In a move designed to help recover dwindling attendance
after recent controversies, the Episcopalian Church has decided to introduce Casual Good Fridays to increase attendance. Good Friday, a remembrance of the
crucifixion of Jesus Christ at Cavalry, has been seen by many as a
disheartening event due to its dire subject matter. By encouraging casual
clothing and informal attire, the Church hopes to spice up the event and add
some excitement to an otherwise drab affair.

“Good Friday is such an ironic name. I mean, it’s the day we
commemorate our Lord and Savior getting nailed alive to a giant cross and left
to bleed to death. It’s so depressing. Hopefully this will spice up the
festivities a bit. With a more casual halter top or just the right jean skirt,
we can give Christ’s brutal and bloody slaying a feeling of a celebration,” said Bishop
Katharine Schori. Schori added that she plans to take off that "dumbass white strap" and give the Good Friday sermon
wearing a ruby red stretch silk charmeuse top with relaxed cropped cargo pants.

Traditionally, Episcopalian congregations’ fashion taste for
Good Friday services range from dismal, gloomy suits for men to conservative,
bland dresses for the women. This year anticipation for Good Friday is swelling
exponentially due to the fact that church members are free to wear sexy cami
and shrug tops, print t-shirts, tight fitting denim jeans, miniskirts, muscle
shirts, baggy pants, strapless cocktail dresses and babydoll corsets.

“I never look forward to these services,” declared 42 year
old Frank Berardi. “I hate wearing the acceptable attire. Makes me look like a
mortician. I’m really excited this year for Good Friday, because I’m gonna wear
my favorite bright pink and yellow Hawaiian shirt with the sexy Bermuda shorts
my wife picked up for me in Cabo. Sweet!” 

Other additions to existing Good Friday fashion traditions have
been embraced and others have caused skepticism among fashion and Christian
ranks alike. Although the red carpet outside every church foyer has been widely
accepted, some have complained that the flashing photographers are distracting and
have already been dubbed the Pope-arazzi. “Despite some cynicism from the
public, this is truly exciting. I hear some of our Good Friday churchgoers may
even make Mr. Blackwell’s list this year!” said Schori.

Some parishioners are concerned that a few may take the
Casual Good Friday invitation too far. Church leaders are pleading with members
to avoid taking the casual too far. “We want you to be as comfortable as
possible in the pews while celebrating the murder of Jesus by the Jews. But you
cannot praise the Lord in a thong bikini or Speedo,” scolded Schori. "The pews are not built for that and you will chafe. Now please open to Hymn 542, I’m Too Sexy."

Kid_divorce_1
PHILADELPHIA, Pa. – Fresh from a bitter divorce between parents Tom and Ashley Severenson, twelve year old Scotty, their only child, anticipates a “buttload” more gifts and presents on special holidays. “I’m so excited! Now that mom and dad are splitsville, that means I’ll get twice as many presents on the holidays. And better gifts too! They’ll be desperate to win my affection, so I’ll be able to play them off each other for the coolest, baddest toys on the market. Freakin’ sweet!” said a smirking Scotty.

Divorced_parents
Scotty’s plans include subtle manipulation of both parents in hopes of acquiring more cool gadgets and electrifying toys than any other kid in his demographic. “Before the divorce, mom was always buying me ‘practical’ gifts like socks and jackets and other dumbass crap. Now she’s going to have to use up those alimony payments and max out that Platinum Visa just to keep up with dad."

Although his mother Ashley had received full custody due to his father’s drinking habit, Scotty didn’t seem too interested in the lack of a full time father figure in his life, as he would be receiving all kinds of unbelievable stuff he wouldn’t have received otherwise. Since this upcoming December will be the first Christmas since the breakup, Scotty says he is angling to get an Xbox 360 from his father and a Playstation 3 from his mother. “Last year, I’d have been lucky to get a new cartridge for that dusty ol’ Nintendo 64. Now I’m gonna be the most popular kid on the block. Mom and dad breaking up is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, ever. Divorce rocks!”

OMAHA, Neb. – After finding his old 8-bit Nintendo console in the attic and popping in the game cartridge for Contra, thirty year old Sean Sandhu quickly realized he had forgotten the special code necessary to get 99 lives. A beloved video game title throughout the 80’s decade, Contra was legendary for being an extremely difficult if not an impossible game to finish without the secret code that the game’s programmers had surreptitiously added to the start screen.


“You only get 3 lives and you’re supposed to get through level after level of machine-gun wielding bad guys and helicopters with heavy artillery. Fat chance.” Sandhu recalled fond memories of lazy childhood afternoons listening to Men at Work while blasting away through the many levels of Contra without fear of receiving the Game Over screen. Although impossible to verify, Sandhu claimed that with the code he could finish the entire game in just under an hour. “Without that code, I am nothing. Nothing, I tell you!"



Predating the internet, the coveted Contra code was passed by simple word of mouth. Sandhu received the cherished insider information from 10 year old neighborhood gadfly Matthew White in 1988. White moved out of the suburban Omaha neighborhood in 1989 and was unavailable for comment. “God dammnit all to hell, I can’t remember it,” said Sandhu, struggling with the Nintendo game paddle. “Up, Up, Down, Right, Left, A, B….No. Uhhhh…Down, Up, A, Up, Left, Right, Select…Shit. I’m close, I can feel it. Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Left, Right, B, A…Shit, Fuck, Fuck!

GAINESVILLE, Florida – Eight year old Christopher Schroeder
celebrated with his neighborhood friend Joshua after launching his razor
scooter off a homemade ramp and soaring over 2 feet into the air. The successful
launch was accomplished after a long afternoon that included numerous failed attempts. One jump ended in a skinned knee,
and another hilarious attempt involved the crushing of Christopher’s testicles.

The boys’ makeshift ramp was created with a recycle bin from Christopher’s driveway
and two pieces of old plywood found in Joshua’s backyard. After a few crashes,
the boys were forced to make several adjustments to the contraption, including the angle of the
ramp boards and the length needed to gain enough momentum to launch the
scooter.

“Sweet!” exclaimed Joshua, as Christopher soared majestically above
the ground before plummeting face-first into Mrs. Hubbard’s prize winning begonias. “That was the best one ever!” The elation of this truly momentous occasion lasted over 7 minutes, only to be forgotten when Christopher’s mother called them
inside for Sunny Delight and Rice Krispie treats.

 

Playing_twister_activity_4
TERRE HAUTE, Ind.– What began as an innocent foray into a classic children’s game of Twister
quickly transformed into a massive, uncontrollable acceleration of puberty for
several Terre Haute youths. Fifteen
year olds Bobby Hacket, Gerald McFarlane and Jamie Sinclair experienced a
complex sequence of hormonal changes which increased with each flick of the
spinner and placement of limbs on the Twister mat.

The proximity of the adolescents’ crotch regions became an issue as the Twister game continued and a greater tangling of limbs
and torsos ensued. After rubbing up against Gerald’s leg, Jamie felt the hormonal
changes almost instantaneously. The amplitude of her LH pulses increased, and
her ovaries began producing testosterone. As the boy’s hands trailed around her
hip bone in a movement they claimed was to find a red dot, Jamie’s granulose
cells were immediately engorged with estrodial, the major benefactor of uterus
and breast growth as well as increases in vaginal mucosa.


The next spin of the Twister board engulfed the trio in
compromising positions which led to more inadvertent contact amongst their
increasingly sweaty, platonic bodies. “It was, like, totally weird,” said
Jamie. “Gerald and Bobby are cute, but I swear I was just trying to get my leg
over to the green dot. I didn’t mean to brush against Gerald’s, you know,
stuff.”

As soon as Gerald realized Jamie had “accidentally” nestled against his
pubic region, his body quickly heightened the Leydig cells in his testes to
increase testosterone and blood levels, and promptly amplified his androgen
receptors’ mediation of dihydrotestosterone. As Gerald settled into a position
which forcefully jammed Jamie’s budding left breast into his chin, his estrodial
count augmented and began the closure of his epiphyses.

“It was a strange feeling, my heart was pounding. We were
all twisted up, and when they yelled out left hand yellow, I just like reached
for the dot that would get me as close to Jamie’s butt as possible. Jamie’s
cute, and I’d never been so close to a girl’s ass before,” confessed Bobby
while scratching a newly formed pimple on the tip of his nose. 


There is no consensus as to how extensive the effects the
game of Twister may have had on the teenagers’ development into adulthood. But
experts agree that had they decided to play Connect Four or Uno instead,
advancement of the hormonal systems leading to development of reproductive
organs and maturation might have been delayed up to four or five months.

Some speculate that if Jamie hadn’t slipped under the weight
of the two boys and ended the game, a spin of right foot blue or right hand green may have introduced her to the need for birth control, and Bobby and
Gerald to the fact that their sexual preferences were far from settled.

WASHINGTON D.C. – In a hastily announced press conference early Monday afternoon, Rep. Troy
Carlsbad (R, Delaware) resigned amid a swirl of scandal and controversy to spend
time with some other family besides his own.

“I think it’s best for all involved if I spend time with a
different family, because like the rest of America, my own family seems to
think I’m a filthy, revolting slime-ball from hell,” said a glib Carlsbad while
standing next to the random Chinese family he plans to stay with indefinitely.


“Mr. and Mrs. Wong, little Chyou and Shing, and all the rest
of the Wong family, without your tireless support it would have been impossible
to make it through this tough ordeal. I hope to spend many months with you,
sleeping on your couch, eating your mushu, and laughing at your silly accents
until my own family decides to talk to me again,” said Carlsbad.

The Wongs nodded aggressively in agreement. "We rike Tloy velly velly much," said Mr. Wong. "He can stay with us untir the cows come home."

Carlsbad has
been plagued since early 2004 with a myriad of charges and allegations. Included
are several ethics investigations, accusations of fraud and embezzlement,
criminal indictments for blackmail and racketeering, drug stings, using taxpayer
funds to buy booze and hookers, controversial statements about “blackies”
caught on tape and involvement in lurid affairs with both female and male
staffers.

At the press conference, Carlsbad pleaded with his constituents to keep the faith. “My political enemies are
trying to destroy me. These allegations are baseless. All 179 of them.” The
vast litany of scandals that have overwhelmed Carlsbad has made it nearly impossible to retain a firm grasp of his voting base, and
his resignation is seen in political circles as a culmination of years of unapologetic bastardry and douche baggery.


Teresa, Carlsbad’s
third wife, was glad to see him finally go. “He’s not spending time with his
real family, that’s for sure. We don’t want anything to do with the lying,
cheating, infantile bum. Dragging our good name through the mud like that,
claiming he’s being framed by political foes, it’s unforgivable. I’m gonna take
him for all he’s worth in the divorce, and the kids too. I hope he rots in
hell.”

“We’ll patch things up,” said Carlsbad.
“It’s just a minor bump in the road.”

Ongoing legal travails and an almost certain divorce
guarantee crushing debt for the once wealthy Congressman. And yet Carlsbad didn’t seem too worried at the press conference, confident in the idea that
spending time with some other family will cure what ails him. He informed the
Wongs he plans to stay with them until the shame, disgrace, embarrassment,
indignity and humiliation pass, or he is offered a position as a commentator on
Fox News. “Whichever comes first,” added Carlsbad.

NEW JERSEY –
In his second year of being home schooled, twelve
year old Matthew Hutchings has become bewildered by his parents, who in
addition to teaching him geography and chemistry, have also taken turns relentlessly
taunting and bullying him. “I don’t get it. Dad gives me money for lunch, then
when I go out to the backyard he pushes me around and demands I give the money
to him or he’ll punch me,” said a confused Matthew.

Between lectures on Pythagoras and discussions about early
American history, Mr. and Mrs. Hutchings have implemented techniques they claim
replicate the normal interaction their son would be having at school with
bullies his age. They cited studies showing the degeneration of quality in
public schools as reason to take over their child’s education as well as his bullying
needs. Matthew has proven to be a bit bemused, and it has taken some getting used to. “Dad gave me a Wet-Willy and Mom
called me a Four-Eyed Fag. But she bought me those glasses.”


“Matthew’s resisting a bit, but we know what we’re doing,”
said Mrs. Hutchings. “We want to give our child a well-rounded, comprehensive
educational experience. That means not only covering the broad spectrum of reading, writing,
and arithmetic, but it also means giving him daily wedgies and de-pantsing him constantly
during gym class. Otherwise, we’re not doing our job.”

An unapologetic Mrs. Hutchings then finished giving Matthew
his Swirlie by jamming his head back into the toilet and violently flushing.
“Who’s your daddy, huh? Who’s your daddy now, bitch! Now go finish your essay
on Vasco De Gama, sweetiepie.”

AURORA, Ill. – When 45 year old Thomas Trevino tried to describe his ex-wife
Debbie as “a broken record”, his 13 year old daughter Becky only looked at him
bewildered, having no idea what the hell he was talking about. “Dad said mom
was, like, a record or something. What, like in sports? Mom’s breaking a record
like in basketball or something?”

Trying to illustrate how the details of the
now outdated circular medium for listening to recorded music, Trevino resorted
to wild gestures and frantic gesticulations which only further frustrated his
already annoyed daughter. “No, see a record was round and it was like a cd only
a lot bigger. To listen to the music you put a needle down on it and if it got
scratched or lint got on it sometimes it would get stuck and repeat the same
section over and over…” wailed an exasperated Trevino.

“Whatever. What do
needles have to do with music? I wish he would just shut up. Gawd, I want to go
live with mom,” said Becky with a grimace. Experts believe Trevino might have
had a fighting chance of getting Becky to comprehend if he had described her
mother as “skipping like a poorly transferred mp3”, “looped like a boring
hip-hop track” or was “like watching the same episode of Friends over and
over.”

Polygamy
UTAH – Local polygamist
Graham Stoddard has had enough, and is lobbying the local police force to finally
enforce legislation on the books outlawing his chosen lifestyle. “There is no
justification for my immoral way of life. Plus, every bone in my body is in
constant, searing pain,” opined a visibly haggard Stoddard from a bunker in his
extensive compound 67 miles south-southwest of Salt Lake City. With a total of 12 wives and 72 children, the years of constant polygamy may have finally caught up to the beleaguered and exhausted husband, who is barely able to walk or get out of bed. "This needs to stop. At first I thought this life would be fun and exciting. Now I just want to die. Please, please, please could somebody just come and put me out of my misery?"

 

In a shocking turn of events, Frank and Shirley Englebart
returned from their first night out away from their children in over 8 months
to find the babysitter dead in the living room. The babysitter, pictured on the left, had been a longtime family friend and confidant, helping to raise the Englebart’s three children for over 4 years.

The two parents were enjoying a delicious T-Bone steak and
scrumptious southwest chicken wrap at TGIFriday’s when Shirley insisted on cutting the
night short when she had what she referred to as ‘a bad feeling.’

When the loving parents finally arrive home, they found Grace (9), Jessica (7) and Samantha (6) huddled together
on the living room sofa next to the babysitter’s dead, lifeless carcass. Grace, the oldest sister, seemed to take the loss in stride, understanding the babysitter could be replaced. But Jessica and
Samantha displayed intial signs of traumatization associated with losing a
loved one. They also couldn’t watch their favorite
show Blues Clues as a result of the
tragedy.

“We were all watching A Series of Unfortunate Events with
Jim Carrey because I think he’s really funny. Then like out of nowhere the
babysitter just stopped functioning and died right there in front of us. Like,
bam!” said Grace. At first the children panicked, but cooler heads prevailed
and after a few minutes the three agreed to call the authorities for
assistance.

“Those kids are so brave,” said Sheriff O’Donahue, the first
policeman to the scene of the babysitter’s demise. “I don’t know what I would have done in
the same situation. But they kept their cool and called the local electronics
repairman.” Unfortunately for the Englebarts, the repairman was unable to arrive in time to save the day since his next opening was in July.

Local law enforcement officials are suspecting the
babysitter died of natural causes, although foul play has not been ruled out
entirely. An electrical storm may have caused a power surge, leading to the regrettable
incident, but scratches on the babysitter’s back and small puddles of spilled cherry
kool-aid on the sitter’s extremities have lead detectives to delay ruling
out any of the three children as contributing to the babysitter’s untimely
death.

“Our babysitter has always been so dependable in the past,”
said Mrs. Englebart. Mr. Englebart added, “The sitter always took great care of
the kids and helped free up some time to ourselves once in awhile. We demand
the authorities get to the bottom of this, and soon. Hopefully before the NBA
Playoffs
start.”