By Billy Bernam
Aries (March 21-April 19). Your bully is not amused
when you replace the lunch money he stole from you with Folger’s Crystals.
Taurus (April 20-May 20). Your reality is shattered when you discover
there is no Santa Claus, and you’ll regret those things you let him do in the
janitor’s closet of the mall last Christmas just so you’d get the Blue Power
Gemini (May 21-June 21). You will astound your peers and teachers in
class with the breakthrough discovery of a cure for Cooties, only to have Pfizer squeeze you out when they beat you to the patent office.
Cancer (June 22-July 22). While trying to impress your friends isn’t
necessarily bad, doing so by attempting a 360 degree flip on the swing will
only lead to yet another summer in a full body cast.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You will be shocked to discover that despite
previous claims to the contrary, the examination performed behind the bushes in
the backyard was not performed by an accredited doctor.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Your lobbying efforts to replace regular
basketball in gym class with an hour of Xbox NBA Jam 2006 each day will fail
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Success can be yours with the right amount of effort,
so long as nobody finds out most of your amazing magazine fundraising numbers
have come from selling Hustler subscriptions to prison inmates.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). The bite you received from a radioactive
spider in science class does not lead to superpowers, but it does lead to an
awkward 45 minutes with Ms. Hellgaard, the school nurse with halitosis.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You think you’re a unique kid with
special talents who’s really popular at school, but everybody knows you’re
just a big poopyhead.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Your campaign for class treasurer at the
elementary school is severely hampered by revelations that you took dirty money
from Jack Abramoff.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). You feel a sense of
urgency today that you haven’t felt in a long time, probably because you drank
seven Capri Suns and you’ve been holding in the pee for three hours now.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Despite the tireless efforts, your inability
to become an emancipated minor or look even remotely Cambodian dashes any hope of being
adopted by Angelina Jolie.