(UNASSOCIATED PRESS) WASHINGTON D.C. – During a recent statement to foreign
dignitaries, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced that the August
2006 release of Keven Federline’s album Playing with Fire would be considered an
outright “Declaration of War.” That the album will surely bomb combined with
the fact that the bomb will drop later this year has all but destroyed the
possibility of diplomatic discussions with Iran.

“Such unprovoked aggression by the United States would be completely unacceptable,”
declared Ahmadinejad from the steps of Ayatolla Khomeini’s tomb. “The Great
Satan must not let an untalented, mediocre hanger-on to jeopardize our livelihood. If the Federline unleashes his pollutants on us, we will be required to retaliate
with the Iron Fist of Allah’s Will.”

The recent development has threatened tentative talks amongst
the United States,
the European Union and Iran.
At stake is Iran’s
continued insistence on pursuing uranium enrichment, claiming it to be for use
as fuel in civilian nuclear power plants. The United States and other western countries fear it will be used to create nuclear
weapons which may be used against them. 

The talks have been on shaky ground for weeks, and many
insiders consider Federline’s album to be the straw that may break the camel’s
back. “Although the album is certain to be a big steaming pile crap, that it has
become the centerpiece of a mounting international crisis is quite unexpected,”
said an executive at a major music label.

Also at stake is the burgeoning career of Britney Spears’
husband. Despite the fact that it isn’t due to be released until later this
year, Kevin Federline’s upcoming album and its tracks have already garnered
ample negative publicity and mockery. Petey Pablo, the guest artist rumored to
appear on the album, has already fled the country to an undisclosed location to
wait out the attacks.


Ahmadinejad is not the only Iranian demanding a stop to
Federline’s musical career. Many Islamic critics have renounced the album’s
release as mean-spirited antagonism at a time when moderation is the key. In a
sense, with Playing with Fire, Federline is literally playing with fire.

“I don’t know what da big deal is, yo. I just wanna kick out
the dope ass rhymes and rhythmic flava fo da masses,” said a remarkably white
Federline while rubbing his nipple through the soiled wife-beater adorning his
torso. “What’s Tehran got against a
nice beat that’ll get the ladies a wigglin’ they booties on the dance floor? We
gotta get dose sweet ho’s outta dose burkhas somehows, yaknowhati’msayin’?”

Negotiations with Iran have been temporarily postponed as the focus of the UN Security Council has
turned to opening a dialogue with Federline’s agent. “If he releases the album,
the people of Iran will surely see it as an official act of war by the U.S. That damn wigger always fuckin’ things up,
with his gold diggin’ ass,” said European Union foreign policy chief Javier
Solana.

 

Old_guy
HOLLYWOOD, Ca. – Having waited since August of 1932 to become a world renowned film actor, ninety-three year old Bernard
Bixby has come to the conclusion that he’s finally ready for his big break.  “I’ve waited 75 years for this. Put in my
dues. Took the classes. Sat on the casting couch. Auditioned like hell and kissed
ass. It’s time for ol’ Bernie to be a star!” said Bixby while waiting at line
for soup at the New Life Men’s Shelter in Orange County.

Bixby came close to stardom several times in his erratic
career. “I met Marilyn Monroe once when I was a janitor on the set of Niagara in 53’. And I almost got the voiceover gig for Mr. Ed back in 61’. No really,
came thiiiiis close, but I hear George Burns stepped in and lobbied for Allan Lane to do the damn horse’s voice instead of me. The colossal prick.”

Thirty four homeless years later, Bixby briefly enjoyed a $200 paycheck from a stint
as a corpse on Homicide: Life on the Street in January of 1995. However, the wealth and
fame from that performance quickly dried. Producers and casting directers were reluctant to cast him again as a result of complaints from the Homicide set that he smelled of bourbon and pee. By February the money had dried up and Bixby was
back to living his dream of acting through sleeping in boxes while eating the
rancid refuse from the dumpsters behind Spago’s.

“I’m gonna make it big in this town, just you watch,” said Bixby
while wiggling one of his last remaining front teeth. "It’s never too late. I may be older than dirt, but I tells ya, Bernie Bixby’s name’s
gonna be on the Marquee! All the way to the top! I’m gonna be a STAR! Hey, buddy you got a buck?”

OMAHA, Neb. – After finding his old 8-bit Nintendo console in the attic and popping in the game cartridge for Contra, thirty year old Sean Sandhu quickly realized he had forgotten the special code necessary to get 99 lives. A beloved video game title throughout the 80’s decade, Contra was legendary for being an extremely difficult if not an impossible game to finish without the secret code that the game’s programmers had surreptitiously added to the start screen.


“You only get 3 lives and you’re supposed to get through level after level of machine-gun wielding bad guys and helicopters with heavy artillery. Fat chance.” Sandhu recalled fond memories of lazy childhood afternoons listening to Men at Work while blasting away through the many levels of Contra without fear of receiving the Game Over screen. Although impossible to verify, Sandhu claimed that with the code he could finish the entire game in just under an hour. “Without that code, I am nothing. Nothing, I tell you!"



Predating the internet, the coveted Contra code was passed by simple word of mouth. Sandhu received the cherished insider information from 10 year old neighborhood gadfly Matthew White in 1988. White moved out of the suburban Omaha neighborhood in 1989 and was unavailable for comment. “God dammnit all to hell, I can’t remember it,” said Sandhu, struggling with the Nintendo game paddle. “Up, Up, Down, Right, Left, A, B….No. Uhhhh…Down, Up, A, Up, Left, Right, Select…Shit. I’m close, I can feel it. Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Left, Right, B, A…Shit, Fuck, Fuck!

Jon_1 STOCKTON, Ca. – Edward McFarlane, a twenty-three year old Conoco gas station attendant, has found himself at a life-changing crossroads, having to quickly decide whether or not to add Hollywood actor Jamie Kennedy as a friend on MySpace.com. After surfing through several dozen MySpace profiles of hot bikini-clad women, McFarlane saw the link for Jamie Kennedy in the friends section of Jenna Jameson’s site. He quickly surmised that being friends with Kennedy, star of Malibu’s Most Wanted, would be a seminal turning point in his life.

Jamiekennedy_headshot Although McFarlane is confident in his own qualities as a friend, he isn’t so certain about Kennedy’s qualifications or loyalty. “It’s a big commitment on my part, and an incredibly difficult decision. Do I really want to add Jamie as a friend? Will he be there for me like a true friend? Will he provide a shoulder to cry on in times of trouble? Spend late nights on the phone talking about a breakup? Is he going to help me with my boxes when I move to Oakwood Apartments next week? Or is he going to find an excuse like all my other deadbeat ‘friends’. Jerks.”

Jamie_kennedy_myspace Indeed, being challenged with this incomprehensibly monumental choice has forced McFarlane to question the entire fabric of his existence. It has made him question the very nature of friendship in these complicated times. Being from completely different worlds, he is uncertain about whether Kennedy will accept him for who he truly is. “I want to believe Jamie will live up to his side of the bargain. As Nietzsche said, ‘What else is love but understanding and rejoicing in the fact that another person lives, acts, and experiences otherwise than we do?’" said McFarlane as he typed in the random letters and numbers in the verification section. “Now we’re forever bonded together. I’ll be there for you, Jamie. Don’t let me down. It’s too important.”

LOS ANGELES, Calif. – Heralded as a triumph for handicapped people across the world, tone deaf
performers who can’t sing or play musical instruments have found unparalleled
success in the music industry airwaves. According to community activists, a
major cultural shift in the public’s views over the last two decades has opened
doors for intolerably tone deaf performers to succeed musically.


“Beyond a doubt, it’s one of the most inspiring stories. These
artists have come to symbolize strength over adversity and the will to succeed
despite being terrible at what they do. It’s amazing what they’ve accomplished
in the face of honest to God musical incompetency,” said Dominic Stevinson,
national spokesman for the Special Olympics. “What sweet little troopers. I mean, not one of them can hold a tune if their life depended on it. Not even Jingle Bells. Slurred speech, mumbling, poor English. They’re proof that you don’t have to have an ounce of skill in your field to find success. Truly a shining
example for future generations of handicapped people.”

Trends indicate that the success of aspiring musical
performers no longer hinges on attributes like talent, musical ability, understanding
of music theory or even melodic knowledge. Regional director of the Lowenstein
Music Foundation, Wan Hitomi, agrees. “With the ascendancy of technology like
sequencers, samplers and pitch machines, we can make the howls of a diseased
kitten sound like Pavarotti. You don’t have to be able to play the piano or saxophone. Some 8 year old with a laptop can out-diddy P-Diddy.”

A recent Gallup poll also shed some light on the loosening attitudes of the public towards musical
artists. When asked what was most important in choosing musicians to listen to,
only 9% of respondents said ‘musical talent’. Conversely, 12% indicated ‘cleavage’, and 73% responded with ‘amount of bling in they grill’.

“The glass ceiling has finally been shattered,” said BMG publicist
Julia Blackwell while wiping tears from her eyes. “The legacy of dreadfully unskilled,
tone deaf visionaries like Tone Loc and Biz Markie has finally come to fruition
in our generation. It’s truly a blessing to know the music industry is no
longer prejudiced against people just because they aren’t good at, you know, the
music part. Everyone gets a shot.”

This achievement has not gone unheralded in other fields.
The huge strides handicapped music performers have accomplished has given hope
to other groups striving to succeed in fields where they’re highly unqualified.
A growing number of eunuchs have lobbied to join the porn industry. Also included
in the growing list of those inspired to overcome adversity are grossly overweight ballet performers, narcoleptic sky dive instructors
and Keanu Reeves.

“In a world of uncertainty, it’s heartwarming to know that it doesn’t matter that I stink to high heaven at what I do. Not important. We can all find solace in the fact
that the world will still let us succeed at something we totally suck at,” said Stevinson.

 

Green_man_group

SKOKIE, Ill.
– Local color blind entertainer Barry Gruden thoroughly ruined his one chance
to join the Blue Man Group after accidentally painting himself green for the
audition. Gruden, an avid fan and self-proclaimed "Blue Man Fanatic", was
extremely excited to discover the performance group was holding Chicago auditions.

After meticulously planning his piece, Gruden rushed out the door to make the 25
mile trip to the audition site. “Barry’s a little forgetful about his color
blindness. He didn’t check with me before he left,” said wife Martha.

“I wanted to impress them so much they’d offer me a
contract, but I really fucked up,” said a flustered Gruden after the audition. “They
were all behind a table painted in blue as usual. But halfway through my
routine they broke with their characteristic unblinking stare and started
cracking up uncontrollably.”

“It was fucking
hilarious. The idiot was in full green makeup. He looked like Kermit the Frog’s
lovechild,” said one of the Blue Men. “We’re professionals, sure. But showing
up to an audition like that is priceless. What a dimwit.” Gruden had a similar
problem last Halloween, when he dressed his 5 year old son Troy as a Lavender Smurf, leading to an entire night of wedgies and mockery from the neighborhood children.

 

TOPEKA Kan. –

When siblings Martha, Stewart  and Jamie Johansen started a
game of Monopoly on March 12, 1959,
they had no idea they would be forced to continually play the same game until
precisely 47 years later. “I started out by getting both Boardwalk and Park Place,” said a bald and haggard Jamie. “I thought
for sure I’d win like usual and it would be quick and painless for the other two.”

But as that cool, crisp night in 1959 progressed, Martha was
able to secure the orange New York
and purple St. Charles monopolies on
the far side of the board, as well as control of the major railroads. Stewart
also successfully developed monopolies on the yellow Marvin Gardens and green Pacific Avenue collections. After John shored up
his holdings with the utilities and several of the smaller monopolies, the game
progressed in a continual stalemate for 47 painfully monotonous years.

The game, which was played every available weeknight for
four decades, often lasted well through the night and into the wee hours of the morning. “We’re
all super competitive,” admitted Martha, “I don’t think any of us wanted to give up. I
could have gotten married, had a family, raised children. I just couldn’t bare
the thought of losing again to my brothers.” A geriatric Stewart agreed. “I
gave up a college football scholarship and endured 4 failed marriages because of
this goddamn game. But I just couldn’t bear to lose to those two.”

The game finally ended when, after going directly to jail
8,964 times, passing Go and collecting $200 exactly 59,673 times, and alternately paying
rent on houses a collective 42,399 times, Jamie and Martha were finally bankrupted after
landing on Stewart’s Pennsylvania Avenue hotels one too many times. An excited Stewart jumped up in a final moment of glee,
immediately slumped into his Lazy-Boy chair and instantly died.