QUAKE CITY, Calif. – Policemen finally
ended a gruesome, 7-hour standoff by shooting and killing wanted gangland thugs
Theodore Ogelvie and Amos Tucker as they attempted to steal prized gold
nuggets from a local bank. The coroner’s office estimated riddled the
two deadly hooligans’ bodies with a total of 248 gunshot and ricochet
wounds. The gunshots and resulting mutilation were so extensive, the
mothers of the gangsters were unable to identify the bodies. “The
police just opened fire at Amos and Theo. They were sputtering around
like rag dolls stuck in stagecoach spokes. Their guts were splattering
everywhere. It was just awful,” said a blood-soaked orphan Celia
Bradley, one of the three children held hostage by the life-long
criminals during the incident. While those who consider the Apple
Dumpling Gang hometwon heros have claimed police misconduct and called
for a civilian review of the altercation, city officials believe such an
inquiry is unlikely at this time. “It was a good, clean shootin’,” said
Quake City Sherriff Homer McCoy. “248 gunshot wounds ain’t overkill. Scrapin’ up soggy pieces of ripped off flesh and bones from the town square’s a small price to pay to make sure them bastards got what they
deserved. They’ll never terrorize Quake City again, that’s for sure.”
QUAKE CITY, Calif. – Policemen finally
HOLLYWOOD, Calif. – After being set up on a blind date with one of the famous Baldwin brother actors, local barfly and aspiring actress Christine Manchenko quickly realized he wasn’t the Baldwin she had thought. Manchenko was picked up in a run down Ford pickup with no back window, and she became suspicious of the Baldwin brother after not being able to place him in any of the movies she had seen recently.
“I love the Baldwins, but I wasn’t sure who this one was at all. It definitely wasn’t Billy Baldwin. That’s who I was hoping for. He was so unbelievably hot in Backdraft. And the guy was like way too old to be Stephen. I’ll take him circa Biodome anyday of the week. He did kinda look like Alec. Like a fat, retarded version of Alec. Plus, he smelled like cheap booze and hookers. Nasty.” Manchenko cut the blind date short as soon as she could, after the unidentified Baldwin brother pulled up to a sleazy bowling alley, burped while scratching himself and muttered indecipherable obscenities under his breath.
Experts believe that the suspected Baldwin brother was, in fact, the lesser known Daniel Baldwin. However, there is some speculation that a mystery Baldwin previously unknown to the public eye has emerged from the underground. Sources wishing to remain anonymous speculate that this Baldwin brother was somehow deformed or unwanted, and was raised in secret while being chained in a hidden chamber somewhere deep in the basement of the Baldwin compound.
No Baldwin returned calls for comment on this developing story. Also unavailable for comment was the original friend that set Ms. Manchenko up on the blind date. “I’m beginning to think she’s sort of a bitch. I’m seriously thinking about canceling the date she set me up with next weekend with one of the Wayans brothers,” said Manchenko.
(UNASSOCIATED PRESS) – The feeding tube of renowned killer Jason Voorhees, the man in the middle of a bitter moral and legal battle that has drawn national attention, was removed by state officials on Tuesday at the behest of the families of his numerous victims. Voorhees had been in a persistent vegetative state for nine years after being discovered unconscious and in a coma at the bottom of Crystal Lake.
It was a dramatic moment that encapsulated the extreme emotions on all sides of the struggle to decide the fate of the infamous boogeyman. The controversy has endured nine years of arduous court battles, and had taken its toll on the families of the victims of Voorhees’ alleged bloodlust and wrath.
At 2:15 p.m. on Tuesday, doctors removed the feeding tube from Jason’s grey, moldy forearm, placing it gently next to the flowers of well wishers and his famed hockey mask on the counter by his hospital bed. Without liquid nourishment, Jason could still remain alive for two to four weeks before dying of dehydration.
This may be the last chapter in the onerous saga that began almost 50 years ago when Jason Voorhees drowned in Crystal Lake as careless teenage camp counselors had sexual relations. Although the details of the last half century are vague and contradictory, most experts agree that numerous violent and bloody battles had left him with permanent brain damage.
After being retrieved from the bottom of Crystal Lake nine years ago, a dozen doctors have consistently diagnosed him to be in a persistent vegetative state. The controversy developed a life of its own since Jason left no living will describing his desires, rarely speaking of such wishes to anyone.
Some have claimed that Jason would not have wanted to be kept alive artificially and that it should be removed so he may pass on. Fans of the serial killer and Right-to-Life activists have fought to keep his feeding tube attached, declaring his condition could improve with the right rehabilitation.
A spokesman for the families involved in the killing sprees expressed relief at a hastily prepared press conference. “We’ve battled long and hard to get to this point, but we’re satisfied with the court’s decision. Jason will not be kept alive through a tube. We know he’s been killed numerous times before. But this time it’s different. He’s not coming back. We can finally rest at ease. Nope. Nu-uh. No chance of him coming back from the dead this time. He’s dead forever. Yep.”
The families’ spokesman elaborated on their plans to file lawsuits in civil court on behalf of the 144 victims allegedly murdered by Jason over a period of 26 years if the feeding tube is reattached.
They may seek restitution for Jason’s alleged butchery, which includes accusations of triple decapitation, machete hacking, head crushing, bludgeoning with a wrench, throat slashing, eye gouging, drowning, strangulation, as well as impalement with various objects including knives, spears, mirror chards, pitchforks, knitting needles, fireplace pokers, axes, railroad spikes, corkscrews, meat cleavers, garden shears and harpoons.
Andrew McMullan, lawyer for the Voorhees Estate vowed the battle was not over. “We hope to make an emergency appeal the 11th U.S. Circuit’s decision. The clock is ticking. Do these people have no compassion? Jason is starving to death right now. That’s somebody’s son suffering in the hospital. Are they heartless?”
“Well, we know at least one of Jason’s victims is heartless- Jason ripped his heart right out of his chest!” said Thomas Stanton, father of Suzi, a teenage girl Jason allegedly stabbed with a spear while on a Senior Class boat trip in 1989.
In an ironic twist, the actions of Congress have only reinforced the opinion of many who believe Jason Voorhees’ fate is being exploited for political purposes. The House of Representatives convened in an emergency session to pass legislation overriding the state court’s decision.
Said House Majority Leader John Boehner, “We need to save Jason. He can’t suffer a slow death through starvation. We want him to live, so way we can try him for all those murders. Then we can give him the electric chair. We can’t let activist judges take away the fun of murdering that son of a bitch ourselves!”
After being informed electrocution had previously reanimated Jason from the dead twice already, Boehner seemed confused. “Well that doesn’t make any sense at all. Wait, what? He drowned in 1957, right? How many times has he risen from the dead? Nine, ten times at least, right? How in the hell could electricity possibly…ah, fuck it.”
The dispute over Vorhees’ feeding tube follows quickly on the heels of other high profile cases involving famous killers. Most notably are the Leprechaun’s successful discrimination lawsuit after Cedar Point refused him admission to several roller coasters, Chucky from Child’s Play being tried as a minor for his crimes, and the Supreme Court’s ruling in favor of Freddy Krueger in Krueger v. Duraflame.
HOLLYWOOD, Ca. – Having waited since August of 1932 to become a world renowned film actor, ninety-three year old Bernard
Bixby has come to the conclusion that he’s finally ready for his big break. “I’ve waited 75 years for this. Put in my
dues. Took the classes. Sat on the casting couch. Auditioned like hell and kissed
ass. It’s time for ol’ Bernie to be a star!” said Bixby while waiting at line
for soup at the New Life Men’s Shelter in Orange County.
Bixby came close to stardom several times in his erratic
career. “I met Marilyn Monroe once when I was a janitor on the set of
came thiiiiis close, but I hear George Burns stepped in and lobbied for Allan Lane to do the damn horse’s voice instead of me. The colossal prick.”
Thirty four homeless years later, Bixby briefly enjoyed a $200 paycheck from a stint
as a corpse on Homicide: Life on the Street in January of 1995. However, the wealth and
fame from that performance quickly dried. Producers and casting directers were reluctant to cast him again as a result of complaints from the Homicide set that he smelled of bourbon and pee. By February the money had dried up and Bixby was
back to living his dream of acting through sleeping in boxes while eating the
rancid refuse from the dumpsters behind Spago’s.
“I’m gonna make it big in this town, just you watch,” said Bixby
while wiggling one of his last remaining front teeth. "It’s never too late. I may be older than dirt, but I tells ya, Bernie Bixby’s name’s
gonna be on the Marquee! All the way to the top! I’m gonna be a STAR! Hey, buddy you got a buck?”
SEATTLE, Wash. – Having received a DVD copy of The Godfather Part III for his birthday, 17
year old Seattle native Brian Engle
must decide whether or not to actually watch the shittiest of Francis Ford
Coppola’s sprawling, epic trilogy. “I’ve heard that it’s confusing, it drags,
and that Sofia Coppola takes a big dump all over the film with her pathetic
mugging.” Part three has long been criticized for being the most inferior and
unnecessary, known to some as the Joey Fatone of the Godfather films.
Not the first time in his life he’s been forced to make tough
programming choices, Engle has often chosen putrid entertainment based on name
recognition alone. “I loved Mark Wahlberg in The Italian Job, so when my sister
pulled out You Gotta Believe by Markie Mark and the Funky Bunch, I was like
ayyyight. But Daaaaaamn, I got a hernia from trying to chew my ears off.” When asked if he listened to the entire album anyway, Engle responded, "Of course."
Engle has also used his dismal taste in entertainment to
avoid real life decisions. Last week he put off calling his girlfriend of two and a half
years to apologize for ignoring her after getting sucked into a 7 hour long Real World
marathon. “It wasn’t even one of the good series. It was fuckin’ London
for God’s sake. Still, it was better than the alternative,” said Engle as he
slipped the Godfather DVD into his entertainment system’s player. "Oh, check out this commercial. I hate it, it sucks so much. Can’t stand it. Hold on, shut up, it’s not finished yet…"
STOCKTON, Ca. – Edward McFarlane, a twenty-three year old Conoco gas station attendant, has found himself at a life-changing crossroads, having to quickly decide whether or not to add Hollywood actor Jamie Kennedy as a friend on MySpace.com. After surfing through several dozen MySpace profiles of hot bikini-clad women, McFarlane saw the link for Jamie Kennedy in the friends section of Jenna Jameson’s site. He quickly surmised that being friends with Kennedy, star of Malibu’s Most Wanted, would be a seminal turning point in his life.
Although McFarlane is confident in his own qualities as a friend, he isn’t so certain about Kennedy’s qualifications or loyalty. “It’s a big commitment on my part, and an incredibly difficult decision. Do I really want to add Jamie as a friend? Will he be there for me like a true friend? Will he provide a shoulder to cry on in times of trouble? Spend late nights on the phone talking about a breakup? Is he going to help me with my boxes when I move to Oakwood Apartments next week? Or is he going to find an excuse like all my other deadbeat ‘friends’. Jerks.”
Indeed, being challenged with this incomprehensibly monumental choice has forced McFarlane to question the entire fabric of his existence. It has made him question the very nature of friendship in these complicated times. Being from completely different worlds, he is uncertain about whether Kennedy will accept him for who he truly is. “I want to believe Jamie will live up to his side of the bargain. As Nietzsche said, ‘What else is love but understanding and rejoicing in the fact that another person lives, acts, and experiences otherwise than we do?’" said McFarlane as he typed in the random letters and numbers in the verification section. “Now we’re forever bonded together. I’ll be there for you, Jamie. Don’t let me down. It’s too important.”