WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an unexpected move, President Bush named the beloved and bespectacled Mr. Monopoly
Guy as the next Treasury Secretary, in hopes that the unanticipated nominee will
bring much needed credibility to an administration in crisis.
Mr. Monopoly Guy will replace John Snow, who had filled the Cabinet position
since 2003. Although both outgoing and incoming secretaries have had experience
heading up giant railroad companies, Monopoly Guy’s resume is far more
extensive. His broad and far-reaching experience spans decades, and includes
overseeing of several utility companies, supervision of numerous rental
properties, as well as the construction and management of mammoth hotels on the
famed Boardwalk and Park Place properties.
“Mr. Monopoly, or as I like to call him, Rich Uncle Pennybags, is supremely
qualified for this position in my Cabinet. He understands economic policy and
has a keen grasp of our initiatives. Plus, them top hats are so cool. I wanna
wear one of those, heh-heh-heh,” said Bush, referring to the headwear Mr. Monopoly has adorned
since he came into the public spotlight.
Mr. Monopoly was a major fundraiser for the 2004 Bush reelection, earning
the title “pioneer” for having earned over $100,000 dollars for the president’s
campaign. After several bank errors in his favor, that number rose to almost a
quarter of a million dollars. A previous scandal had several major economic
players accusing Mr. Monopoly of stealing from the till after he insisted on being
their “banker” during important transactions, although the charges were
Skeptics also remain unconvinced that Monopoly’s seasoned real estate
experience will translate well on Bush’s team. They cite his previous support
of draconian tax structure, including the school tax, income tax and poor tax.
“We’ve had decent growth in the private sector over the last two years. I
don’t see how adding a guy whom many associate with pure greed can help us in
an election year,” said one Bush Aide who wished to remain anonymous. “Plus,
the guy has no concept of inflation. Twenty-four bucks rent for a high end house in Marvin Gardens? Come on, what is this, 1936?”
Although sources are uncertain precisely how much influence Mr. Monopoly
will have on current economic policy, he has already made waves by presenting
$200 handouts to members of Congress every time they come around the block. He
also is alleged to have offered to trade Condaleeza Rice the deeds to his
Baltic and Mediterranean for her Washington apartment.
The Senate Finance Committee, headed by Chuck Grassley, R-Iowa, is anticipated
to schedule hearings for Mr. Monopoly in the not too distant future, and all indications point to an easy appointment. "He’s a wonderful nomination by Bush. He’ll be the only Treasury Secretary to ever have had his own float in the Macy’s Parade!" said Grassley.
economic ascendancy was built on the backs of entrepreneurship and the natural competitiveness
of the private market,” said Mr. Monopoly at his nomination press conference. “Plus,
I promise everyone will get Free Parking.”
Despite Mr. Monopoly’s resume, rumors abound that Bush appointed him to the position for the sole
purpose of retrieving his coveted “Get Out of Jail Free”
cards as an emergency bail out for fellow Republican cohorts combatting a recent slew of criminal indictments.