucks rent for a high end house in Marvin Gardens? Come on, what is this, 1936?”

Although sources are uncertain precisely how much influence Mr. Monopoly
will have on current economic policy, he has already made waves by presenting
$200 handouts to members of Congress every time they come around the block. He
also is alleged to have offered to trade Condaleeza Rice the deeds to his
Baltic and Mediterranean for her Washington apartment.

The Senate Finance Committee, headed by Chuck Grassley, R-Iowa, is anticipated
to schedule hearings for Mr. Monopoly in the not too distant future, and all indications point to an easy appointment. "He’s a wonderful nomination by Bush. He’ll be the only Treasury Secretary to ever have had his own float in the Macy’s Parade!" said Grassley.

“America’s
economic ascendancy was built on the backs of entrepreneurship and the natural competitiveness
of the private market,” said Mr. Monopoly at his nomination press conference. “Plus,
I promise everyone will get Free Parking.

Despite Mr. Monopoly’s resume, rumors abound that Bush appointed him to the position for the sole
purpose of retrieving his coveted “Get Out of Jail Free”
cards as an emergency bail out for fellow Republican cohorts combatting a recent slew of criminal indictments.

(UNASSOCIATED PRESS) – An independent clinical study
released yesterday by the Pew Research Center has discovered that at least 23
percent of the ingredients in takeout pizza include the bodily fluids from the
industry’s teenage employees.

National pizza chains have traditionally employed a large
percentage of the American teenage population. Not only has this provided adolescents with the
opportunity to earn extra money for summer activities, they now have the chance to
disseminate various bodily secretions into the food of unsuspecting patrons in previously unheard of amounts.

The Pew Center, a nonpartisan research organization, obtained the test results through a random sampling of
delivery pizzas from national chains including Domino’s, Pizza Hut and Papa
John’s. The study revealed that the urban legend involving various bodily ooze making its
way into your food contained a grain of truth.


“Certainly these kids are learning the value of a hard days
work,” said Pew Research Fellow Dr. Damon Stottelmeyer. “But they are also
ascertaining, perhaps intuitively, how easy it is to hock a gooey loogie into a
large pepperoni, and the customer is none the wiser.”

This sort of passive-aggressive behavior is only aggravated
by additional emissions teens may unintentionally discharge onto pizza
ingredients, including brow sweat splashed
onto the pizza dough and excessive sneezing over the toppings area during flu season.

“I don’t even want to know what some of the more perverted
kids do in the back office with the blinds shut. Who knows what sort of nasty
double entendres are manifested on top of the Meat Lovers pizza?” said
Stottelmeyer. The revelation has already caused a furor in the pizza eating
community, and the FDA has threatened to intervene.

While not denying teen spew has spurted onto their product, some
major pizza chains dismissed the more sinister implications of the study’s
results, betraying their deeply entrenched dependence on cheap teenage
labor. “The continued health of our customers is of utmost importance to us,” said a
spokesman for Pizza Hut. “If this study is corroborated, we intend to ensure all
of our food charts are updated to include calorie counts for teenage spit and jizz.” 

ORANGE COUNTY, Ca. – Looking for new and innovative marketing techniques for
their already lucrative cookie sales, the Girl Scouts of America has announced it
will now promote their tasty treats to potheads. “This is a great chance to
expand revenue for the girls, so they may build character and skills for
success in the real world,” Margaret Collins, head of the Orange County chapter. “Plus they’ll be exposed to some killer music, dude.”

The Amsterdam Girl Scout chapter tested the technique, and
as a result the fundraising for their council increased 4,582% over last year with record sales of all the major cookie styles, including Thin Mints,
Do-Si-Do’s and Tagalongs. Instead of pestering patrons of local grocery stores
and parents’ coworkers, scout leaders plan to market their cookies outside
reggae concerts, cartoon festivals and local college dorms.

If the new marketing strategy is a success, the program may
be expanded to include sales of official Girl Scout black-lights and Girl Scout
Hemp based products, including body mists, candles, lotions and lip balm.  In order to help the scouts understand their
new clients, the national Girl Scout Council has encouraged parents to replace
their girls’ normal hairdos with dread locks. Also new is the recent Scout curriculum additions
of glass-pipe blowing and basement botany merit badges.

 

“We’re really excited about the potential to blow the lid
off of our sales figures. Of course, it’s all to help the girls build essential
life-skills,” Said Collins. She added, “Dude, stop bogarting the Samoas.”

NEWPORT –
Local Buddhist Dick Shmitty has refused to finalize sales of several plasma screen televisions to consumers at the Circuit City location he works at, citing his ardent religious beliefs. "Our attachment to material goods leads to suffering and withholds enlightenment from us. As a matter of conscience, my religious beliefs will not allow me to sell gigantic plasma televisions and promote the glorification of the impermanent."

Shmitty, a follower of Mahayan sect of Zen Buddhism remains vigilant in the face of rising opposition to his stance. He maintains that like Christian pharmacists forced to distribute birth control, he is being persecuted for his religious beliefs. Shmitty has vowed to continue to refuse to sell patrons of Circuit City gorgeous high-definition plasma screens with superior brightness and color in a slim, powerful package until all customers reach true enlightenment.

Some are not amused at what some have perceived as a publicity stunt to stir up the Buddhist vote in the upcoming elections. "All I wanted to do was buy that sweet ass Panasonic 50" Plasma HDTV," said customer Patrick Fitzsimmons. "It retails for like, 3700 bucks. Have you seen the clarity on that motherfucker? Does that idiot know what kind of commission he’s giving up? What an asshole."

The controversy has reached beyond the walls of electronics stores and has captured national interest in recent days. Supporters claim Shmitty shouldn’t have to be forced to sell anything that is against his moral principles. "We support the right of salespeople to excuse themselves from activity which they find objectionable," says Tina Wickman of ABBA, the American Buddhist Bereavement Association.

Opponents contend that if Shmitty didn’t want to sell material goods he shouldn’t have taken the job in the first place. They contend that in smaller towns, there is often only one distributer for high-quality electronic merchandise. Sharper Image founder Richard Thalheimer doesn’t see a legal correlation between salesmen and the products they sell. "What’s the point of cool gadgets if the salesman won’t run max out your Visa buying them due to some religious beliefs you don’t share with him?

Shmitty has a history of religious views clashing with his job requirements. In 1998 he was fired from Chili’s for refusing to bring a 4th order of boneless buffalo wings to a morbidly obese customer based on the Buddhist view on desire and attachment. He also resigned from Jared’s Galleria of Jewelry when he wouldn’t sell a diamond encrusted bracelet to a woman when he claimed it would break Buddha’s second law of the Four Noble Truths.

Although the dispute has garnered widespread coverage White House spokesman Scott McClellan has remained ambivalent on the administration’s stance. Senator Bill Frist has alluded to possible legislation barring salesmen from choosing the merchandise they sell on religious grounds because such activities don’t foster healthy capitalism. Circuit City management has placed Shmitty on probation until his case can be reviewed. He was recently suspended for shaving his head bald and insisting on wearing an orange tunic in the electronics section while on duty.

Somedude_1

INDIANAPOLIS – Local
accountant Gary Shemplten was not pleased to discover that his native country,
the United States of America,
was not listed at the top of the pull down menu at the start of his internet
form filling. “God Damn it all to Hell!” exclaimed a visibly irate Shemplten as
he struggled with the mouse roller. The resulting point and click added another
13 seconds to Gary’s internet surfing
time. “What’s the fucking point of this? It starts at Afghanistan? Oh, yeah, real smart. Al Qaeda’s a huge demographic for emoticons. Was this script written by a
retarded orangutan?”

Countrypulldown_2
Although many sites choose to put the U.S.
at the top of the scroll lists if the majority of their clients are American, there
are no universal guidelines for webmasters and internet developers when
configuring listing choices. “I had to scroll all the way through Ethiopa, the Faroe
Islands, Guyana, Kyrgyzstan and Liechenstein. Liechtenstein for God’s Sake! Then I struggled down
past Mauritania,
rolled past Qatar
and Sri Lanka,
and finally, FINALLY I find ‘USA’
tucked between Uruguay and Uzbekistan. Thanks a lot jackasses."


GOLDEN, Co – President Bush unveiled
a visionary agenda today at Colorado’s Renewable Energy Lab that included a
comprehensive push
for faith-based alternative fuels.

“The power of prayer has yet to
reach its great potential,” said Bush in front of a large group of specialists
and industry insiders. “It’s time to harness the energy found within the
flapping of angel wings.”

Bush proposed a plan that vowed to cut
40% of oil consumption in the
U.S. by 2025 through appealing to a Higher Power. “I firmly
believe that God will provide for the American people. And that includes
finding cost-effective fuel alternatives so we can drive our kids 5 blocks to soccer practice in a Hummer."

Some conservation groups remain skeptical os
Bush. “Seems like smoke and mirrors,” said Tony
Schiatto of OAF, the Organization for Alternative Fuels. “Americans consume 10
million gallons of oil per day, and I doubt singing a bunch of freakin’ hymns
is gonna do much to change that.”

Volunteers passed out bracelets at the
Energy Lab before Bush took the podium emblazoned with the acronym WWJD, which
stands for “What Would Jesus Drive?” 

Local believer Virginia Slokum seemed exuberant about the prospect. "I’m hoping the Jesus bobblehead on my Chevy’s dashboard will give me at least 7 more miles to the gallon!"

Detroit auto manufacturers have been reluctant to pursue faith-based
car technology. Scientists at Ford
have postponed the faith-based fuel program when initial tests indicated the
faith-based car received 0 miles per gallon, as it didn’t move.

Head engineer Fillard Johnson
elaborates, “We had 16 nuns, 7 priests, 3 Baptist ministers, the Mormon
Tabernacle Choir and a rabbi all praying really, really hard for the 2007 Camero prototype equipped with faith-based fuel system, but got nothing. Zilch. Not a peep from the
ignition switch, transmission or fuel pressure regulator. It’s
very disconcerting.”   

The solution seems to be somewhere
in between oil based energy and faith-based fuels. “We’re hoping to develop a
hybrid that will combine the best of both worlds: the Lord our Savior and Gas.”


American schools have been fairing
poorly in science and applied technology compared to most other industrialized
nations, and engineers, scientists and inventors who once sought out the
U.S.to settle are now seeking out other nations.

Bush expressed his hope that
faith-based technologies will advance to the point where American science
classes can be replaced completely with bible study. “We’ll let them Aussies
and Frenchies deal with that science mumbo-jumbo,” snickered Bush, “The Spirit
of the Lord will start my SUV!”

Some auto companies see a bright
future in faith-based fuels.
Japan has already seen the arrival of a 4-door sedan that runs on
the power of meditation called the Nissan Nirvana, and
Europe is the
testing ground for the Mercedes Jihad, a prototype that runs on hatred of the
infidel.