QUAKE CITY, Calif. – Policemen finally
ended a gruesome, 7-hour standoff by shooting and killing wanted gangland thugs
Theodore Ogelvie and Amos Tucker as they attempted to steal prized gold
nuggets from a local bank. The coroner’s office estimated riddled the
two deadly hooligans’ bodies with a total of 248 gunshot and ricochet
wounds. The gunshots and resulting mutilation were so extensive, the
mothers of the gangsters were unable to identify the bodies. “The
police just opened fire at Amos and Theo. They were sputtering around
like rag dolls stuck in stagecoach spokes. Their guts were splattering
everywhere. It was just awful,” said a blood-soaked orphan Celia
Bradley, one of the three children held hostage by the life-long
criminals during the incident. While those who consider the Apple
Dumpling Gang hometwon heros have claimed police misconduct and called
for a civilian review of the altercation, city officials believe such an
inquiry is unlikely at this time. “It was a good, clean shootin’,” said
Quake City Sherriff Homer McCoy. “248 gunshot wounds ain’t overkill. Scrapin’ up soggy pieces of ripped off flesh and bones from the town square’s a small price to pay to make sure them bastards got what they
deserved. They’ll never terrorize Quake City again, that’s for sure.”


ASPEN, Colorado – In what some analysts consider a brilliant maneuver, convicted corporate felon Kenneth Lay died of a heart attack on Wednesday, effectively avoiding the prison sentence and loads of ass rape that would have come with it. Mr. Lay was convicted recently of lying to regulators, investors and employees to shroud the inevitable financial crumbling of his massive energy company Enron.

“While we were satisfied with Mr. Lay’s guilty verdict, nothing can be done to restore the ruined lives of those who lost their pensions in Mr. Lay’s illegal schemes,” said a spokesman for a group of former Enron employees. “We were just hoping he’d live long enough to for his cellmate in Block D to give him a good fudge packing. Now Mr. Lay’s victims will never experience the sheer joy of knowing the man who ruined their lives is getting a violent ass pounding.”

Experts had unanimously agreed that Ken Lay would have likely been relegated to the position of “Bitch” in the prison hierarchy. As a result, Lay would have been forced to give sloppy blowjobs to whoever demanded them, as well as having to toss the salad of the uglier and smellier inmates. At the time of the heart attack Mr. Lay was out on $5 million dollar bail while awaiting sentencing, the money in his offshore accounts just enough to avoid endless butt reaming by dozens of angry inmates in the shower.  Although the true importance of Lay’s death tactic is uncertain, many historians already agree that dying was a unique way for Lay to avoid forced sodomy.

UTAH – Local polygamist
Graham Stoddard has had enough, and is lobbying the local police force to finally
enforce legislation on the books outlawing his chosen lifestyle. “There is no
justification for my immoral way of life. Plus, every bone in my body is in
constant, searing pain,” opined a visibly haggard Stoddard from a bunker in his
extensive compound 67 miles south-southwest of Salt Lake City. With a total of 12 wives and 72 children, the years of constant polygamy may have finally caught up to the beleaguered and exhausted husband, who is barely able to walk or get out of bed. "This needs to stop. At first I thought this life would be fun and exciting. Now I just want to die. Please, please, please could somebody just come and put me out of my misery?"