In a move designed to help recover dwindling attendance
after recent controversies, the Episcopalian Church has decided to introduce Casual Good Fridays to increase attendance. Good Friday, a remembrance of the
crucifixion of Jesus Christ at Cavalry, has been seen by many as a
disheartening event due to its dire subject matter. By encouraging casual
clothing and informal attire, the Church hopes to spice up the event and add
some excitement to an otherwise drab affair.

“Good Friday is such an ironic name. I mean, it’s the day we
commemorate our Lord and Savior getting nailed alive to a giant cross and left
to bleed to death. It’s so depressing. Hopefully this will spice up the
festivities a bit. With a more casual halter top or just the right jean skirt,
we can give Christ’s brutal and bloody slaying a feeling of a celebration,” said Bishop
Katharine Schori. Schori added that she plans to take off that "dumbass white strap" and give the Good Friday sermon
wearing a ruby red stretch silk charmeuse top with relaxed cropped cargo pants.

Traditionally, Episcopalian congregations’ fashion taste for
Good Friday services range from dismal, gloomy suits for men to conservative,
bland dresses for the women. This year anticipation for Good Friday is swelling
exponentially due to the fact that church members are free to wear sexy cami
and shrug tops, print t-shirts, tight fitting denim jeans, miniskirts, muscle
shirts, baggy pants, strapless cocktail dresses and babydoll corsets.

“I never look forward to these services,” declared 42 year
old Frank Berardi. “I hate wearing the acceptable attire. Makes me look like a
mortician. I’m really excited this year for Good Friday, because I’m gonna wear
my favorite bright pink and yellow Hawaiian shirt with the sexy Bermuda shorts
my wife picked up for me in Cabo. Sweet!” 

Other additions to existing Good Friday fashion traditions have
been embraced and others have caused skepticism among fashion and Christian
ranks alike. Although the red carpet outside every church foyer has been widely
accepted, some have complained that the flashing photographers are distracting and
have already been dubbed the Pope-arazzi. “Despite some cynicism from the
public, this is truly exciting. I hear some of our Good Friday churchgoers may
even make Mr. Blackwell’s list this year!” said Schori.

Some parishioners are concerned that a few may take the
Casual Good Friday invitation too far. Church leaders are pleading with members
to avoid taking the casual too far. “We want you to be as comfortable as
possible in the pews while celebrating the murder of Jesus by the Jews. But you
cannot praise the Lord in a thong bikini or Speedo,” scolded Schori. "The pews are not built for that and you will chafe. Now please open to Hymn 542, I’m Too Sexy."

TUSCON,  Ariz. –
The Surgeon General released a new study revealing that prolonged exposure
to public areas with girls wearing clothes with words on them may lead you to
become a dirty, dirty pervert.

“Check out that fine ass. It says Hottie. She is so damn fine, I’d like to take that and…..Ugghh! That
chick’s like 11 or something. Great, I’m going to hell,” said Ricky, a hot dog
vendor on a local Tuscon street.

He, like many innocent bystanders, have gotten increasingly caught up in the moment, allowing literacy to turn him into a nasty old creep.Although scientists and educators previously thought the promotion
of words on fashion apparel could lead to higher rates of literacy, they have
since come to a consensus that such endorsement could lead onlookers to filthy
and depraved thoughts.

Most egregious of the examples is the Juicy Couture, a label
that emblazons sexy words on the back of its tight, sexy and form-fitting
apparel. “AAaaack!” cried one man at the Springwood Village Mall in downtown
Tuscon, “The words monogrammed on that girl’s pink spandex shorts forced me to
stare at her voluptuous butt for at least 10 seconds longer than I would have
normally. She’s like 12 or 13 for God’s sake! I’m appalled, frankly.”

The Surgeon General urged parents to resist the temptation to
allow their children to dress as whores in training, especially with English
words on the mammary or posterior areas. “You may think you’re promoting literacy,
but you’re really just turning otherwise normal men into a bunch of sleazy old coots.”

Hot_brunetteNEW YORK –
Michelle Stansler’s dream of being recognized for her God
given talent of looking hot while buck naked finally came true after starring
in Blowfinger Productions straight-to-internet video entitled Hot N’Nasty: Flesh
Fest Five
.

“I just knew that the Lord had blessed me with unparalleled abilities
unlike anyone else. It was just a matter of finding the right forum to display
to the world my distinct and exceptional talents.”

With no singing, dancing or athletic ability whatsoever and
a near-retarded IQ of 94, Michelle seemed fated for a life of mediocrity and anonymity. Her
only hope seemed to find a strong, wealthy man to take care of her and save her
from what certainly would be an unimpressive and tiresome life doomed to be
forgotten in the dust bin of memory.

But quite by accident, Michelle discovered her stunning ability to be naked, when last November a strong gust
of wind blew up her skirt near a local construction site causing the workers to
whistle and gawk. “I had no idea I had an aptitude for exposing my voluptuous bubble butt, or the unique effect it would have on men. How lucky for me I hadn’t worn underwear that day! It was then I knew my destiny.” Since she discovered her talent for not wearing clothes, Michelle’s prospects for a career have skyrocketed.

With luscious hips, long slender legs, a set of pouty,
crimson red lips, goddess-like elevated cheekbones, a gorgeous mane of silky
brown curls, healthy, perfectly oval breasts with silver dollar nipples and a
deliciously ripe, round ass, some experts believe that as long as she’s naked, Michelle
may be the most singularly talented person the world has ever produced.

It may be Michelle’s willingness to be so talented in front
of the cameras that will separate her from the rest of the hundreds of
thousands of ‘models’ on the internet. “Sure she’s special. She’s talented like I
ain’t never seen” panted her director, Oral Izer McHumpentuff, after the sweaty
six hour shoot with Michelle for Blowfinger. “Ain’t nobody’s talented like Michelle
is.”

Since she was a small child, Michelle had dreamed of a
moment when millions would unite and in unison celebrate her because of a
talent she and only she possessed. After responding to the ad for nude modeling
that led her to star in Flesh Fest Five, her one-of-a-kind ability to be
totally bare-ass naked may finally be acknowledged on a global scale.