A controversial new study has concluded that too much exposure to
country music leads young teenagers to pick up banjo at an
inappropriately early age. Whether it’s country, southern, Nashville, or bluegrass, the Appalachian
music teens listen to include banjo hooks, solos and
background work. Researchers contend that teens who listen regularly to
country music are three times more likely to begin banjo plucking
during adolescence than teens who listen to other musical genres like nu metal and hardcore gangsta rap.

“Teens who listen to tons of
country are receiving mixed messages. They are being told that at their age, banjo playing is not only
acceptable, but expected,” said Dr. John Faniani, research
fellow at the Institute for Moral Musicianship. “Instead of listening to music that encourages them to explore their
bodies and discover their sexual identities, these kids are locking
themselves in the bathroom and practicing six-string zither banjos.
It’s not appropriate for them to be into arpeggiating with their right hand at age 14. It’s shocking, really.”

Although banjo influenced music has been around for over a century, the influence of lascivious banjo entrepreneurs
like Jimmy Driftwood and David ‘Stringbean’ Akeman on today’s teens is
a growing concern. A resurgence in banjo-related obsessions in younger
demographics may be attributed to popular country stars of today like
Keith Urban, who peddle crossover instruments like the ‘banjitar‘ in their raunchy, banjo-riddled music.

Clinical psychologist Dr. Terrence Finkle agreed parents should be
worried. He noted that the average teen’s brain goes through a rapid
transformation during adolescence, and excessive banjo-ing during that time could have dire effects. “Children’s
interest in adult-oriented activities like banjo playing are directly
attributable to the music they’re listening to. Parents need to
moderate the kinds of music they let their kids download onto their
ipod. What are they doing listening to Earl Scruggs Foggy Mountain Breakdown anyway, when kids should be listening to stuff their peers are into, like Back That Ass Up and My Humps?”

Added Dr. Finkle, “Oh, those lovely lady lumps.”

PHILADELPHIA, PA- After spending nearly an hour on the dance floor at Butterfly Echo, a trendy
local nightclub, 34 year old Leroy McPherson finally had enough of the house
music bossing him around and demanding he perform specific tasks. “I’m just
tired of the music telling me what to do all the time. Move Your Body, Shout, Push it, Put Your Hands in the Air, Lean Back. For Fuck’s sake, I just came to the club to relax
and let off some steam,” said McPherson, an accounts
receivable clerk at a local trucking company. “I spend the whole day with my
manager breathing down my neck, I don’t need this kind of pressure. The last
thing I need is some music demanding I do this or that. Jesus H. Christ.”

Musicologists trace the origins of bossy, dictatorial music to square dancing,
where bombastic ringleaders coerce innocent bystanders to dance precisely the way they want them
to, with no other options available. The Bossy Music movement seemed to peak
with the song “Hokey Pokey”, where the music bullied and forced dancers to put
their body parts in and out of a circle in repetitive increments against their
will. “The least the song could do is ask nicely. Like, ‘Put your hands in the Air, If You Feel Like It’, ‘Walk This Way, Unless You’re Tired’, ‘Back that Ass
Up, Pretty Please.’ That’s all I ask, damnit,” said McPherson.

(UNASSOCIATED PRESS) WASHINGTON D.C. – During a recent statement to foreign
dignitaries, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced that the August
2006 release of Keven Federline’s album Playing with Fire would be considered an
outright “Declaration of War.” That the album will surely bomb combined with
the fact that the bomb will drop later this year has all but destroyed the
possibility of diplomatic discussions with Iran.

“Such unprovoked aggression by the United States would be completely unacceptable,”
declared Ahmadinejad from the steps of Ayatolla Khomeini’s tomb. “The Great
Satan must not let an untalented, mediocre hanger-on to jeopardize our livelihood. If the Federline unleashes his pollutants on us, we will be required to retaliate
with the Iron Fist of Allah’s Will.”

The recent development has threatened tentative talks amongst
the United States,
the European Union and Iran.
At stake is Iran’s
continued insistence on pursuing uranium enrichment, claiming it to be for use
as fuel in civilian nuclear power plants. The United States and other western countries fear it will be used to create nuclear
weapons which may be used against them. 

The talks have been on shaky ground for weeks, and many
insiders consider Federline’s album to be the straw that may break the camel’s
back. “Although the album is certain to be a big steaming pile crap, that it has
become the centerpiece of a mounting international crisis is quite unexpected,”
said an executive at a major music label.

Also at stake is the burgeoning career of Britney Spears’
husband. Despite the fact that it isn’t due to be released until later this
year, Kevin Federline’s upcoming album and its tracks have already garnered
ample negative publicity and mockery. Petey Pablo, the guest artist rumored to
appear on the album, has already fled the country to an undisclosed location to
wait out the attacks.


Ahmadinejad is not the only Iranian demanding a stop to
Federline’s musical career. Many Islamic critics have renounced the album’s
release as mean-spirited antagonism at a time when moderation is the key. In a
sense, with Playing with Fire, Federline is literally playing with fire.

“I don’t know what da big deal is, yo. I just wanna kick out
the dope ass rhymes and rhythmic flava fo da masses,” said a remarkably white
Federline while rubbing his nipple through the soiled wife-beater adorning his
torso. “What’s Tehran got against a
nice beat that’ll get the ladies a wigglin’ they booties on the dance floor? We
gotta get dose sweet ho’s outta dose burkhas somehows, yaknowhati’msayin’?”

Negotiations with Iran have been temporarily postponed as the focus of the UN Security Council has
turned to opening a dialogue with Federline’s agent. “If he releases the album,
the people of Iran will surely see it as an official act of war by the U.S. That damn wigger always fuckin’ things up,
with his gold diggin’ ass,” said European Union foreign policy chief Javier
Solana.

 

Someguy
SEATTLE, Wash. – Having received a DVD copy of The Godfather Part III for his birthday, 17
year old Seattle native Brian Engle
must decide whether or not to actually watch the shittiest of Francis Ford
Coppola’s sprawling, epic trilogy. “I’ve heard that it’s confusing, it drags,
and that Sofia Coppola takes a big dump all over the film with her pathetic
mugging.” Part three has long been criticized for being the most inferior and
unnecessary, known to some as the Joey Fatone of the Godfather films.

35f
Not the first time in his life he’s been forced to make tough
programming choices, Engle has often chosen putrid entertainment based on name
recognition alone. “I loved Mark Wahlberg in The Italian Job, so when my sister
pulled out You Gotta Believe by Markie Mark and the Funky Bunch, I was like
ayyyight. But Daaaaaamn, I got a hernia from trying to chew my ears off.” When asked if he listened to the entire album anyway, Engle responded, "Of course."

Engle has also used his dismal taste in entertainment to
avoid real life decisions. Last week he put off calling his girlfriend of two and a half
years to apologize for ignoring her after getting sucked into a 7 hour long Real World
marathon. “It wasn’t even one of the good series. It was fuckin’ London
for God’s sake. Still, it was better than the alternative,” said Engle as he
slipped the Godfather DVD into his entertainment system’s player. "Oh, check out this commercial. I hate it, it sucks so much. Can’t stand it. Hold on, shut up, it’s not finished yet…"

 

LOS ANGELES, Calif. – Heralded as a triumph for handicapped people across the world, tone deaf
performers who can’t sing or play musical instruments have found unparalleled
success in the music industry airwaves. According to community activists, a
major cultural shift in the public’s views over the last two decades has opened
doors for intolerably tone deaf performers to succeed musically.


“Beyond a doubt, it’s one of the most inspiring stories. These
artists have come to symbolize strength over adversity and the will to succeed
despite being terrible at what they do. It’s amazing what they’ve accomplished
in the face of honest to God musical incompetency,” said Dominic Stevinson,
national spokesman for the Special Olympics. “What sweet little troopers. I mean, not one of them can hold a tune if their life depended on it. Not even Jingle Bells. Slurred speech, mumbling, poor English. They’re proof that you don’t have to have an ounce of skill in your field to find success. Truly a shining
example for future generations of handicapped people.”

Trends indicate that the success of aspiring musical
performers no longer hinges on attributes like talent, musical ability, understanding
of music theory or even melodic knowledge. Regional director of the Lowenstein
Music Foundation, Wan Hitomi, agrees. “With the ascendancy of technology like
sequencers, samplers and pitch machines, we can make the howls of a diseased
kitten sound like Pavarotti. You don’t have to be able to play the piano or saxophone. Some 8 year old with a laptop can out-diddy P-Diddy.”

A recent Gallup poll also shed some light on the loosening attitudes of the public towards musical
artists. When asked what was most important in choosing musicians to listen to,
only 9% of respondents said ‘musical talent’. Conversely, 12% indicated ‘cleavage’, and 73% responded with ‘amount of bling in they grill’.

“The glass ceiling has finally been shattered,” said BMG publicist
Julia Blackwell while wiping tears from her eyes. “The legacy of dreadfully unskilled,
tone deaf visionaries like Tone Loc and Biz Markie has finally come to fruition
in our generation. It’s truly a blessing to know the music industry is no
longer prejudiced against people just because they aren’t good at, you know, the
music part. Everyone gets a shot.”

This achievement has not gone unheralded in other fields.
The huge strides handicapped music performers have accomplished has given hope
to other groups striving to succeed in fields where they’re highly unqualified.
A growing number of eunuchs have lobbied to join the porn industry. Also included
in the growing list of those inspired to overcome adversity are grossly overweight ballet performers, narcoleptic sky dive instructors
and Keanu Reeves.

“In a world of uncertainty, it’s heartwarming to know that it doesn’t matter that I stink to high heaven at what I do. Not important. We can all find solace in the fact
that the world will still let us succeed at something we totally suck at,” said Stevinson.

 

AURORA, Ill. – When 45 year old Thomas Trevino tried to describe his ex-wife
Debbie as “a broken record”, his 13 year old daughter Becky only looked at him
bewildered, having no idea what the hell he was talking about. “Dad said mom
was, like, a record or something. What, like in sports? Mom’s breaking a record
like in basketball or something?”

Trying to illustrate how the details of the
now outdated circular medium for listening to recorded music, Trevino resorted
to wild gestures and frantic gesticulations which only further frustrated his
already annoyed daughter. “No, see a record was round and it was like a cd only
a lot bigger. To listen to the music you put a needle down on it and if it got
scratched or lint got on it sometimes it would get stuck and repeat the same
section over and over…” wailed an exasperated Trevino.

“Whatever. What do
needles have to do with music? I wish he would just shut up. Gawd, I want to go
live with mom,” said Becky with a grimace. Experts believe Trevino might have
had a fighting chance of getting Becky to comprehend if he had described her
mother as “skipping like a poorly transferred mp3”, “looped like a boring
hip-hop track” or was “like watching the same episode of Friends over and
over.”

White Performer Wins Award

Reese

PASADENA, Ca. As
anticipated, southern, white actress Reese Witherspoon took the Oscar for Best Actress during the 78th Annual Academy Awards. Though flustered, a
radiant Witherspoon made it to the stage, was given the statue and cordially
thanked the Academy for their gift. “We think Reese was the perfect choice to
receive the Oscar,” said president of the  of Academy of Arts and Sciences Sid Ganis. “It
was an honor to bestow the statue to such a deserving winner and we hope to be
her benefactor again in the near future.” Critics hailed Witherspoon as a very
deserving nominee and some went so far as to express their hope that this
beautiful, caucasian free spirit has more awards lavished upon her in years to come.

Black Performers Steal Award

Three_6_mafia_1_1
PASADENA, Ca. – A
gang of black rappers named Three 6 Mafia stole the Oscar for “best song” up from
under the noses of the other nominees. Upon hearing their names, the African
American performers immediately ransacked the stage to seize the award, made a few brief statements,
and ran off to make their getaway. “It was like being struck by a sledgehammer,” said president
of the Academy of Arts
and Sciences Sid Ganis. “It was the surprise of the night and we were in utter
shock. Those thugs stomped up on stage, knocked us upside the head and snatched
the award before we knew what hit us.” Critics called it the biggest shanghai
since black performers Denzel Washington and Halle Berry
fleeced the Oscars several years previously.