(UNASSOCIATED PRESS) – The feeding tube of renowned killer Jason Voorhees, the man in the middle of a bitter moral and legal battle that has drawn national attention, was removed by state officials on Tuesday at the behest of the families of his numerous victims. Voorhees had been in a persistent vegetative state for nine years after being discovered unconscious and in a coma at the bottom of Crystal Lake.

It was a dramatic moment that encapsulated the extreme emotions on all sides of the struggle to decide the fate of the infamous boogeyman. The controversy has endured nine years of arduous court battles, and had taken its toll on the families of the victims of Voorhees’ alleged bloodlust and wrath.

At 2:15 p.m. on Tuesday, doctors removed the feeding tube from Jason’s grey, moldy forearm, placing it gently next to the flowers of well wishers and his famed hockey mask on the counter by his hospital bed. Without liquid nourishment, Jason could still remain alive for two to four weeks before dying of dehydration.

This may be the last chapter in the onerous saga that began almost 50 years ago when Jason Voorhees drowned in Crystal Lake as careless teenage camp counselors had sexual relations. Although the details of the last half century are vague and contradictory, most experts agree that numerous violent and bloody battles had left him with permanent brain damage.

After being retrieved from the bottom of Crystal Lake nine years ago, a dozen doctors have consistently diagnosed him to be in a persistent vegetative state. The controversy developed a life of its own since Jason left no living will describing his desires, rarely speaking of such wishes to anyone.

Some have claimed that Jason would not have wanted to be kept alive artificially and that it should be removed so he may pass on. Fans of the serial killer and Right-to-Life activists have fought to keep his feeding tube attached, declaring his condition could improve with the right rehabilitation.

Jason62
A spokesman for the families involved in the killing sprees expressed relief at a hastily prepared press conference. “We’ve battled long and hard to get to this point, but we’re satisfied with the court’s decision. Jason will not be kept alive through a tube. We know he’s been killed numerous times before. But this time it’s different. He’s not coming back. We can finally rest at ease. Nope. Nu-uh. No chance of him coming back from the dead this time. He’s dead forever. Yep.”

The families’ spokesman elaborated on their plans to file lawsuits in civil court on behalf of the 144 victims allegedly murdered by Jason over a period of 26 years if the feeding tube is reattached.

They may seek restitution for Jason’s alleged butchery, which includes accusations of triple decapitation, machete hacking, head crushing, bludgeoning with a wrench, throat slashing, eye gouging, drowning, strangulation, as well as impalement with various objects including knives, spears, mirror chards, pitchforks, knitting needles, fireplace pokers, axes, railroad spikes, corkscrews, meat cleavers, garden shears and harpoons.

Andrew McMullan, lawyer for the Voorhees Estate vowed the battle was not over. “We hope to make an emergency appeal the 11th U.S. Circuit’s decision. The clock is ticking. Do these people have no compassion? Jason is starving to death right now. That’s somebody’s son suffering in the hospital. Are they heartless?”

“Well, we know at least one of Jason’s victims is heartless- Jason ripped his heart right out of his chest!” said Thomas Stanton, father of Suzi, a teenage girl Jason allegedly stabbed with a spear while on a Senior Class boat trip in 1989.

In an ironic twist, the actions of Congress have only reinforced the opinion of many who believe Jason Voorhees’ fate is being exploited for political purposes. The House of Representatives convened in an emergency session to pass legislation overriding the state court’s decision.

Said House Majority Leader John Boehner, “We need to save Jason. He can’t suffer a slow death through starvation. We want him to live, so way we can try him for all those murders. Then we can give him the electric chair. We can’t let activist judges take away the fun of murdering that son of a bitch ourselves!”

After being informed electrocution had previously reanimated Jason from the dead twice already, Boehner seemed confused. “Well that doesn’t make any sense at all. Wait, what? He drowned in 1957, right? How many times has he risen from the dead? Nine, ten times at least, right? How in the hell could electricity possibly…ah, fuck it.”

The dispute over Vorhees’ feeding tube follows quickly on the heels of other high profile cases involving famous killers. Most notably are the Leprechaun’s successful discrimination lawsuit after Cedar Point refused him admission to several roller coasters, Chucky from Child’s Play being tried as a minor for his crimes, and the Supreme Court’s ruling in favor of Freddy Krueger in Krueger v. Duraflame.

(UNASSOCIATED PRESS) – Following the push to replace Franklin Roosevelt’s head on the dime with Ronald Reagan’s, supporters of former president Bill Clinton hope to mandate all U.S. strip clubs place Clinton’s head on their funny money. 

Most upscale gentlemen’s clubs offer patrons the choice of converting their dollar bills to ‘strip club dollars’. It is fake or funny money that bares a resemblance to legal tender but is instead printed on colorful paper with the strip club’s logo. “It’s a fun way to involve the customers and snatch more of their cash. Plus it cracks down on counterfeit bills,” says Benny Taglioni, manager of Boner Appetit’s, a New Jersey strip club.

The proposed legislation would require each club’s dollar bills to include a portrait or photograph of Bill Clinton in a similar fashion to the pictures of past leaders on legal paper money. The clubs could simply accentuate the pictures on their existing dollars, which are often riddled with provocative pictures, bare-ass naked woman, exposed boobs, and strippers in obscene poses.

“It’s a great idea,” says sponsor of the bill Jeffrey Kierkegaard, D-Maryland. “Every time someone is getting a lapdance from Jasmine, the Perfect 10 with the 36 DD’s, Slick Willy’s face will be there to remind us of our freedom. His mug will remind us of the roaring 90’s, when the Cold War was over, everyone was making money, and the worst thing we had to worry about was a president getting a hummer from a fat girl.”

Weary of the endless misappropriation of their properties
during debates and discussion, apples and oranges have finally agreed in
principle to merge into one entity, ending years of struggle between their
innate differences.

“We just got tired of every jerk on the street using the
lack of similarity between apples and oranges to symbolize their own disagreements.
The time has come for apples and oranges to stand together and proclaim that we are united in purpose despite our differences,” said a
spokesman for the newly formed Apple-Orange Alliance.

Lazy pundits and amateurish high school debate teams may be
forced to find other hackneyed analogies to run into the ground. No longer will
they be able to depend on the apple-orange comparison to expose their opponents’
false parallels. “This is a victory for all those apple and orange lovers
exhausted by the constant discrimination of people bent on always pointing out
our differences.”


Some candidates for replacing the apple-orange comparison in
everyday vernacular include cars and boats, ponies and mules, Playstations and Xboxes,
boners and labias
, and possibly Christopher Lloyds and Christopher Walkens.

Other fruits are rumored to be disgruntled at being left out
of the merger proposition. A spokesman for bananas grumbled at the lack of
interest in them for a role in the newly formed union. “We’ve been featured in
many hilarious slapstick skits, not to mention a world-famous Harry Belafonte
tune. We don’t understand why apples and oranges would snub us from their
negotiations.” Rumors have it the negative connotations of bananas when
referencing mental patients ultimately played a role in the slight. A similar problem
was cited by the raspberry, who claimed his calls to the apple-orange
federation weren’t returned due to its own close association with flatulence.


Still, the apple/orange merger is seen in many circles as an
important first step towards the eventual fortification of a unified fruit
coalition. Experts aren’t sure whether the new partnership will use the term applanges
or orpples to signify their solidarity. Regardless, the new alliance signifies
a major shift in the world of bland comparisons, since apples and oranges can
no longer be considered two separate entities.

 

Old_couple_1
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Congress may soon be poised to consider several competing proposals to ban
marriage between elderly men and women. Polls show that many Americans oppose
elderly marriage on moral and religious grounds, but are conflicted on whether
or not a constitutional amendment banning old people from matrimony is the
correct step to take.

Boehner_3
Majority Leader Senator Boehner (R) has not yet delineated the details of
the proposed old-person marriage ban making its way in the Senate, but he told
reporters on Tuesday that traditional marriage was “under siege” and “old
people are denigrating this sacred institution, and we plan to defend it at all
costs. Marriage should only be between a young man and a young woman, period.”

The emotionally troublesome legislative issue has been a source of disparity
in a population deeply divided in opinion on the subject. House minority leader
Nancy Pelosi (D) insisted the legislation was just a ploy to energize the
conservative base. “The Right has long considered the AARP a political foe, and
this is just yet another sleazy ploy to get out the youth vote.” Some
conservative congressmen have urged caution, as they don’t want to be accused
of geriatric-bashing.

Protesters_7
Anti-Elderly organizations have recently conducted a coordinated national
effort to combat elderly weddings, seeing it as a disintegration of the very
foundations of American society. These groups consistently believe that the
consummation of an elderly man and woman is morally repugnant and indefensible.

“It’s disgusting,” said Tanya Polanski, a 23 year old picketer outside the
Washington Mall. “It’s totally unnatural. They’re a bunch of filthy sickening
degenerates. I mean, at that age, doing what they do? Just the thought of those
wrinkly, saggy bodies throbbing against each other, their shriveled up limbs
and shapeless torsos writhing, body parts oozing…” Polanski periodically
interrupted her rant with dry heaves and violent convulsions.

Protest1_3
Opponents of elderly weddings insist that they are not prejudiced, but are
merely blessed defenders of the traditional definition of matrimony as only
between virile young men and fertile woman. “Marriage is under attack,” said
Elton Branford of the Urban Youth League. “Name one constructive purpose two
geezers getting married serves. They can’t ever have kids and most of them’ll
die of some disease in the next few years anyway. Elderly marriage is a drain on society’s resources.”

Bob_dole_1
Former presidential candidate Bob Dole saw the recent anti-elderly movement
in his party disconcerting. He believes old people have just as much right to
get married as anyone else. “I’m certainly in the demographic that this legislation
targets,” said Dole. “What’s wrong with Elizabeth and I having sex? We’re in love. Does age really matter? Isn’t it really just
about two people sharing a unique bond, devoting their lives to each other,
being active and fruitful members of the community?” Boehner replied that while
he respected the former Senator’s position, the thought of the Doles boning
each other was “enough to make me lose my breakfast, lunch and dinner."

Viagra2_4
Massive boycotts have paralyzed companies like pharmaceutical manufacturer Pfizer.
Pfizer’s drug Viagra is held responsible by many fundamentalists for the
resurgence of promiscuity in the elderly population. Rising opposition to
state-subsidized access to Viagra has made some politicians quietly reconsider
the 2004 Medicaire prescription Bill. Boycotts of Geritol and Vic’s Vapo Rub
have had a crippling effect on retirement home morale, and ratings for
syndicated Matlock reruns are down 57% since the elderly marriage ban reached
the floor of Congress.

Old_couple200dpi_2
Branford didn’t seem to betray any sympathy for the struggles of elderly
couples for equal rights. “The activities these geezers are committing are sins
against God and nature. The Lord our Savior intended marriage to be a sacred
institution between a young man and woman for the sole purpose of procreation.
Not so two wrinkly, geriatric bodies could go at it like ferrets. It’s an
affront to our very way of life. These Seniors are sinners, and should repent
of their repugnant lifestyle instead of spending their time sticking it in each
others dusty, dried up holes.”

Related legislation banning elderly adoption of young children may be introduced in the Senate as early as next Thursday. Sponsor of the bill, Senator Santorum (R) has conveyed deep misgivings about elderly adoption, claiming a child seeing ones parents wearing similar diapers to their own would cause irreperable harm  to their natural development.

ORANGE COUNTY, Ca. – Looking for new and innovative marketing techniques for
their already lucrative cookie sales, the Girl Scouts of America has announced it
will now promote their tasty treats to potheads. “This is a great chance to
expand revenue for the girls, so they may build character and skills for
success in the real world,” Margaret Collins, head of the Orange County chapter. “Plus they’ll be exposed to some killer music, dude.”

The Amsterdam Girl Scout chapter tested the technique, and
as a result the fundraising for their council increased 4,582% over last year with record sales of all the major cookie styles, including Thin Mints,
Do-Si-Do’s and Tagalongs. Instead of pestering patrons of local grocery stores
and parents’ coworkers, scout leaders plan to market their cookies outside
reggae concerts, cartoon festivals and local college dorms.

If the new marketing strategy is a success, the program may
be expanded to include sales of official Girl Scout black-lights and Girl Scout
Hemp based products, including body mists, candles, lotions and lip balm.  In order to help the scouts understand their
new clients, the national Girl Scout Council has encouraged parents to replace
their girls’ normal hairdos with dread locks. Also new is the recent Scout curriculum additions
of glass-pipe blowing and basement botany merit badges.

 

“We’re really excited about the potential to blow the lid
off of our sales figures. Of course, it’s all to help the girls build essential
life-skills,” Said Collins. She added, “Dude, stop bogarting the Samoas.”

NEWPORT –
Local Buddhist Dick Shmitty has refused to finalize sales of several plasma screen televisions to consumers at the Circuit City location he works at, citing his ardent religious beliefs. "Our attachment to material goods leads to suffering and withholds enlightenment from us. As a matter of conscience, my religious beliefs will not allow me to sell gigantic plasma televisions and promote the glorification of the impermanent."

Shmitty, a follower of Mahayan sect of Zen Buddhism remains vigilant in the face of rising opposition to his stance. He maintains that like Christian pharmacists forced to distribute birth control, he is being persecuted for his religious beliefs. Shmitty has vowed to continue to refuse to sell patrons of Circuit City gorgeous high-definition plasma screens with superior brightness and color in a slim, powerful package until all customers reach true enlightenment.

Some are not amused at what some have perceived as a publicity stunt to stir up the Buddhist vote in the upcoming elections. "All I wanted to do was buy that sweet ass Panasonic 50" Plasma HDTV," said customer Patrick Fitzsimmons. "It retails for like, 3700 bucks. Have you seen the clarity on that motherfucker? Does that idiot know what kind of commission he’s giving up? What an asshole."

The controversy has reached beyond the walls of electronics stores and has captured national interest in recent days. Supporters claim Shmitty shouldn’t have to be forced to sell anything that is against his moral principles. "We support the right of salespeople to excuse themselves from activity which they find objectionable," says Tina Wickman of ABBA, the American Buddhist Bereavement Association.

Opponents contend that if Shmitty didn’t want to sell material goods he shouldn’t have taken the job in the first place. They contend that in smaller towns, there is often only one distributer for high-quality electronic merchandise. Sharper Image founder Richard Thalheimer doesn’t see a legal correlation between salesmen and the products they sell. "What’s the point of cool gadgets if the salesman won’t run max out your Visa buying them due to some religious beliefs you don’t share with him?

Shmitty has a history of religious views clashing with his job requirements. In 1998 he was fired from Chili’s for refusing to bring a 4th order of boneless buffalo wings to a morbidly obese customer based on the Buddhist view on desire and attachment. He also resigned from Jared’s Galleria of Jewelry when he wouldn’t sell a diamond encrusted bracelet to a woman when he claimed it would break Buddha’s second law of the Four Noble Truths.

Although the dispute has garnered widespread coverage White House spokesman Scott McClellan has remained ambivalent on the administration’s stance. Senator Bill Frist has alluded to possible legislation barring salesmen from choosing the merchandise they sell on religious grounds because such activities don’t foster healthy capitalism. Circuit City management has placed Shmitty on probation until his case can be reviewed. He was recently suspended for shaving his head bald and insisting on wearing an orange tunic in the electronics section while on duty.

Hot_brunetteNEW YORK –
Michelle Stansler’s dream of being recognized for her God
given talent of looking hot while buck naked finally came true after starring
in Blowfinger Productions straight-to-internet video entitled Hot N’Nasty: Flesh
Fest Five
.

“I just knew that the Lord had blessed me with unparalleled abilities
unlike anyone else. It was just a matter of finding the right forum to display
to the world my distinct and exceptional talents.”

With no singing, dancing or athletic ability whatsoever and
a near-retarded IQ of 94, Michelle seemed fated for a life of mediocrity and anonymity. Her
only hope seemed to find a strong, wealthy man to take care of her and save her
from what certainly would be an unimpressive and tiresome life doomed to be
forgotten in the dust bin of memory.

But quite by accident, Michelle discovered her stunning ability to be naked, when last November a strong gust
of wind blew up her skirt near a local construction site causing the workers to
whistle and gawk. “I had no idea I had an aptitude for exposing my voluptuous bubble butt, or the unique effect it would have on men. How lucky for me I hadn’t worn underwear that day! It was then I knew my destiny.” Since she discovered her talent for not wearing clothes, Michelle’s prospects for a career have skyrocketed.

With luscious hips, long slender legs, a set of pouty,
crimson red lips, goddess-like elevated cheekbones, a gorgeous mane of silky
brown curls, healthy, perfectly oval breasts with silver dollar nipples and a
deliciously ripe, round ass, some experts believe that as long as she’s naked, Michelle
may be the most singularly talented person the world has ever produced.

It may be Michelle’s willingness to be so talented in front
of the cameras that will separate her from the rest of the hundreds of
thousands of ‘models’ on the internet. “Sure she’s special. She’s talented like I
ain’t never seen” panted her director, Oral Izer McHumpentuff, after the sweaty
six hour shoot with Michelle for Blowfinger. “Ain’t nobody’s talented like Michelle
is.”

Since she was a small child, Michelle had dreamed of a
moment when millions would unite and in unison celebrate her because of a
talent she and only she possessed. After responding to the ad for nude modeling
that led her to star in Flesh Fest Five, her one-of-a-kind ability to be
totally bare-ass naked may finally be acknowledged on a global scale.

Deadbeat_2
BOSTON, Mass. – All Highway 93 wants is the peace of mind that comes from a stable father
figure to look after it and ensure its safety. Instead, the highway has been
living in virtual squalor, the victim of months of neglect from its adopted
father, local bartender Terry Figmore.

By all accounts 93 is a sweet, charming 6 lane highway that heads from  New
  Hampshire towards the Boston Harbor. Known for its calm, grassy knolls
and smooth riding, the highway has suffered from undeserved neglect since his
adoptive father disappeared. Figmore is wanted on felony charges for willfully
failing to keep up the highway and is considered one of the states most
notorious deadbeat fathers, say state officials.

Adopthighway_1

“He scum,” says ex-wife Tammy. “We made the decision to
adopt the highway together, then he skips out on the next bus out of town. Our
whole family’s been struggling just to keep the litter by the dividers under
control.”

Without Figmore to help alleviate the hardship, Highway 93
has had to endure an overwhelming barrage of McDonald’s burger wrappers,
cigarette butts, used condoms, hefty sacks, boxes, broken glass and random
trash.

Social Services has had to assist Tammy and the highway’s
little brother Timmy in the care and upkeep of the road. Timmy does not hide
his resentment. “I hate him. How could dad do this to us? We have to work our
asses off inhaling carbon monoxide all day in orange vests while he’s living
the high life? It’s just wrong.”

While Figmore still remains at large, Boston officials remain hopeful he will be caught, imprisoned and forced to clean the
same highway he abandoned with the inmates who sodomize him in the shower.

Scientist_2
NEW YORK–
Scientists have invented a new contraceptive similar to the Morning After
Pill called The Afternoon Before Pill. “The Afternoon Before Pill works just
like the Morning After Pill by preventing ovaries from releasing an egg,” says
the head scientist, Dr. Morgan Fillmein.

Bigpill_1

“The only difference is women take it shortly before they go
on a date. I mean, come on. Women already know when they’re going to put out.
They’re in complete control of the world’s supply of poon-tang. Whether or not they’re getting the hot beef injection isn’t a mystery to them, only to their date. Just
take the goddamn pill before the date already. Or don’t. Just stop leading me on all night!.”

Dr. Fillmein admits the
chemical structure of the morning after and the afternoon before pill are identical.
“So fucking what? I just need to get laid!”


(UNASSOCIATED PRESS)
Widespread
rage over recent Family Circus cartoons erupted violently into the streets of America yesterday, when angry protestors violently displayed their disapproval of the
patronizing comic strip by looting and firebombing local stores.

Beyond the United States border, equally livid international protestors demonstrated their violent
discontent as several U.S. Embassies on European soil were stormed and those
inside were dragged into the street and beaten to death. Over 17 fatalities
have been reported as of printing, and the violence has shown no signs of
dissipating.

An estimated 50,000 strong crowd gathered on the Washington
National Mall in the early afternoon, ballooning earlier estimates of no more
than 3,000. At least 3 protestors were trampled to death during the
proceedings.

The restless crowd threw bottles and debris at police guards
in riot gear while chanting “Death to Keane, Death to King!” for over an hour.
It was is a reference to Bil Keane, Family Circus cartoonist since 1960, and
King Features, the company that syndicates the comic strip to over 1500
newspapers worldwide. "I just don’t understand," said Keane. "I’m sorry if I offended anybody. I just want to express my views."

National leaders have expressed shock and dismay at the recent
violence. White House spokesman Scott McClellan reiterated the president’s
stance on the cartoon and the riots.

“Although the president understands how many might consider
the mindless inanity of Billy, Dolly and Grandpa to be beyond reproach, but that
is no excuse for torching your city’s newspaper headquarters or publicly
hanging their editors. President Bush reaffirms his dedication to upholding the
first amendment which specifically allows such denigrating images to be
produced and viewed.”

Critics claim the cartoon has a mind-numbing affect on the
millions that read it every morning, and it is demeaning to anyone with half a
brain. Jeremy Higgins, president of Americans for a Strong Society, spoke at the Washington protests-

“Nobody talks or acts like Jeffy or any other character. A
family like that is a myth, and every strip is an insult to real human beings
like us. Look at this one. Jeffy says to the other kids, ‘I heard that out of
the corner of my ear.’ What the fuck? The cartoon’s patent cuteness is beyond
nauseating. We declare a jihad on Family Circus and anyone who supports such
insipid filth!.”

Violence against cartoonists unrelated to the publishing of
Family Circus has officials up in arms. Dik Browne, cartoonist responsible for Hagar the Horrible,
was found bound and gagged in an abandoned warehouse. Marcus Hamilton and Ron
Ferdinand, both the present caretakers of the Dennis the Menace strip are reportedly
missing. Dean Young, cartoonist hired to continue the Blondie comics was beaten senseless with a tire iron before being run over repeatedly with a
Hummer.

Experts like Harvard English professor Charles Thomasen
believe the controversy is not settled.

“Cartoonists who perpetuate idiotic comic strips well beyond their prime just to make a buck will
continue to be hunted down and killed. There will be riots, and more innocent
people will die. It’s really the fault of the artist. Keane should have retired
Family Circus years ago; instead he insists on demeaning the American public
daily.”

Sources say Keane is considering going into hiding due to the Fatwa put
on his head, similar to the one put on Salman Rushdie in 1989. “We’re hot on
his trail, the bastard,” said a protestor. “We’ll just follow that dotted trail
he leaves wherever he goes!”