PHILADELPHIA, PA- After spending nearly an hour on the dance floor at Butterfly Echo, a trendy
local nightclub, 34 year old Leroy McPherson finally had enough of the house
music bossing him around and demanding he perform specific tasks. “I’m just
tired of the music telling me what to do all the time. Move Your Body, Shout, Push it, Put Your Hands in the Air, Lean Back. For Fuck’s sake, I just came to the club to relax
and let off some steam,” said McPherson, an accounts
receivable clerk at a local trucking company. “I spend the whole day with my
manager breathing down my neck, I don’t need this kind of pressure. The last
thing I need is some music demanding I do this or that. Jesus H. Christ.”

Musicologists trace the origins of bossy, dictatorial music to square dancing,
where bombastic ringleaders coerce innocent bystanders to dance precisely the way they want them
to, with no other options available. The Bossy Music movement seemed to peak
with the song “Hokey Pokey”, where the music bullied and forced dancers to put
their body parts in and out of a circle in repetitive increments against their
will. “The least the song could do is ask nicely. Like, ‘Put your hands in the Air, If You Feel Like It’, ‘Walk This Way, Unless You’re Tired’, ‘Back that Ass
Up, Pretty Please.’ That’s all I ask, damnit,” said McPherson.

Preliminary results from a newly released international scientific study indicate that men between the ages of 17 and 85 who regularly breastfeed on women’s bosoms are 73% less likely to develop health risks later. Quick on the heels of a recent study showing children who are breastfed have less stress later in life, scientists at the Swedish Medical Center for Disease Studies began research on whether or not the same health benefits occur if access to breasts were increased in adulthood.

Cleavage2_1“Our testing was implementing under rigorous scientific method to calculate the precise effect regular oral access to beautiful women’s shoulder boulders have on the health of our adult patients, Said Dr. Sven Yorgen, head of Swedish Medical Studies. “It helped that we have our own Bikini Team. I insisted on doing all the tests myself. And let me tell you, after 4 months of suckling 92 pairs of voluptuous mammaries, I feel terrific! The health benefits of regular titty sucking are now a matter of public record. I swear I could live forever!”

General results indicate the therapeutic applications of boob suckling specified several positive results in the majority of male patients, including decreased overall stress, lowered chance of heart complications and long lasting smiles. Conversely, a control group composed of adult males without clinical access to women’s melons developed increased anger, ulcers, depression and a proclivity to overall asshole-ish behavior in a relatively short amount of time.

“We found no discernible difference between males who sucked on real titties, and those who sucked on the fake variety,” said Yorgen. “All that mattered was the increased release of endorphins and testosterone as the test patients nibbled, licked and orally fondled women’s bazongas.” Although both men and women enjoyed it to a certain extent, adult males exhibited the most positive physiological effects from regular breastfeeding.

Frequency and number of unique breasts increased health also contributed to the health benefits. For instance, although the research discovered that men who sucked on one particular lady’s milkshake pom-poms exhibited a slight increase in overall health, the positive health benefits of men who slurped on a wide variety of female sugarplums was exponentially higher. As a result of the study’s conclusions, some scientists speculate that the medicinal value of a lifetime of breastfeeding may allow Hugh Hefner to live to 196. More on this story as it develops.

FT. LAUDERDALE, Flor. – In an attempt to shore up lagging poll numbers in her campaign for the Republican senatorial nomination, congresswoman Katherine Harris has decided to offer delicious, homemade cupcakes to anyone who will vote for her in the election. “It worked when I ran for treasurer in the 5th grade. My mom prepared these scrumptious double-chocolate and peanut butter delight cupcakes with extra frosting and rainbow sprinkles. We handed them out next to the slide on the school playground. Believe me, one bite and you’d have voted Stalin for dog catcher,” said Harris through her swollen, pouty lips and clown-school makeup.

Harris hopes her cupcakes will help her recover from a disastrous downward spiral, as Democratic incumbent Bill Nelson has pulled ahead by as many as 30 percentage points. Her Senate campaign has been riddled with vexing difficulties including problems with retaining volunteers, accusations of fraud, her sometimes gaudy appearance and an inability to deal with her own bizarre statements. While the effectiveness and legality of her cupcake tactic is still uncertain, Harris admits that if her poll numbers don’t improve she may have to up the ante. “I’ll like, totally make out with anyone who votes for me. With tongue. Seriously, meet me behind the bleachers.”

(UNASSOCIATED PRESS) – An independent clinical study
released yesterday by the Pew Research Center has discovered that at least 23
percent of the ingredients in takeout pizza include the bodily fluids from the
industry’s teenage employees.

National pizza chains have traditionally employed a large
percentage of the American teenage population. Not only has this provided adolescents with the
opportunity to earn extra money for summer activities, they now have the chance to
disseminate various bodily secretions into the food of unsuspecting patrons in previously unheard of amounts.

The Pew Center, a nonpartisan research organization, obtained the test results through a random sampling of
delivery pizzas from national chains including Domino’s, Pizza Hut and Papa
John’s. The study revealed that the urban legend involving various bodily ooze making its
way into your food contained a grain of truth.

“Certainly these kids are learning the value of a hard days
work,” said Pew Research Fellow Dr. Damon Stottelmeyer. “But they are also
ascertaining, perhaps intuitively, how easy it is to hock a gooey loogie into a
large pepperoni, and the customer is none the wiser.”

This sort of passive-aggressive behavior is only aggravated
by additional emissions teens may unintentionally discharge onto pizza
ingredients, including brow sweat splashed
onto the pizza dough and excessive sneezing over the toppings area during flu season.

“I don’t even want to know what some of the more perverted
kids do in the back office with the blinds shut. Who knows what sort of nasty
double entendres are manifested on top of the Meat Lovers pizza?” said
Stottelmeyer. The revelation has already caused a furor in the pizza eating
community, and the FDA has threatened to intervene.

While not denying teen spew has spurted onto their product, some
major pizza chains dismissed the more sinister implications of the study’s
results, betraying their deeply entrenched dependence on cheap teenage
labor. “The continued health of our customers is of utmost importance to us,” said a
spokesman for Pizza Hut. “If this study is corroborated, we intend to ensure all
of our food charts are updated to include calorie counts for teenage spit and jizz.” 

DENVER, Col. – Benny Freeman, a 23 year old waiter at a local Chili’s,
was forced to endure 47 minutes of frustration as an annoying couple proceeded
to break up in his section. “At first I thought it was just a minor squabble,”
said an irritated Freeman, “But then I realized this was no ordinary argument.
The guy was breaking up with her, and he was being a total dick about it.”

Freeman was tipped off initially by their reaction to his
introduction. “I told them my name, and that I recommended the tasty Triple Play
as an appetizer. By the time I got to how our featured drink was the Presidente
Margarita, the silent glares I got from them could have melted a glacier. I
told them I’d give them a little more time to think about it and got the hell
out of there.”

Watching from the order station seven yards from the
couple’s table, Freeman observed the couple as they angrily whispered to each
other for what seemed like an eternity. After helping three other tables, Freeman again observed the man’s arm movements getting more frantic, and
the woman finally cupping her face with her hands and bursting into tears.

The visibly agitated man immediately rose and screamed,
“Serves you right for cheating on me, bitch. And you can pay tonight, since
you’ve been freeloading off me for a year and a half!” He then stomped out of
the restaurant, slamming his shoulder into Freeman as he streaked towards the

“People need to stop using public places to air their dirty laundry, at least on my shift. The worst part of the whole ordeal was that once again I
got stiffed,” said Freeman. “Breaking up at my table and not even leaving a tip
for the trouble they caused? That’s just unforgivable. It’s just not worth the
$2.13 an hour. What is this, Jerry freakin’ Springer?”

This isn’t the first time Freeman has had to deal with
awkward situations in his section. Last January, Freeman had several groups of
teenagers steal the menus and run out on the bill, and just a few weeks
previously an old couple tried to haggle the price of a bowl of chicken noodle
soup down to $1.29. Said Freeman, “People need to get a grip and stop bringing
drama to my section. God!”

Weary of the endless misappropriation of their properties
during debates and discussion, apples and oranges have finally agreed in
principle to merge into one entity, ending years of struggle between their
innate differences.

“We just got tired of every jerk on the street using the
lack of similarity between apples and oranges to symbolize their own disagreements.
The time has come for apples and oranges to stand together and proclaim that we are united in purpose despite our differences,” said a
spokesman for the newly formed Apple-Orange Alliance.

Lazy pundits and amateurish high school debate teams may be
forced to find other hackneyed analogies to run into the ground. No longer will
they be able to depend on the apple-orange comparison to expose their opponents’
false parallels. “This is a victory for all those apple and orange lovers
exhausted by the constant discrimination of people bent on always pointing out
our differences.”

Some candidates for replacing the apple-orange comparison in
everyday vernacular include cars and boats, ponies and mules, Playstations and Xboxes,
boners and labias
, and possibly Christopher Lloyds and Christopher Walkens.

Other fruits are rumored to be disgruntled at being left out
of the merger proposition. A spokesman for bananas grumbled at the lack of
interest in them for a role in the newly formed union. “We’ve been featured in
many hilarious slapstick skits, not to mention a world-famous Harry Belafonte
tune. We don’t understand why apples and oranges would snub us from their
negotiations.” Rumors have it the negative connotations of bananas when
referencing mental patients ultimately played a role in the slight. A similar problem
was cited by the raspberry, who claimed his calls to the apple-orange
federation weren’t returned due to its own close association with flatulence.

Still, the apple/orange merger is seen in many circles as an
important first step towards the eventual fortification of a unified fruit
coalition. Experts aren’t sure whether the new partnership will use the term applanges
or orpples to signify their solidarity. Regardless, the new alliance signifies
a major shift in the world of bland comparisons, since apples and oranges can
no longer be considered two separate entities.