PHILADELPHIA, Pa. – Fresh from a bitter divorce between parents Tom and Ashley Severenson, twelve year old Scotty, their only child, anticipates a “buttload” more gifts and presents on special holidays. “I’m so excited! Now that mom and dad are splitsville, that means I’ll get twice as many presents on the holidays. And better gifts too! They’ll be desperate to win my affection, so I’ll be able to play them off each other for the coolest, baddest toys on the market. Freakin’ sweet!” said a smirking Scotty.
Scotty’s plans include subtle manipulation of both parents in hopes of acquiring more cool gadgets and electrifying toys than any other kid in his demographic. “Before the divorce, mom was always buying me ‘practical’ gifts like socks and jackets and other dumbass crap. Now she’s going to have to use up those alimony payments and max out that Platinum Visa just to keep up with dad."
Although his mother Ashley had received full custody due to his father’s drinking habit, Scotty didn’t seem too interested in the lack of a full time father figure in his life, as he would be receiving all kinds of unbelievable stuff he wouldn’t have received otherwise. Since this upcoming December will be the first Christmas since the breakup, Scotty says he is angling to get an Xbox 360 from his father and a Playstation 3 from his mother. “Last year, I’d have been lucky to get a new cartridge for that dusty ol’ Nintendo 64. Now I’m gonna be the most popular kid on the block. Mom and dad breaking up is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, ever. Divorce rocks!”