Jon_1 STOCKTON, Ca. – Edward McFarlane, a twenty-three year old Conoco gas station attendant, has found himself at a life-changing crossroads, having to quickly decide whether or not to add Hollywood actor Jamie Kennedy as a friend on After surfing through several dozen MySpace profiles of hot bikini-clad women, McFarlane saw the link for Jamie Kennedy in the friends section of Jenna Jameson’s site. He quickly surmised that being friends with Kennedy, star of Malibu’s Most Wanted, would be a seminal turning point in his life.

Jamiekennedy_headshot Although McFarlane is confident in his own qualities as a friend, he isn’t so certain about Kennedy’s qualifications or loyalty. “It’s a big commitment on my part, and an incredibly difficult decision. Do I really want to add Jamie as a friend? Will he be there for me like a true friend? Will he provide a shoulder to cry on in times of trouble? Spend late nights on the phone talking about a breakup? Is he going to help me with my boxes when I move to Oakwood Apartments next week? Or is he going to find an excuse like all my other deadbeat ‘friends’. Jerks.”

Jamie_kennedy_myspace Indeed, being challenged with this incomprehensibly monumental choice has forced McFarlane to question the entire fabric of his existence. It has made him question the very nature of friendship in these complicated times. Being from completely different worlds, he is uncertain about whether Kennedy will accept him for who he truly is. “I want to believe Jamie will live up to his side of the bargain. As Nietzsche said, ‘What else is love but understanding and rejoicing in the fact that another person lives, acts, and experiences otherwise than we do?’" said McFarlane as he typed in the random letters and numbers in the verification section. “Now we’re forever bonded together. I’ll be there for you, Jamie. Don’t let me down. It’s too important.”


accountant Gary Shemplten was not pleased to discover that his native country,
the United States of America,
was not listed at the top of the pull down menu at the start of his internet
form filling. “God Damn it all to Hell!” exclaimed a visibly irate Shemplten as
he struggled with the mouse roller. The resulting point and click added another
13 seconds to Gary’s internet surfing
time. “What’s the fucking point of this? It starts at Afghanistan? Oh, yeah, real smart. Al Qaeda’s a huge demographic for emoticons. Was this script written by a
retarded orangutan?”

Although many sites choose to put the U.S.
at the top of the scroll lists if the majority of their clients are American, there
are no universal guidelines for webmasters and internet developers when
configuring listing choices. “I had to scroll all the way through Ethiopa, the Faroe
Islands, Guyana, Kyrgyzstan and Liechenstein. Liechtenstein for God’s Sake! Then I struggled down
past Mauritania,
rolled past Qatar
and Sri Lanka,
and finally, FINALLY I find ‘USA’
tucked between Uruguay and Uzbekistan. Thanks a lot jackasses."