Kid_divorce_1
PHILADELPHIA, Pa. – Fresh from a bitter divorce between parents Tom and Ashley Severenson, twelve year old Scotty, their only child, anticipates a “buttload” more gifts and presents on special holidays. “I’m so excited! Now that mom and dad are splitsville, that means I’ll get twice as many presents on the holidays. And better gifts too! They’ll be desperate to win my affection, so I’ll be able to play them off each other for the coolest, baddest toys on the market. Freakin’ sweet!” said a smirking Scotty.

Divorced_parents
Scotty’s plans include subtle manipulation of both parents in hopes of acquiring more cool gadgets and electrifying toys than any other kid in his demographic. “Before the divorce, mom was always buying me ‘practical’ gifts like socks and jackets and other dumbass crap. Now she’s going to have to use up those alimony payments and max out that Platinum Visa just to keep up with dad."

Although his mother Ashley had received full custody due to his father’s drinking habit, Scotty didn’t seem too interested in the lack of a full time father figure in his life, as he would be receiving all kinds of unbelievable stuff he wouldn’t have received otherwise. Since this upcoming December will be the first Christmas since the breakup, Scotty says he is angling to get an Xbox 360 from his father and a Playstation 3 from his mother. “Last year, I’d have been lucky to get a new cartridge for that dusty ol’ Nintendo 64. Now I’m gonna be the most popular kid on the block. Mom and dad breaking up is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, ever. Divorce rocks!”

AUGUSTA, Georgia – After dropping a piece of blueberry bran
muffin onto his trousers during lunch break, local mortgage specialist Frank
McDonald discovered his zipper had descended, exposing a small piece of his
Spongebob Squarepants boxers in the process. “Oh, that’s just great,” opined a
distraught McDonald. “Why didn’t anyone tell me? Motherfuck.”

In retracing his steps, McDonald attempted to procure a potential
timeline for the duration his zipper had actually been down, revealing the
prominent trouser slit to the world. “Okay, I left for work in the morning and briefly spoke
to my neighbors, the Kinseys as I lept down my porch steps. Maybe that’s why
Mrs. Kinsey shielded her kid’s eyes as I waved to them. At about 9 a.m. I went by the break room to grab a donut
and rant about the season finale of House. I heard a few muffled snickers, but
I didn’t know it was about me! Nobody said a word. Shit, I wonder if that’s why
Cynthia gave me that weird look earlier when I gave her the memos for accounts
receivable.”

This is not the first illustration of McDonald’s proclivity
for unintentional buffoonery, as previous instances have caused interoffice
hilarity. Most notable were a large, whistling booger which dangled
precariously from his nose through a two-hour meeting with corporate bigwigs, and
the notorious “wet spot”, where potential clients in a meeting laughed at a particularly
prominent damp area on the back of McDonald’s beige pants. "I sat in a puddle of coffee or something, I swear. Damn, why’d I have to wear the Spongebob underwear today? It’s laundry day!"

Attempts to retrieve information about the length and extent of the zipper mishap proved futile. None of his coworkers were willing to
provide McDonald with any of the universally recognized signals for downed
zippers, including clearing of the throat, subtly pointing to the crotch area, or
whispering XYZ. Despite his inability to ascertain the precise length of time of
this particular dangling zipper mishap, McDonald vowed to be more careful in
the future to avoid another “wardrobe malfuckingfunction.”

Someguy
SEATTLE, Wash. – Having received a DVD copy of The Godfather Part III for his birthday, 17
year old Seattle native Brian Engle
must decide whether or not to actually watch the shittiest of Francis Ford
Coppola’s sprawling, epic trilogy. “I’ve heard that it’s confusing, it drags,
and that Sofia Coppola takes a big dump all over the film with her pathetic
mugging.” Part three has long been criticized for being the most inferior and
unnecessary, known to some as the Joey Fatone of the Godfather films.

35f
Not the first time in his life he’s been forced to make tough
programming choices, Engle has often chosen putrid entertainment based on name
recognition alone. “I loved Mark Wahlberg in The Italian Job, so when my sister
pulled out You Gotta Believe by Markie Mark and the Funky Bunch, I was like
ayyyight. But Daaaaaamn, I got a hernia from trying to chew my ears off.” When asked if he listened to the entire album anyway, Engle responded, "Of course."

Engle has also used his dismal taste in entertainment to
avoid real life decisions. Last week he put off calling his girlfriend of two and a half
years to apologize for ignoring her after getting sucked into a 7 hour long Real World
marathon. “It wasn’t even one of the good series. It was fuckin’ London
for God’s sake. Still, it was better than the alternative,” said Engle as he
slipped the Godfather DVD into his entertainment system’s player. "Oh, check out this commercial. I hate it, it sucks so much. Can’t stand it. Hold on, shut up, it’s not finished yet…"

 

Green_man_group

SKOKIE, Ill.
– Local color blind entertainer Barry Gruden thoroughly ruined his one chance
to join the Blue Man Group after accidentally painting himself green for the
audition. Gruden, an avid fan and self-proclaimed "Blue Man Fanatic", was
extremely excited to discover the performance group was holding Chicago auditions.

After meticulously planning his piece, Gruden rushed out the door to make the 25
mile trip to the audition site. “Barry’s a little forgetful about his color
blindness. He didn’t check with me before he left,” said wife Martha.

“I wanted to impress them so much they’d offer me a
contract, but I really fucked up,” said a flustered Gruden after the audition. “They
were all behind a table painted in blue as usual. But halfway through my
routine they broke with their characteristic unblinking stare and started
cracking up uncontrollably.”

“It was fucking
hilarious. The idiot was in full green makeup. He looked like Kermit the Frog’s
lovechild,” said one of the Blue Men. “We’re professionals, sure. But showing
up to an audition like that is priceless. What a dimwit.” Gruden had a similar
problem last Halloween, when he dressed his 5 year old son Troy as a Lavender Smurf, leading to an entire night of wedgies and mockery from the neighborhood children.

 

TUSCON, Ariz.–
In a startling maneuver sure to dazzle even the most ardent skeptics,  local marketing executive Barney Gruden was able
to not only secure a new Hummer, but received a hummer in the back
seat of that Hummer. “Aaahhh yeah!” exclaimed a noticeably aroused Gruden,
found fogging up the back windows with an unnamed woman. “This is what it’s all
about.” It has not yet been ascertained how Gruden was able to accomplish such
an amazing feat with his distinctly average appearance. Informal studies have
implied a connection between an auto and the status needed to attract sexual partners.
In Gruden’s case, the association seems more potent. His first car was a Datsun
Cherry, a car he kept up until his Senior Prom. Sources claim that while he was
dating a beautiful Native American woman he drove a Jeep Cherokee. Then when she
broke up with him, he traded that in for a Ford Escort, bringing home a new
lady each night. Regardless, Gruden foresees many more hummers in the back seat
of his Hummer. “If these adventures get any more exciting, I’m going to have to
trade this in for an Escapade!”

Str2
ST
PAUL, Minn. – After briefly hanging out with several coworkers at Wet Willy’s,
a local topless bar just outside downtown St. Paul, thirty eight year old
Sheldon Bonsworth realized he would have a hard time explaining to his wife why
he smelled like strippers.

“I
just wanted to wind down after a long day’s work,” said Bonsworth. “Now I reek
of watered down liquor and pole dancer sweat. Sharon’s
gonna be so pissed.”

Several
male coworkers from the Shigby & Wells accounting firm joined him at the
edge of the stage, savoring the slender, naked dancers writhing and wiggling for
at least 45 minutes. “Sheldon didn’t seem too concerned while Kayla was shoving
her shapely ass cheeks in his face for dollar bills.”

The
realization of his predicament materialized after Kayla, a buxom brunette,
offered him a third lap-dance. A noticeably tipsy Bonsworth became visibly
alarmed, mumbled something about “the aroma of ho’s” and immediately dashed out
the back door.

3195256969_1

“This
sucks. I couldn’t get this stench off of me with a fire hose and a barrel full
of lime.” Bonsworth described the distinct odor associated with strippers was
as “a combination of Victoria’s Secret lotions, thongs and fragrant crotch-rot.”

Although
no permanent solutions to the pungent stripper scent have been discovered, scientists
recommend a thorough and extended soaking in a bathtub full of tomato juice, a
home remedy similar to that applied after being sprayed by a skunk.

Bonsworth faced the same dilemma last June after colleagues entertained clients at Wet
Willy’s
. After arriving home nearly
three hours late with lipstick smudges on his collar and glitter stuck in his
eyebrows, his wife made him sleep on the couch for a week.

 

In a shocking turn of events, Frank and Shirley Englebart
returned from their first night out away from their children in over 8 months
to find the babysitter dead in the living room. The babysitter, pictured on the left, had been a longtime family friend and confidant, helping to raise the Englebart’s three children for over 4 years.

The two parents were enjoying a delicious T-Bone steak and
scrumptious southwest chicken wrap at TGIFriday’s when Shirley insisted on cutting the
night short when she had what she referred to as ‘a bad feeling.’

When the loving parents finally arrive home, they found Grace (9), Jessica (7) and Samantha (6) huddled together
on the living room sofa next to the babysitter’s dead, lifeless carcass. Grace, the oldest sister, seemed to take the loss in stride, understanding the babysitter could be replaced. But Jessica and
Samantha displayed intial signs of traumatization associated with losing a
loved one. They also couldn’t watch their favorite
show Blues Clues as a result of the
tragedy.

“We were all watching A Series of Unfortunate Events with
Jim Carrey because I think he’s really funny. Then like out of nowhere the
babysitter just stopped functioning and died right there in front of us. Like,
bam!” said Grace. At first the children panicked, but cooler heads prevailed
and after a few minutes the three agreed to call the authorities for
assistance.

“Those kids are so brave,” said Sheriff O’Donahue, the first
policeman to the scene of the babysitter’s demise. “I don’t know what I would have done in
the same situation. But they kept their cool and called the local electronics
repairman.” Unfortunately for the Englebarts, the repairman was unable to arrive in time to save the day since his next opening was in July.

Local law enforcement officials are suspecting the
babysitter died of natural causes, although foul play has not been ruled out
entirely. An electrical storm may have caused a power surge, leading to the regrettable
incident, but scratches on the babysitter’s back and small puddles of spilled cherry
kool-aid on the sitter’s extremities have lead detectives to delay ruling
out any of the three children as contributing to the babysitter’s untimely
death.

“Our babysitter has always been so dependable in the past,”
said Mrs. Englebart. Mr. Englebart added, “The sitter always took great care of
the kids and helped free up some time to ourselves once in awhile. We demand
the authorities get to the bottom of this, and soon. Hopefully before the NBA
Playoffs
start.”

At_risk_inner_city_youth_1

DETROIT, Mich.– In order to keep inner city youth out
of trouble, a local charitibale organization has created a new program providing a safe place
for teens to come after hours to freely download hours and hours of hot, sweaty
porn. “We found great success with midnight basketball programs in providing alternatives for the kids that were at-risk in
the community,” said charity founder Bart Holmgrin. “This is just another
option that may appeal to teens that otherwise wouldn’t have the bandwidth
necessary to download the first 17 episodes of Anal Debutantes.”

Holmgrin reports that Saving and Protecting
Inner City Youth
, or S.P.I.C.Y. is excited about the charity’s first foray into other activities besides
sports to attract the youth demographic away from life on the dangerous streets
of Detroit. A pamphlet for the program claims it provides another appealing choice
for young adults who might otherwise fall into gang life. 

Porn_2S.P.I.C.Y. has shown exponential
growth in popularity, and every night larger groups of at-risk youth line up to
the saran-wrap protected Dell P.C.’s that have given them the chance to explore
such classic erotica as Schindler’s Fist and Night of the Giving Head. When
asked to give his opinion while utilizing the facilities to download Black
Dicks on White Chicks IV
, one adolescent named Rafael replied, “Uuuuunnngh.”

The charity is currently accepting
donations including mops, handiwipes, and any unused smut  stored
underneath neighborhood mattresses. “The future of our children is vitally
important,” said Holmgrin. “These children have amazing potential, and if giving
them the chance to download the hot orgy scene from Forrest Hump stops just one of them from
doing drugs or committing a drive-by shooting, then I’ve done my job.”   

OMAHA, Neb. – 86 year old Gerald Bertrand is happily spending his last remaining days on
earth at the Shady Oaks Retirement Village in the last throes of advanced Alzheimer’s, blissfully unaware of the totally
shitty life he once lived.

A retired steelworker after 35 years of mind-numbing,
soul-crushing work, Gerald had been spending his days in a drunken stupor
outside his dilapidated, rat infested, rent controlled apartment in the
projects, swearing at passersby and shooting neighborhood squirrels with an old
BB gun. Two months ago, Alzheimer’s hit him and in an instant wiped away a
lifetime of hatred, vitriol, bad choices and self-loathing.

A former neighbor, Constance McGovern thinks it’s for the
best. “It’s a good thing, really. Jerry led such an unbelievably rotten life.
He was lousy at everything accomplished nothing. He hated everybody and
everybody hated him back. And he smelled like a septic tank.”

In his earlier years, Bertrand took a job at the steel mill
to marrying a one night fling named Samantha once he knocked her up. A local
scandal erupted when Samantha’s pregnancy came to term and the baby was black.
Bertrand hung out with his friends from college well into his forties shooting
cans in the field next to his trailer park.


Police records show a pattern of alcoholism and domestic
abuse: Gerald was arrested 15 times over a period of 7 years for DUI’s and complaints
of wife battering.  Samantha divorced him
12 years after the birth of their first child and received all his assets in
the court settlement. By all accounts, Gerald’s work had left him nothing but a
hollow shell. He lost his job at the steel mill 6 months before his retirement
pension for coming to work drunk, swearing at the foreman and urinating on the
heavy machinery. He blamed everyone but himself.

Bertrand, who used to be what his former neighbors called a
“lousy stinkin’ jerk”, a “useless heap of junk”, a “bitter, fuckin’ waste of
flesh and bones”, is now all smiles. He acts docile and sweet, content to sit
in a comfortable Laz-E-Boy in the retirement home rec room and stare at shiny
things. He compliments passersby up to seven or eight times in a row without
realizing it.


Bertrand seems oblivious and even euphoric and has become a
favorite of the Shady Oaks staff. "That’s shiny. I like cheese. When is Gwen coming back? She’s so pretty," says Bertrand. According to some nurses, the elderly ladies
in nearby rooms have even taken a liking to him. “He’s just so happy. Simple
things like a bowl of Fruit Loops bring a smile to his face. He’s like a sweet,
sweet child,” say one nurse named Cynthia. 

“These are the best days of his life,” says Constance.
“Alzheimer’s is the best thing to ever happen to him. Now he can enjoy the
remaining days of what used to be a truly wretched, appalling, shitty life.”

Antique_3

GREENSBORO – Antique Roadshow appraiser Harry Steenbern received a special
treat at last Wednesday’s filming of the popular series when after realizing an
artifact was authentic he immediately shot a load in his pants.

Steenbern took one look at the 1925 Harriet Frishmuth
sculpture and instantly got a huge stiffy. When he deduced the name of the item
was “Crest of the Wave”, the intensity of his ecstasy heightened. “At the
moment that I discovered the Gorham foundry mark, I couldn’t hold back any
longer. I lost all control and let loose.”

Although nobody was harmed in the incident, several
bystanders lodged complaints with producers of the show, claiming Steenbern
displayed disregard for decency since there were children present. When Steenbern
lost control of his man-chowder, he dropped Frishmuth sculpture onto an oil
painting by Ralph Hedley previously appraised by him at nearly $40,000 and bumped uncontrollably into a Black
suffragette clockwork toy valued by him at nearly $8,000. 

Chelsea Farnsworth, owner of the sculpture, weighed in. “I was
really excited myself when I discovered the sculpture was valuable, but I
certainly wasn’t prepared for the appraiser when he blew his goo.”