WASHINGTON, D.C. – As a result of several years of poor decision-making and failed policy as Commander In Chief, top Bush administration officials speaking off the record verified that President Bush’s Magic 8-Ball was confiscated early yesterday morning.

The covert operation occurred at approximately 5:30 a.m., not long before Bush’s early morning jog. Although the president was caught off guard and held down by secret service agents, initial reports indicate it took six aides, three cabinet members, seven lobbyists and a senator nearly twenty minutes to finally pry the prized decision-making tool from Bush’s tight grip.

Administration advisors have long privately blamed Bush’s inability to make timely and appropriate decisions on his excessive dependence on the answers given to him by the novelty ball. Karl Rove has insinuated recently that Bush’s bungled response to Hurricane Katrina may have been the result of the 8-Ball getting stuck on “Ask Again Later.”

After the fortune-telling toy was retrieved, Bush reportedly fell to the floor in the Oval Office and threw a prolonged tantrum. “What’m I gonna do now?” allegedly screamed a tear-stained Bush, “I need my trusty 8-Ball with its rock solid answers to tough questions, or else I won’t be a good Decider.”

Those  involved with the magic ball reconnaissance mission have declined comment, although rumor has it the magical question answering oracle was hidden somewhere in the Library of Congress, a location most administration officials agree Bush would never set foot . When asked if Bush would speak about the alleged incident anytime soon, White House spokesman Tony Snow appeared shaken, replying, “Don’t Count on it. Cannot Predict Now. Outlook not so good. Better not tell you now.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an interesting twist to freedom of speech, protesters of those protesting Bush’s foreign policy towards Israel have been bombarded by protesters protesting those protesting the original protesters. “We’re not protesting the protesters who are protesting. Why would we protest them? What we’re against are the protesters protesting the protesters and that’s why we’re protesting the protesters who are protesting the protesters. Duh,” said counter-counter protest organizer Greg Klein. When asked if they agreed with the sentiments of the original protesters, Klein retorted, “We just want to show our solidarity by protesting against those who would protest against those who protest against Bush.”

Scientists believe that if this trend continues, and a counter protest to the counter protest protesting those who are counter protesting the protesters does in fact develop, it could have dire consequences to the space-time continuum. Explains Dr. Richard Sturgis, head of Theoretical Physics at MIT, “If the trend continues unabated, these protesters may invert upon themselves, much like when two mirrors face each other, causing an infinite spectrum of protesters in either direction. The sheer numbers could cause a buildup of dark matter and the eventual implosion of a major sector of the known universe.”

Despite these warnings, all the various protesters remain unwavering. Vigils, counter vigils, counter-counter vigils, and counter-counter-counter vigils are scheduled well into next Thursday. Although no violence amongst the conflicting protest groups has broken out, several had to leave due to headaches induced by trying to figure out what the hell they’re protesting against or for. “I don’t know what those guys are protesting our protest of the protesters, but we’re certainly not backing down” said a woman who identified herself as ‘Kathy’. “Shit, I can’t keep this straight. My head hurts.”

FT. LAUDERDALE, Flor. – In an attempt to shore up lagging poll numbers in her campaign for the Republican senatorial nomination, congresswoman Katherine Harris has decided to offer delicious, homemade cupcakes to anyone who will vote for her in the election. “It worked when I ran for treasurer in the 5th grade. My mom prepared these scrumptious double-chocolate and peanut butter delight cupcakes with extra frosting and rainbow sprinkles. We handed them out next to the slide on the school playground. Believe me, one bite and you’d have voted Stalin for dog catcher,” said Harris through her swollen, pouty lips and clown-school makeup.

Harris hopes her cupcakes will help her recover from a disastrous downward spiral, as Democratic incumbent Bill Nelson has pulled ahead by as many as 30 percentage points. Her Senate campaign has been riddled with vexing difficulties including problems with retaining volunteers, accusations of fraud, her sometimes gaudy appearance and an inability to deal with her own bizarre statements. While the effectiveness and legality of her cupcake tactic is still uncertain, Harris admits that if her poll numbers don’t improve she may have to up the ante. “I’ll like, totally make out with anyone who votes for me. With tongue. Seriously, meet me behind the bleachers.”

Ken_lay

ASPEN, Colorado – In what some analysts consider a brilliant maneuver, convicted corporate felon Kenneth Lay died of a heart attack on Wednesday, effectively avoiding the prison sentence and loads of ass rape that would have come with it. Mr. Lay was convicted recently of lying to regulators, investors and employees to shroud the inevitable financial crumbling of his massive energy company Enron.

“While we were satisfied with Mr. Lay’s guilty verdict, nothing can be done to restore the ruined lives of those who lost their pensions in Mr. Lay’s illegal schemes,” said a spokesman for a group of former Enron employees. “We were just hoping he’d live long enough to for his cellmate in Block D to give him a good fudge packing. Now Mr. Lay’s victims will never experience the sheer joy of knowing the man who ruined their lives is getting a violent ass pounding.”

Experts had unanimously agreed that Ken Lay would have likely been relegated to the position of “Bitch” in the prison hierarchy. As a result, Lay would have been forced to give sloppy blowjobs to whoever demanded them, as well as having to toss the salad of the uglier and smellier inmates. At the time of the heart attack Mr. Lay was out on $5 million dollar bail while awaiting sentencing, the money in his offshore accounts just enough to avoid endless butt reaming by dozens of angry inmates in the shower.  Although the true importance of Lay’s death tactic is uncertain, many historians already agree that dying was a unique way for Lay to avoid forced sodomy.

(UNASSOCIATED PRESS) WASHINGTON D.C. – During a recent statement to foreign
dignitaries, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced that the August
2006 release of Keven Federline’s album Playing with Fire would be considered an
outright “Declaration of War.” That the album will surely bomb combined with
the fact that the bomb will drop later this year has all but destroyed the
possibility of diplomatic discussions with Iran.

“Such unprovoked aggression by the United States would be completely unacceptable,”
declared Ahmadinejad from the steps of Ayatolla Khomeini’s tomb. “The Great
Satan must not let an untalented, mediocre hanger-on to jeopardize our livelihood. If the Federline unleashes his pollutants on us, we will be required to retaliate
with the Iron Fist of Allah’s Will.”

The recent development has threatened tentative talks amongst
the United States,
the European Union and Iran.
At stake is Iran’s
continued insistence on pursuing uranium enrichment, claiming it to be for use
as fuel in civilian nuclear power plants. The United States and other western countries fear it will be used to create nuclear
weapons which may be used against them. 

The talks have been on shaky ground for weeks, and many
insiders consider Federline’s album to be the straw that may break the camel’s
back. “Although the album is certain to be a big steaming pile crap, that it has
become the centerpiece of a mounting international crisis is quite unexpected,”
said an executive at a major music label.

Also at stake is the burgeoning career of Britney Spears’
husband. Despite the fact that it isn’t due to be released until later this
year, Kevin Federline’s upcoming album and its tracks have already garnered
ample negative publicity and mockery. Petey Pablo, the guest artist rumored to
appear on the album, has already fled the country to an undisclosed location to
wait out the attacks.


Ahmadinejad is not the only Iranian demanding a stop to
Federline’s musical career. Many Islamic critics have renounced the album’s
release as mean-spirited antagonism at a time when moderation is the key. In a
sense, with Playing with Fire, Federline is literally playing with fire.

“I don’t know what da big deal is, yo. I just wanna kick out
the dope ass rhymes and rhythmic flava fo da masses,” said a remarkably white
Federline while rubbing his nipple through the soiled wife-beater adorning his
torso. “What’s Tehran got against a
nice beat that’ll get the ladies a wigglin’ they booties on the dance floor? We
gotta get dose sweet ho’s outta dose burkhas somehows, yaknowhati’msayin’?”

Negotiations with Iran have been temporarily postponed as the focus of the UN Security Council has
turned to opening a dialogue with Federline’s agent. “If he releases the album,
the people of Iran will surely see it as an official act of war by the U.S. That damn wigger always fuckin’ things up,
with his gold diggin’ ass,” said European Union foreign policy chief Javier
Solana.

 

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an unexpected move, President Bush named the beloved and bespectacled Mr. Monopoly
Guy as the next Treasury Secretary, in hopes that the unanticipated nominee will
bring much needed credibility to an administration in crisis.

Mr. Monopoly Guy will replace John Snow, who had filled the Cabinet position
since 2003. Although both outgoing and incoming secretaries have had experience
heading up giant railroad companies, Monopoly Guy’s resume is far more
extensive. His broad and far-reaching experience spans decades, and includes
overseeing of several utility companies, supervision of numerous rental
properties, as well as the construction and management of mammoth hotels on the
famed Boardwalk and Park Place properties.

“Mr. Monopoly, or as I like to call him, Rich Uncle Pennybags, is supremely
qualified for this position in my Cabinet. He understands economic policy and
has a keen grasp of our initiatives. Plus, them top hats are so cool. I wanna
wear one of those, heh-heh-heh,” said Bush, referring to the headwear Mr. Monopoly has adorned
since he came into the public spotlight.

Mr. Monopoly was a major fundraiser for the 2004 Bush reelection, earning
the title “pioneer” for having earned over $100,000 dollars for the president’s
campaign. After several bank errors in his favor, that number rose to almost a
quarter of a million dollars. A previous scandal had several major economic
players accusing Mr. Monopoly of stealing from the till after he insisted on being
their “banker” during important transactions, although the charges were
eventually dropped.

Skeptics also remain unconvinced that Monopoly’s seasoned real estate
experience will translate well on Bush’s team. They cite his previous support
of draconian tax structure, including the school tax, income tax and poor tax.

“We’ve had decent growth in the private sector over the last two years. I
don’t see how adding a guy whom many associate with pure greed can help us in
an election year,” said one Bush Aide who wished to remain anonymous. “Plus,
the guy has no concept of inflation. Twenty-four bucks rent for a high end house in Marvin Gardens? Come on, what is this, 1936?”

Although sources are uncertain precisely how much influence Mr. Monopoly
will have on current economic policy, he has already made waves by presenting
$200 handouts to members of Congress every time they come around the block. He
also is alleged to have offered to trade Condaleeza Rice the deeds to his
Baltic and Mediterranean for her Washington apartment.

The Senate Finance Committee, headed by Chuck Grassley, R-Iowa, is anticipated
to schedule hearings for Mr. Monopoly in the not too distant future, and all indications point to an easy appointment. "He’s a wonderful nomination by Bush. He’ll be the only Treasury Secretary to ever have had his own float in the Macy’s Parade!" said Grassley.

“America’s
economic ascendancy was built on the backs of entrepreneurship and the natural competitiveness
of the private market,” said Mr. Monopoly at his nomination press conference. “Plus,
I promise everyone will get Free Parking.

Despite Mr. Monopoly’s resume, rumors abound that Bush appointed him to the position for the sole
purpose of retrieving his coveted “Get Out of Jail Free”
cards as an emergency bail out for fellow Republican cohorts combatting a recent slew of criminal indictments.

After facing another year of utterly dismal recruiting
numbers, the U.S. Army has decided call Beetle Bailey to active duty, sending all
capable soldiers from Camp Swampy directly to the front lines of Iraq as early
as June.

Despite promising retention numbers for the Army in 2006,
the possibility of a full out invasion of Iran in the near future has forced top Army officials to get creative in filling out
the dwindling military. “It was a difficult decision, to be sure,” said
Brigadier General George Oppenheimer. “But unless Bush brings back the draft,
tapping the gangly outcasts and blundering fools of Camp Swampy is our only choice. I just
hope they don’t fuck things up too bad.”


“I was as shocked as anybody when I got the call on
Tuesday,” said Beetles’ commanding officer General Amos Halftrack. “I was ogling Miss Buxley as she bent
over to collate some files, thinking of a way to get out of work so I could
swing a few in the back nine, when the phone rang. It was Central Command. All
I could think was, ‘Oh that’s just great. Martha’s gonna be so fucking pissed.’”

A veritable fixture at Camp Swampy, Bailey’s wacky hijinks have
brought joy and laughter to generations of Americans. Despite being enlisted
through the Cold War, the Korean War, Vietnam,
Desert Storm, Bosnia
as well as the countless military conflicts in between, Bailey had never been
called to serve his country on the battlefield until now. 


When informed of his superiors’ decision to deploy him,
Bailey was nonplussed. “I’m honored to serve, but I just don’t get it. I wanted
to spend the rest of my days sleeping in the shade, figuring out how to get out
of K.P. duty and getting beaten up by Sgt. Snorkel. Instead I guess I’ll have
to kill me some ragheads.”


For years Campy Swampy had gained the reputation of being
merely a holding pen for the Army’s idiots and outcasts. But recent reduction of Army standards
including a lowering of viable test scores and the easing of boot camp rigors has
prompted military officials to take a second look at Beetle Bailey and the
other misfits.

“Up until now, the thought of unleashing these morons during
real wartime situation would have been unthinkable. They’d have gotten stomped
like a Smurf in a moshpit for God’s sake. But desperate times have forced our hand. It’s not like this oddball bunch could screw up Iraq any worse than it already is," said General Oppenheimer, shaking his head. “We’re
doomed.”

No longer are sleazeballs like Killer Diller and prissy kiss-asses
like Lt. Fuzz last in line to help in the Iraq war. Cookie, the camp’s portly former cook, weighed in from his new job as a food
contractor for Halliburton. “I love those guys. It’ll be my honor to prepare
and serve em’ shitty food in Baghdad
for 10 times what I was paid at Swampy.” Even the camp pet, Otto, has gotten into the action, having
been recently called to Tikrit to be a mine sniffing canine. And when asked
about his impending tour of duty, Private Zero responded, “We’re going to Iraq? I ain’t got nothin’ to put on a rack.”

This action may be the first sign of things to come. The
Navy is rumored to be looking into bringing Captain Crunch back onto active
duty. “And we still can’t find Captain Kangaroo, who has gone AWOL on us, possibly fleeing to Canada with the rest of those pinko, socialist, America-hating liberals. Oh. He’s
dead?” added Oppenheimer, “My bad.”

WASHINGTON D.C. – In a hastily announced press conference early Monday afternoon, Rep. Troy
Carlsbad (R, Delaware) resigned amid a swirl of scandal and controversy to spend
time with some other family besides his own.

“I think it’s best for all involved if I spend time with a
different family, because like the rest of America, my own family seems to
think I’m a filthy, revolting slime-ball from hell,” said a glib Carlsbad while
standing next to the random Chinese family he plans to stay with indefinitely.


“Mr. and Mrs. Wong, little Chyou and Shing, and all the rest
of the Wong family, without your tireless support it would have been impossible
to make it through this tough ordeal. I hope to spend many months with you,
sleeping on your couch, eating your mushu, and laughing at your silly accents
until my own family decides to talk to me again,” said Carlsbad.

The Wongs nodded aggressively in agreement. "We rike Tloy velly velly much," said Mr. Wong. "He can stay with us untir the cows come home."

Carlsbad has
been plagued since early 2004 with a myriad of charges and allegations. Included
are several ethics investigations, accusations of fraud and embezzlement,
criminal indictments for blackmail and racketeering, drug stings, using taxpayer
funds to buy booze and hookers, controversial statements about “blackies”
caught on tape and involvement in lurid affairs with both female and male
staffers.

At the press conference, Carlsbad pleaded with his constituents to keep the faith. “My political enemies are
trying to destroy me. These allegations are baseless. All 179 of them.” The
vast litany of scandals that have overwhelmed Carlsbad has made it nearly impossible to retain a firm grasp of his voting base, and
his resignation is seen in political circles as a culmination of years of unapologetic bastardry and douche baggery.


Teresa, Carlsbad’s
third wife, was glad to see him finally go. “He’s not spending time with his
real family, that’s for sure. We don’t want anything to do with the lying,
cheating, infantile bum. Dragging our good name through the mud like that,
claiming he’s being framed by political foes, it’s unforgivable. I’m gonna take
him for all he’s worth in the divorce, and the kids too. I hope he rots in
hell.”

“We’ll patch things up,” said Carlsbad.
“It’s just a minor bump in the road.”

Ongoing legal travails and an almost certain divorce
guarantee crushing debt for the once wealthy Congressman. And yet Carlsbad didn’t seem too worried at the press conference, confident in the idea that
spending time with some other family will cure what ails him. He informed the
Wongs he plans to stay with them until the shame, disgrace, embarrassment,
indignity and humiliation pass, or he is offered a position as a commentator on
Fox News. “Whichever comes first,” added Carlsbad.

In a rare joint session of Congress, a new law was passed
late Thursday making it a federal crime to speak any language besides English
on American soil, causing immediate deportation of millions of naturally born
white Americans. As the end of Thursday’s session quickly approached, the
Republican controlled Congress put finishing touches on the Patriot Language
Act
which makes English the official language of the United State under penalty of law.

Under the directive, the INS now has the power to deport any
person in America caught using a language not resembling proper English to a
detention center in Guantanamo. The
IPA, the APA, and the editors of Webster’s Dictionary have all agreed to advise
the INS in this potentially monumental endeavor.

In addition to the expected roundup of Taco Bell drive-thru
attendants, the Act has already had several unintended effects. Most notably is
the upcoming deportation of the nation’s entire teen population. Millions of American ages 13-18 are scheduled to be rounded up and shipped to Cuba over the coming months as a result of not being able to put together a normal, grammatically correct sentence in English.The outcry may inspire protests even larger than the
immigration marches of the past few weeks.

“Like, that is sooooo wrong, oh my gawd. They’re, like
taking us to Cuba?
I’m totally not going to Mexico,
fer sure. I mean, like do they even have, like, a Gap there and stuff? As if.
Don’t even go there. Pshaw,” said 15 year old Britney Mayfield of Beverly Hills
High.

Another unintentional side affect of the new legislation was
the complete decimation of the entire rap industry.  INS officials have already taken into custody
some of the more pernicious non-English speaking offenders, including Snoop
Dogg, 50 Cent, Ludacris and Juvenile. As a result, MTV has suspended all
tapings of Total Request Live.

Said INS Commissioner James Ziglar, “Rounding up all the
non-English speaking rappers and hippity-hop artists was extremely simple. We
knew where they were, since 59% of all known rappers are already in prison."

Experts speculate that the next group of non-English speakers
to be targeted for deportation by the INS may be the more egregious offenders
of the internet community. “If you have ever instant messaged somebody with indecipherable
hieroglyphics of any sort, you will be taken into custody,” said Ziglar. “Who’s
l-o-l-ing
now?”

Critics of the ‘English Only’ law see it as a rash response
to the recent immigration debate. “It’s obviously a ploy by Republican
lawmakers to appeal to their base,” said ACLU spokesman John Bernard. “Being a
patriotic American is not predicated on whether or not you end a sentence with
a preposition or leave participles dangling all the time.”

Said one angry detainee after being confined to an INS cell
for deportation, “Awwwwww, hell no. This ain’t right, yo. Naw, fo sho. Theyz
all up in my bidness when day be comin’ up in my crib and take me and my
shortie for a ride. We are izzal mad, dawg, gettin’ yo ass thrown outta
da stizzates fo mutilatin’ da language n’ shit. Naw, I ain’t havin’ dat, ya know what I’m sayin’? Fo real.

Sponsor of the bill, Congressman James Sensenbrenner of Wisconsin, was unrepentant
for what he called “a boon for the real Americans. Some whiners may say that
rounding up and deporting everyone who doesn’t speak English is too drastic.
But that’s pre-9/11 thinking. These people cannot be tolerated any longer. If you
live in America
you had better speak English. Capisce?” 


After signing the legislation into law, President Bush
declared, “Our nation’s long nightmare is finally over. At long last we have
one, single national language that can unite us from sea to shining sea. So now
when I ask the question ‘is our children learning?’ Americans can be confident
that the answer is ‘Yes. Yes they is.’” CNN reports that they acquired tape
showing that immediately after his speech, Bush was apprehended by INS
officials for questioning.