A controversial new study has concluded that too much exposure to
country music leads young teenagers to pick up banjo at an
inappropriately early age. Whether it’s country, southern, Nashville, or bluegrass, the Appalachian
music teens listen to include banjo hooks, solos and
background work. Researchers contend that teens who listen regularly to
country music are three times more likely to begin banjo plucking
during adolescence than teens who listen to other musical genres like nu metal and hardcore gangsta rap.

“Teens who listen to tons of
country are receiving mixed messages. They are being told that at their age, banjo playing is not only
acceptable, but expected,” said Dr. John Faniani, research
fellow at the Institute for Moral Musicianship. “Instead of listening to music that encourages them to explore their
bodies and discover their sexual identities, these kids are locking
themselves in the bathroom and practicing six-string zither banjos.
It’s not appropriate for them to be into arpeggiating with their right hand at age 14. It’s shocking, really.”

Although banjo influenced music has been around for over a century, the influence of lascivious banjo entrepreneurs
like Jimmy Driftwood and David ‘Stringbean’ Akeman on today’s teens is
a growing concern. A resurgence in banjo-related obsessions in younger
demographics may be attributed to popular country stars of today like
Keith Urban, who peddle crossover instruments like the ‘banjitar‘ in their raunchy, banjo-riddled music.

Clinical psychologist Dr. Terrence Finkle agreed parents should be
worried. He noted that the average teen’s brain goes through a rapid
transformation during adolescence, and excessive banjo-ing during that time could have dire effects. “Children’s
interest in adult-oriented activities like banjo playing are directly
attributable to the music they’re listening to. Parents need to
moderate the kinds of music they let their kids download onto their
ipod. What are they doing listening to Earl Scruggs Foggy Mountain Breakdown anyway, when kids should be listening to stuff their peers are into, like Back That Ass Up and My Humps?”

Added Dr. Finkle, “Oh, those lovely lady lumps.”

Preliminary results from a newly released international scientific study indicate that men between the ages of 17 and 85 who regularly breastfeed on women’s bosoms are 73% less likely to develop health risks later. Quick on the heels of a recent study showing children who are breastfed have less stress later in life, scientists at the Swedish Medical Center for Disease Studies began research on whether or not the same health benefits occur if access to breasts were increased in adulthood.

Cleavage2_1“Our testing was implementing under rigorous scientific method to calculate the precise effect regular oral access to beautiful women’s shoulder boulders have on the health of our adult patients, Said Dr. Sven Yorgen, head of Swedish Medical Studies. “It helped that we have our own Bikini Team. I insisted on doing all the tests myself. And let me tell you, after 4 months of suckling 92 pairs of voluptuous mammaries, I feel terrific! The health benefits of regular titty sucking are now a matter of public record. I swear I could live forever!”

General results indicate the therapeutic applications of boob suckling specified several positive results in the majority of male patients, including decreased overall stress, lowered chance of heart complications and long lasting smiles. Conversely, a control group composed of adult males without clinical access to women’s melons developed increased anger, ulcers, depression and a proclivity to overall asshole-ish behavior in a relatively short amount of time.

“We found no discernible difference between males who sucked on real titties, and those who sucked on the fake variety,” said Yorgen. “All that mattered was the increased release of endorphins and testosterone as the test patients nibbled, licked and orally fondled women’s bazongas.” Although both men and women enjoyed it to a certain extent, adult males exhibited the most positive physiological effects from regular breastfeeding.

Frequency and number of unique breasts increased health also contributed to the health benefits. For instance, although the research discovered that men who sucked on one particular lady’s milkshake pom-poms exhibited a slight increase in overall health, the positive health benefits of men who slurped on a wide variety of female sugarplums was exponentially higher. As a result of the study’s conclusions, some scientists speculate that the medicinal value of a lifetime of breastfeeding may allow Hugh Hefner to live to 196. More on this story as it develops.

Ca. – Continuing a disturbing trend of bigotry among young children, 10 year
old Brandon Amhrein was suspended from attending class for two weeks after
exhibiting extreme lactose intolerance in the school cafeteria.

The confrontation occurred last Tuesday when Maggie, the
cafeteria lady, attempted to give Brandon a carton of chocolate milk with his school lunch. Brandon
refused to take the milk, insisting on a juice alternative. Maggie recalled, “I
asked him what he had against
milk, and he told me outright that he was lactose intolerant. Heavens to Betsy,
I couldn’t believe it. To be so openly intolerant in this day and age? I was
shocked to say the least!”

Mariposa Elementary Principal Scott Samson was unapologetic
about the incident. “I’m appalled by Brandon,
frankly. This is a disturbing trend in our children. We have been given strict
standards to promote open-mindedness and diversity in the student body. Milk
prejudice is absolutely unacceptable. We have zero tolerance for intolerance
around here.”

Although the San Juan school district has launched a full investigation into the episode, initial
sentiment from the community seems to support Principal Samson’s actions. Both
the teacher’s union and the PTA have come out in support of Brandon’s
suspension, citing tolerance codes as incontestable.

The ACLU has issued a press release condemning the
suspension, claiming the child’s lactose intolerance is protected in ways similar
to the rights of KKK members to march in parades. “No matter how despicable Brandon’s
lactose intolerant views may be, those appalling views are nevertheless
protected under the first amendment of the Constitution.”

When asked for comment, Brandon simply answered, “I don’t know what the big deal is. I wish I could be more
tolerant of the lactose, but milk makes me fart and
gives me the runs.”

(UNASSOCIATED PRESS) – An independent clinical study
released yesterday by the Pew Research Center has discovered that at least 23
percent of the ingredients in takeout pizza include the bodily fluids from the
industry’s teenage employees.

National pizza chains have traditionally employed a large
percentage of the American teenage population. Not only has this provided adolescents with the
opportunity to earn extra money for summer activities, they now have the chance to
disseminate various bodily secretions into the food of unsuspecting patrons in previously unheard of amounts.

The Pew Center, a nonpartisan research organization, obtained the test results through a random sampling of
delivery pizzas from national chains including Domino’s, Pizza Hut and Papa
John’s. The study revealed that the urban legend involving various bodily ooze making its
way into your food contained a grain of truth.

“Certainly these kids are learning the value of a hard days
work,” said Pew Research Fellow Dr. Damon Stottelmeyer. “But they are also
ascertaining, perhaps intuitively, how easy it is to hock a gooey loogie into a
large pepperoni, and the customer is none the wiser.”

This sort of passive-aggressive behavior is only aggravated
by additional emissions teens may unintentionally discharge onto pizza
ingredients, including brow sweat splashed
onto the pizza dough and excessive sneezing over the toppings area during flu season.

“I don’t even want to know what some of the more perverted
kids do in the back office with the blinds shut. Who knows what sort of nasty
double entendres are manifested on top of the Meat Lovers pizza?” said
Stottelmeyer. The revelation has already caused a furor in the pizza eating
community, and the FDA has threatened to intervene.

While not denying teen spew has spurted onto their product, some
major pizza chains dismissed the more sinister implications of the study’s
results, betraying their deeply entrenched dependence on cheap teenage
labor. “The continued health of our customers is of utmost importance to us,” said a
spokesman for Pizza Hut. “If this study is corroborated, we intend to ensure all
of our food charts are updated to include calorie counts for teenage spit and jizz.” 

TERRE HAUTE, Ind.– What began as an innocent foray into a classic children’s game of Twister
quickly transformed into a massive, uncontrollable acceleration of puberty for
several Terre Haute youths. Fifteen
year olds Bobby Hacket, Gerald McFarlane and Jamie Sinclair experienced a
complex sequence of hormonal changes which increased with each flick of the
spinner and placement of limbs on the Twister mat.

The proximity of the adolescents’ crotch regions became an issue as the Twister game continued and a greater tangling of limbs
and torsos ensued. After rubbing up against Gerald’s leg, Jamie felt the hormonal
changes almost instantaneously. The amplitude of her LH pulses increased, and
her ovaries began producing testosterone. As the boy’s hands trailed around her
hip bone in a movement they claimed was to find a red dot, Jamie’s granulose
cells were immediately engorged with estrodial, the major benefactor of uterus
and breast growth as well as increases in vaginal mucosa.

The next spin of the Twister board engulfed the trio in
compromising positions which led to more inadvertent contact amongst their
increasingly sweaty, platonic bodies. “It was, like, totally weird,” said
Jamie. “Gerald and Bobby are cute, but I swear I was just trying to get my leg
over to the green dot. I didn’t mean to brush against Gerald’s, you know,

As soon as Gerald realized Jamie had “accidentally” nestled against his
pubic region, his body quickly heightened the Leydig cells in his testes to
increase testosterone and blood levels, and promptly amplified his androgen
receptors’ mediation of dihydrotestosterone. As Gerald settled into a position
which forcefully jammed Jamie’s budding left breast into his chin, his estrodial
count augmented and began the closure of his epiphyses.

“It was a strange feeling, my heart was pounding. We were
all twisted up, and when they yelled out left hand yellow, I just like reached
for the dot that would get me as close to Jamie’s butt as possible. Jamie’s
cute, and I’d never been so close to a girl’s ass before,” confessed Bobby
while scratching a newly formed pimple on the tip of his nose. 

There is no consensus as to how extensive the effects the
game of Twister may have had on the teenagers’ development into adulthood. But
experts agree that had they decided to play Connect Four or Uno instead,
advancement of the hormonal systems leading to development of reproductive
organs and maturation might have been delayed up to four or five months.

Some speculate that if Jamie hadn’t slipped under the weight
of the two boys and ended the game, a spin of right foot blue or right hand green may have introduced her to the need for birth control, and Bobby and
Gerald to the fact that their sexual preferences were far from settled.

(UNASSOCIATED PRESS) – Recent numbers have indicated that
despite an upswing for both demographics, the last few years have shown a
dramatic upturn in the American jackass population, far outpacing the slight
increase in dumbasses.

“The prolific increase is sensational to say the least,” said
Dr. Steinbrenner of Johns Hopkins, head of the Clinical Jackass Research Team. “We’ve
seen spikes in jackasseyness before, but this spectacular swelling is truly
remarkable. If this continues, the American way of life may change

Although there is some controversy over the differences
between the jackass dumbass populations, most experts agree on one basic “ass”
indicator. Dumbasses are likely unaware of their unfortunate condition, whereas
jackasses know that they’re being completely retarded yet purposefully choose
to continue their moronic behavior.

Self-proclaimed ass expert Tony Valmont agrees with this
diagnosis. “A dumbass might accidentally sneeze a snot rocket onto his
father-in-law’s shirt collar. While that’s certainly dumb, a jackass would
proceed to lick it off his father-in-law’s collar while singing Can’t Get No
loudly and off-key.”

Despite this impressive increase in the jackass population,
proponents of the dumbass constituency remain unfazed. Dumbass advocates remain
confident that their dominance of American culture will remain intact, and
point to incompetent voting trends and insipid television tastes as proof that
the American dumbass is far from extinct. “This upswing in the jackass
population is merely a temporary development. The long term prognosis for dumbasses
is as optimistic as ever,” said a dumbass spokesman. He added, “I like cheese.”

Some evidence supports this claim. For instance, national
emergency room statistics show that between 2003 and 2005, the numbers of cases
where appliances were removed from human orifices actually increased by 37
percent. America’s
Funniest Home Videos
has also indicated that video admissions of whiffle ball
bat-wielding children hitting their fathers in the crotch and hilarious clips
of people falling down on their butts has remained steady.

But some self –identifying jackasses like Hollywood actor Johnny Knoxville see the upturn in jackass numbers as a positive sign for
their kind. “America has spoken. Striving for excellence in unintentional buffoonery and general
idiocy is one thing. But natural stupidity pales in comparison to the sheer excitement
of consciously choosing to hump a live alligator or staple-gunning your own
butt-cheeks together.” This supposition is supported by the fact that since
2002, jackass related events have nearly tripled.

This sudden swelling in jackass numbers may be disturbing to
some, but not unprecedented. The Gong Show of the 70’s augmented the average
jackass to mythical proportions. It was often considered a right of passage to
go on the show and burp the alphabet or perform the Battle Hymn of the Republic
with one’s armpit. If the jackass-dumbass trends continue at the present rate,
both populations may together compose a majority in the United States by 2037.

Still, the incompetence and ignorance associated with
dumbassyness persists unhindered, most prevalently in everyday situations including
the grocery store and the workplace. “This one dumbass cashier at Safeway
refused to take my two dollar bill, claiming there was no such thing,” said homemaker Wendy Frinkle. “What a fuckin’ dumbass.”

A silver lining to the moronic activities of both jackasses
and dumbasses is the boon it has provided for America’s
smartass population. “Without the dumbasses that make the local news and the
jackasses in the White House, we’d be out of a job and applying for drive-thru at Wendy’s,” said renowned smartass Jon
Stewart of the Daily Show. “But I have mixed feelings about the ascendancy of
jackasses. Is accidentally getting a marble stuck up your nose really worse
than purposefully giving your scrotum a paper-cut? I just don’t know for sure.”


a brilliant maneuver sure to perpetuate the popularity of its particular strain,
herpes simplex virus two has latched onto the genitalia of local Brooklyn heartthrob Javier Patterson. Luckily for the herpes, Javier is not only
ignorant of techniques to control the herpes virus including Zovirax and
, he has kept the infection a secret from the dozens of
ladies he’s slept with in the last few months.

“Before its invasion of Patterson’s nether region, this particular herpes didn’t have much of a future. We
weren’t sure whether or not it would simply die
off like so many others,” said Malcolm Gladwell, writer of The Tipping Point. “But after the inspired
choice of Patterson’s unbelievably popular schlong, it won’t be long before
this herpes goes from isolated outbreak to international phenomenon.”

Previously, the same herpes virus was not so lucky in its
choice of carriers. Failed attempts to increase its numbers included latching
onto the ballsack of 38 year old systems analyst Bernie Schlessinger, who had
been a virgin until a one night rendezvous with a Mexican hooker in  Tijuana.  Schlessinger proved to be a poor choice for the herpes to boost its prominence,
as he likely will not find another willing partner for many years due to poor
social skills and chronic halitosis.

"This just shows that who you know is more important than
what you know,” said local New York physician Dr. Haagan. “If this herpes virus hadn’t been discovered by Javier in
one of his three hookups last Thursday night at Ultimate, a New York nightclub popular with the young promiscuous crowd, herpes may never have gotten this chance. It’s truly a partnership made in heaven. Javier will use his dashing good looks and natural charisma to further the unstoppable infectious spirit of herpes.”

Doctors agree that hooking up with Patterson’s genitalia was
the smartest move the herpes could have accomplished. The herpes virus may very
well be guaranteed the chance of a lifetime: years of spreading the offspring
of its unique brand of infection to potentially hundreds of new crotch regions
in a matter of weeks. Exponentially, the virus may reach epidemic proportions
in mere months, and become the most popular strain in recent memory.

UTAH – Local polygamist
Graham Stoddard has had enough, and is lobbying the local police force to finally
enforce legislation on the books outlawing his chosen lifestyle. “There is no
justification for my immoral way of life. Plus, every bone in my body is in
constant, searing pain,” opined a visibly haggard Stoddard from a bunker in his
extensive compound 67 miles south-southwest of Salt Lake City. With a total of 12 wives and 72 children, the years of constant polygamy may have finally caught up to the beleaguered and exhausted husband, who is barely able to walk or get out of bed. "This needs to stop. At first I thought this life would be fun and exciting. Now I just want to die. Please, please, please could somebody just come and put me out of my misery?"

Weary of the endless misappropriation of their properties
during debates and discussion, apples and oranges have finally agreed in
principle to merge into one entity, ending years of struggle between their
innate differences.

“We just got tired of every jerk on the street using the
lack of similarity between apples and oranges to symbolize their own disagreements.
The time has come for apples and oranges to stand together and proclaim that we are united in purpose despite our differences,” said a
spokesman for the newly formed Apple-Orange Alliance.

Lazy pundits and amateurish high school debate teams may be
forced to find other hackneyed analogies to run into the ground. No longer will
they be able to depend on the apple-orange comparison to expose their opponents’
false parallels. “This is a victory for all those apple and orange lovers
exhausted by the constant discrimination of people bent on always pointing out
our differences.”

Some candidates for replacing the apple-orange comparison in
everyday vernacular include cars and boats, ponies and mules, Playstations and Xboxes,
boners and labias
, and possibly Christopher Lloyds and Christopher Walkens.

Other fruits are rumored to be disgruntled at being left out
of the merger proposition. A spokesman for bananas grumbled at the lack of
interest in them for a role in the newly formed union. “We’ve been featured in
many hilarious slapstick skits, not to mention a world-famous Harry Belafonte
tune. We don’t understand why apples and oranges would snub us from their
negotiations.” Rumors have it the negative connotations of bananas when
referencing mental patients ultimately played a role in the slight. A similar problem
was cited by the raspberry, who claimed his calls to the apple-orange
federation weren’t returned due to its own close association with flatulence.

Still, the apple/orange merger is seen in many circles as an
important first step towards the eventual fortification of a unified fruit
coalition. Experts aren’t sure whether the new partnership will use the term applanges
or orpples to signify their solidarity. Regardless, the new alliance signifies
a major shift in the world of bland comparisons, since apples and oranges can
no longer be considered two separate entities.