TUSCON,  Ariz. –
The Surgeon General released a new study revealing that prolonged exposure
to public areas with girls wearing clothes with words on them may lead you to
become a dirty, dirty pervert.

“Check out that fine ass. It says Hottie. She is so damn fine, I’d like to take that and…..Ugghh! That
chick’s like 11 or something. Great, I’m going to hell,” said Ricky, a hot dog
vendor on a local Tuscon street.

He, like many innocent bystanders, have gotten increasingly caught up in the moment, allowing literacy to turn him into a nasty old creep.Although scientists and educators previously thought the promotion
of words on fashion apparel could lead to higher rates of literacy, they have
since come to a consensus that such endorsement could lead onlookers to filthy
and depraved thoughts.

Most egregious of the examples is the Juicy Couture, a label
that emblazons sexy words on the back of its tight, sexy and form-fitting
apparel. “AAaaack!” cried one man at the Springwood Village Mall in downtown
Tuscon, “The words monogrammed on that girl’s pink spandex shorts forced me to
stare at her voluptuous butt for at least 10 seconds longer than I would have
normally. She’s like 12 or 13 for God’s sake! I’m appalled, frankly.”

The Surgeon General urged parents to resist the temptation to
allow their children to dress as whores in training, especially with English
words on the mammary or posterior areas. “You may think you’re promoting literacy,
but you’re really just turning otherwise normal men into a bunch of sleazy old coots.”