Ca. – Continuing a disturbing trend of bigotry among young children, 10 year
old Brandon Amhrein was suspended from attending class for two weeks after
exhibiting extreme lactose intolerance in the school cafeteria.

The confrontation occurred last Tuesday when Maggie, the
cafeteria lady, attempted to give Brandon a carton of chocolate milk with his school lunch. Brandon
refused to take the milk, insisting on a juice alternative. Maggie recalled, “I
asked him what he had against
milk, and he told me outright that he was lactose intolerant. Heavens to Betsy,
I couldn’t believe it. To be so openly intolerant in this day and age? I was
shocked to say the least!”

Mariposa Elementary Principal Scott Samson was unapologetic
about the incident. “I’m appalled by Brandon,
frankly. This is a disturbing trend in our children. We have been given strict
standards to promote open-mindedness and diversity in the student body. Milk
prejudice is absolutely unacceptable. We have zero tolerance for intolerance
around here.”

Although the San Juan school district has launched a full investigation into the episode, initial
sentiment from the community seems to support Principal Samson’s actions. Both
the teacher’s union and the PTA have come out in support of Brandon’s
suspension, citing tolerance codes as incontestable.

The ACLU has issued a press release condemning the
suspension, claiming the child’s lactose intolerance is protected in ways similar
to the rights of KKK members to march in parades. “No matter how despicable Brandon’s
lactose intolerant views may be, those appalling views are nevertheless
protected under the first amendment of the Constitution.”

When asked for comment, Brandon simply answered, “I don’t know what the big deal is. I wish I could be more
tolerant of the lactose, but milk makes me fart and
gives me the runs.”

NEWARK, New Jersey – Having received an F in remedial geometry during his high school years,
thirty-five year old resident Derek Van Horn has found it nearly impossible to
keep his present love-triangle between Stacy Stengel and Trudy
Martinez straight.

“Right now, I don’t know who’s dating who. I’ve tried to solve the equation, but it’s so complicated,”
said Derek. “Stacy and I dated for four months, but I slept with Trudy a couple
of times three years ago. After Trudy and I hooked up again and Stacy found
out, we broke up. This is where it gets hazy because I think Trudy developed
feelings for Stacy while I fell in love with Trudy and Stacy still was into me
and let me cheat on Trudy by sleeping with her. Does that make me the altitude
through Trudy’s vertex perpendicular to Stacy… goddamn, this is complicated!”

According to the American Mathematical Association, Derek’s
inability to keep track of the relatively straightforward trilateral personal
connections between the two women has been traced to his habit of ditching
third period geometry class in the ninth grade. Creating a graph diagram as his
math teacher Mr. Berkowitz suggested in one of the few classes he did attend in
1986 didn’t help. “I even got out my old protractor from the attic. I got so mad
that I couldn’t find the answer, I accidentally stabbed myself in the nipple.”

In mapping the triangle to delineate a solution, Derek has had
difficulty discerning whether his particular love triangle is isosceles,
equilateral or acute. “I’m thinking acute, because Stacy and Trudy are both
friggin’ hot.” He admits his chances of solving the love-triangle are
complicated by the addition of Trina, the sexy receptionist at his office, who
may enter the fray and cause a love-trapezoid. “Plus I’ve realized that my long
time fantasy involving the Dallas Cowboys is impossible unless I master the calculations
necessary for a love-rhombic dodecahedron. Why didn’t I go to class? Fuck!”

TERRE HAUTE, Ind.– What began as an innocent foray into a classic children’s game of Twister
quickly transformed into a massive, uncontrollable acceleration of puberty for
several Terre Haute youths. Fifteen
year olds Bobby Hacket, Gerald McFarlane and Jamie Sinclair experienced a
complex sequence of hormonal changes which increased with each flick of the
spinner and placement of limbs on the Twister mat.

The proximity of the adolescents’ crotch regions became an issue as the Twister game continued and a greater tangling of limbs
and torsos ensued. After rubbing up against Gerald’s leg, Jamie felt the hormonal
changes almost instantaneously. The amplitude of her LH pulses increased, and
her ovaries began producing testosterone. As the boy’s hands trailed around her
hip bone in a movement they claimed was to find a red dot, Jamie’s granulose
cells were immediately engorged with estrodial, the major benefactor of uterus
and breast growth as well as increases in vaginal mucosa.

The next spin of the Twister board engulfed the trio in
compromising positions which led to more inadvertent contact amongst their
increasingly sweaty, platonic bodies. “It was, like, totally weird,” said
Jamie. “Gerald and Bobby are cute, but I swear I was just trying to get my leg
over to the green dot. I didn’t mean to brush against Gerald’s, you know,

As soon as Gerald realized Jamie had “accidentally” nestled against his
pubic region, his body quickly heightened the Leydig cells in his testes to
increase testosterone and blood levels, and promptly amplified his androgen
receptors’ mediation of dihydrotestosterone. As Gerald settled into a position
which forcefully jammed Jamie’s budding left breast into his chin, his estrodial
count augmented and began the closure of his epiphyses.

“It was a strange feeling, my heart was pounding. We were
all twisted up, and when they yelled out left hand yellow, I just like reached
for the dot that would get me as close to Jamie’s butt as possible. Jamie’s
cute, and I’d never been so close to a girl’s ass before,” confessed Bobby
while scratching a newly formed pimple on the tip of his nose. 

There is no consensus as to how extensive the effects the
game of Twister may have had on the teenagers’ development into adulthood. But
experts agree that had they decided to play Connect Four or Uno instead,
advancement of the hormonal systems leading to development of reproductive
organs and maturation might have been delayed up to four or five months.

Some speculate that if Jamie hadn’t slipped under the weight
of the two boys and ended the game, a spin of right foot blue or right hand green may have introduced her to the need for birth control, and Bobby and
Gerald to the fact that their sexual preferences were far from settled.

In a rare joint session of Congress, a new law was passed
late Thursday making it a federal crime to speak any language besides English
on American soil, causing immediate deportation of millions of naturally born
white Americans. As the end of Thursday’s session quickly approached, the
Republican controlled Congress put finishing touches on the Patriot Language
which makes English the official language of the United State under penalty of law.

Under the directive, the INS now has the power to deport any
person in America caught using a language not resembling proper English to a
detention center in Guantanamo. The
IPA, the APA, and the editors of Webster’s Dictionary have all agreed to advise
the INS in this potentially monumental endeavor.

In addition to the expected roundup of Taco Bell drive-thru
attendants, the Act has already had several unintended effects. Most notably is
the upcoming deportation of the nation’s entire teen population. Millions of American ages 13-18 are scheduled to be rounded up and shipped to Cuba over the coming months as a result of not being able to put together a normal, grammatically correct sentence in English.The outcry may inspire protests even larger than the
immigration marches of the past few weeks.

“Like, that is sooooo wrong, oh my gawd. They’re, like
taking us to Cuba?
I’m totally not going to Mexico,
fer sure. I mean, like do they even have, like, a Gap there and stuff? As if.
Don’t even go there. Pshaw,” said 15 year old Britney Mayfield of Beverly Hills

Another unintentional side affect of the new legislation was
the complete decimation of the entire rap industry.  INS officials have already taken into custody
some of the more pernicious non-English speaking offenders, including Snoop
Dogg, 50 Cent, Ludacris and Juvenile. As a result, MTV has suspended all
tapings of Total Request Live.

Said INS Commissioner James Ziglar, “Rounding up all the
non-English speaking rappers and hippity-hop artists was extremely simple. We
knew where they were, since 59% of all known rappers are already in prison."

Experts speculate that the next group of non-English speakers
to be targeted for deportation by the INS may be the more egregious offenders
of the internet community. “If you have ever instant messaged somebody with indecipherable
hieroglyphics of any sort, you will be taken into custody,” said Ziglar. “Who’s

Critics of the ‘English Only’ law see it as a rash response
to the recent immigration debate. “It’s obviously a ploy by Republican
lawmakers to appeal to their base,” said ACLU spokesman John Bernard. “Being a
patriotic American is not predicated on whether or not you end a sentence with
a preposition or leave participles dangling all the time.”

Said one angry detainee after being confined to an INS cell
for deportation, “Awwwwww, hell no. This ain’t right, yo. Naw, fo sho. Theyz
all up in my bidness when day be comin’ up in my crib and take me and my
shortie for a ride. We are izzal mad, dawg, gettin’ yo ass thrown outta
da stizzates fo mutilatin’ da language n’ shit. Naw, I ain’t havin’ dat, ya know what I’m sayin’? Fo real.

Sponsor of the bill, Congressman James Sensenbrenner of Wisconsin, was unrepentant
for what he called “a boon for the real Americans. Some whiners may say that
rounding up and deporting everyone who doesn’t speak English is too drastic.
But that’s pre-9/11 thinking. These people cannot be tolerated any longer. If you
live in America
you had better speak English. Capisce?” 

After signing the legislation into law, President Bush
declared, “Our nation’s long nightmare is finally over. At long last we have
one, single national language that can unite us from sea to shining sea. So now
when I ask the question ‘is our children learning?’ Americans can be confident
that the answer is ‘Yes. Yes they is.’” CNN reports that they acquired tape
showing that immediately after his speech, Bush was apprehended by INS
officials for questioning.

In his second year of being home schooled, twelve
year old Matthew Hutchings has become bewildered by his parents, who in
addition to teaching him geography and chemistry, have also taken turns relentlessly
taunting and bullying him. “I don’t get it. Dad gives me money for lunch, then
when I go out to the backyard he pushes me around and demands I give the money
to him or he’ll punch me,” said a confused Matthew.

Between lectures on Pythagoras and discussions about early
American history, Mr. and Mrs. Hutchings have implemented techniques they claim
replicate the normal interaction their son would be having at school with
bullies his age. They cited studies showing the degeneration of quality in
public schools as reason to take over their child’s education as well as his bullying
needs. Matthew has proven to be a bit bemused, and it has taken some getting used to. “Dad gave me a Wet-Willy and Mom
called me a Four-Eyed Fag. But she bought me those glasses.”

“Matthew’s resisting a bit, but we know what we’re doing,”
said Mrs. Hutchings. “We want to give our child a well-rounded, comprehensive
educational experience. That means not only covering the broad spectrum of reading, writing,
and arithmetic, but it also means giving him daily wedgies and de-pantsing him constantly
during gym class. Otherwise, we’re not doing our job.”

An unapologetic Mrs. Hutchings then finished giving Matthew
his Swirlie by jamming his head back into the toilet and violently flushing.
“Who’s your daddy, huh? Who’s your daddy now, bitch! Now go finish your essay
on Vasco De Gama, sweetiepie.”

Feldman, a local candy store clerk was not sure if he had scored a threesome
yesterday after making out with siamese twins he met at a circus sideshow
connected to a traveling carnival in the local JC Penney parking lot.

“It was cool man,” said a stoned Feldman. “I had just
scarfed down some righteous cotton candy, and these two gorgeous chicks came up
to me and started talking. I just thought it was an illusion like the funhouse
mirrors down the path, you know?”

Bernice and Jessica. Both 26, are considered Omphalopagus
twins conjoined at the lower chest. They have travelled with the Farnum &
Spitz Circus Side Show Spectacular for almost 9 years.

Bernice refused to
comment, but Jessica admitted it might have been a mistake. “He looked kind of
cute, but it was really dark behind the Ferris Wheel. Bernie’s such a slut, I
don’t know why I let her drag me into these awkward situations.”

Feldman still hasn’t decided if it was ‘officially’ a
threesome. Supporting evidence includes the twins’ two heads and separate heart
regions. Nonbearing evidence includes the fact that the twins share several
limbs and a digestive system.

This was not the only quagmire that Feldman found himself in.
Other similar imponderable dilemmas from the same night included how much pot he
could actually smoke without impairing his judgment, and whether or not making
out with the bearded lady made him gay.