WASHINGTON, D.C. – As a result of several years of poor decision-making and failed policy as Commander In Chief, top Bush administration officials speaking off the record verified that President Bush’s Magic 8-Ball was confiscated early yesterday morning.

The covert operation occurred at approximately 5:30 a.m., not long before Bush’s early morning jog. Although the president was caught off guard and held down by secret service agents, initial reports indicate it took six aides, three cabinet members, seven lobbyists and a senator nearly twenty minutes to finally pry the prized decision-making tool from Bush’s tight grip.

Administration advisors have long privately blamed Bush’s inability to make timely and appropriate decisions on his excessive dependence on the answers given to him by the novelty ball. Karl Rove has insinuated recently that Bush’s bungled response to Hurricane Katrina may have been the result of the 8-Ball getting stuck on “Ask Again Later.”

After the fortune-telling toy was retrieved, Bush reportedly fell to the floor in the Oval Office and threw a prolonged tantrum. “What’m I gonna do now?” allegedly screamed a tear-stained Bush, “I need my trusty 8-Ball with its rock solid answers to tough questions, or else I won’t be a good Decider.”

Those  involved with the magic ball reconnaissance mission have declined comment, although rumor has it the magical question answering oracle was hidden somewhere in the Library of Congress, a location most administration officials agree Bush would never set foot . When asked if Bush would speak about the alleged incident anytime soon, White House spokesman Tony Snow appeared shaken, replying, “Don’t Count on it. Cannot Predict Now. Outlook not so good. Better not tell you now.”

HAVANA, Cuba – After undergoing gastrointestinal surgery in Cuba, 80 year old communist dictator Fidel Castro immediately contacted several major league baseball teams to test the feasibility of trading some of his top baseball prospects for a good doctor. “Please, after oppressing my people for years, I cannot trust my own doctors. They’re incompetent. They would leave their watch in me when they sew me up…that is, if they could afford watches.”

Castro added, “What do you need? Shortstops? We’ve got those. Outfielders? Home run hitters? Need to shore up your bullpen? Please, just send me somebody from Johns Hopkins in return, I beg of you. Dios Mio, it hurts!” 

Although several baseball teams have shown interest in acquiring Cuban prospects, most expressed doubt that a deal could be ironed out before the trade deadline. George Steinbrenner of the New York Yankees has been emailing acting president Raul Castro with trade options. But Steinbrenner wasn’t optimistic. “We could give Fidel a sports medicine specialist or two, but what’s the point? All the top picks’ll come over on a raft next year anyway.”

Several Bush administration officials stated that the President, a former owner of the Texas Rangers baseball team, might be interested in personally ironing out a deal.  “We’d even throw in a few TV doctors too. How about Doogie Howser? Or better yet, George Clooney. He was on ER. We’d love to kick his ass to Cuba once and for all,” said administration spokesman Tony Snow. 

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an interesting twist to freedom of speech, protesters of those protesting Bush’s foreign policy towards Israel have been bombarded by protesters protesting those protesting the original protesters. “We’re not protesting the protesters who are protesting. Why would we protest them? What we’re against are the protesters protesting the protesters and that’s why we’re protesting the protesters who are protesting the protesters. Duh,” said counter-counter protest organizer Greg Klein. When asked if they agreed with the sentiments of the original protesters, Klein retorted, “We just want to show our solidarity by protesting against those who would protest against those who protest against Bush.”

Scientists believe that if this trend continues, and a counter protest to the counter protest protesting those who are counter protesting the protesters does in fact develop, it could have dire consequences to the space-time continuum. Explains Dr. Richard Sturgis, head of Theoretical Physics at MIT, “If the trend continues unabated, these protesters may invert upon themselves, much like when two mirrors face each other, causing an infinite spectrum of protesters in either direction. The sheer numbers could cause a buildup of dark matter and the eventual implosion of a major sector of the known universe.”

Despite these warnings, all the various protesters remain unwavering. Vigils, counter vigils, counter-counter vigils, and counter-counter-counter vigils are scheduled well into next Thursday. Although no violence amongst the conflicting protest groups has broken out, several had to leave due to headaches induced by trying to figure out what the hell they’re protesting against or for. “I don’t know what those guys are protesting our protest of the protesters, but we’re certainly not backing down” said a woman who identified herself as ‘Kathy’. “Shit, I can’t keep this straight. My head hurts.”

FT. LAUDERDALE, Flor. – In an attempt to shore up lagging poll numbers in her campaign for the Republican senatorial nomination, congresswoman Katherine Harris has decided to offer delicious, homemade cupcakes to anyone who will vote for her in the election. “It worked when I ran for treasurer in the 5th grade. My mom prepared these scrumptious double-chocolate and peanut butter delight cupcakes with extra frosting and rainbow sprinkles. We handed them out next to the slide on the school playground. Believe me, one bite and you’d have voted Stalin for dog catcher,” said Harris through her swollen, pouty lips and clown-school makeup.

Harris hopes her cupcakes will help her recover from a disastrous downward spiral, as Democratic incumbent Bill Nelson has pulled ahead by as many as 30 percentage points. Her Senate campaign has been riddled with vexing difficulties including problems with retaining volunteers, accusations of fraud, her sometimes gaudy appearance and an inability to deal with her own bizarre statements. While the effectiveness and legality of her cupcake tactic is still uncertain, Harris admits that if her poll numbers don’t improve she may have to up the ante. “I’ll like, totally make out with anyone who votes for me. With tongue. Seriously, meet me behind the bleachers.”


(UNASSOCIATED PRESS) – The feeding tube of renowned killer Jason Voorhees, the man in the middle of a bitter moral and legal battle that has drawn national attention, was removed by state officials on Tuesday at the behest of the families of his numerous victims. Voorhees had been in a persistent vegetative state for nine years after being discovered unconscious and in a coma at the bottom of Crystal Lake.

It was a dramatic moment that encapsulated the extreme emotions on all sides of the struggle to decide the fate of the infamous boogeyman. The controversy has endured nine years of arduous court battles, and had taken its toll on the families of the victims of Voorhees’ alleged bloodlust and wrath.

At 2:15 p.m. on Tuesday, doctors removed the feeding tube from Jason’s grey, moldy forearm, placing it gently next to the flowers of well wishers and his famed hockey mask on the counter by his hospital bed. Without liquid nourishment, Jason could still remain alive for two to four weeks before dying of dehydration.

This may be the last chapter in the onerous saga that began almost 50 years ago when Jason Voorhees drowned in Crystal Lake as careless teenage camp counselors had sexual relations. Although the details of the last half century are vague and contradictory, most experts agree that numerous violent and bloody battles had left him with permanent brain damage.

After being retrieved from the bottom of Crystal Lake nine years ago, a dozen doctors have consistently diagnosed him to be in a persistent vegetative state. The controversy developed a life of its own since Jason left no living will describing his desires, rarely speaking of such wishes to anyone.

Some have claimed that Jason would not have wanted to be kept alive artificially and that it should be removed so he may pass on. Fans of the serial killer and Right-to-Life activists have fought to keep his feeding tube attached, declaring his condition could improve with the right rehabilitation.

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A spokesman for the families involved in the killing sprees expressed relief at a hastily prepared press conference. “We’ve battled long and hard to get to this point, but we’re satisfied with the court’s decision. Jason will not be kept alive through a tube. We know he’s been killed numerous times before. But this time it’s different. He’s not coming back. We can finally rest at ease. Nope. Nu-uh. No chance of him coming back from the dead this time. He’s dead forever. Yep.”

The families’ spokesman elaborated on their plans to file lawsuits in civil court on behalf of the 144 victims allegedly murdered by Jason over a period of 26 years if the feeding tube is reattached.

They may seek restitution for Jason’s alleged butchery, which includes accusations of triple decapitation, machete hacking, head crushing, bludgeoning with a wrench, throat slashing, eye gouging, drowning, strangulation, as well as impalement with various objects including knives, spears, mirror chards, pitchforks, knitting needles, fireplace pokers, axes, railroad spikes, corkscrews, meat cleavers, garden shears and harpoons.

Andrew McMullan, lawyer for the Voorhees Estate vowed the battle was not over. “We hope to make an emergency appeal the 11th U.S. Circuit’s decision. The clock is ticking. Do these people have no compassion? Jason is starving to death right now. That’s somebody’s son suffering in the hospital. Are they heartless?”

“Well, we know at least one of Jason’s victims is heartless- Jason ripped his heart right out of his chest!” said Thomas Stanton, father of Suzi, a teenage girl Jason allegedly stabbed with a spear while on a Senior Class boat trip in 1989.

In an ironic twist, the actions of Congress have only reinforced the opinion of many who believe Jason Voorhees’ fate is being exploited for political purposes. The House of Representatives convened in an emergency session to pass legislation overriding the state court’s decision.

Said House Majority Leader John Boehner, “We need to save Jason. He can’t suffer a slow death through starvation. We want him to live, so way we can try him for all those murders. Then we can give him the electric chair. We can’t let activist judges take away the fun of murdering that son of a bitch ourselves!”

After being informed electrocution had previously reanimated Jason from the dead twice already, Boehner seemed confused. “Well that doesn’t make any sense at all. Wait, what? He drowned in 1957, right? How many times has he risen from the dead? Nine, ten times at least, right? How in the hell could electricity possibly…ah, fuck it.”

The dispute over Vorhees’ feeding tube follows quickly on the heels of other high profile cases involving famous killers. Most notably are the Leprechaun’s successful discrimination lawsuit after Cedar Point refused him admission to several roller coasters, Chucky from Child’s Play being tried as a minor for his crimes, and the Supreme Court’s ruling in favor of Freddy Krueger in Krueger v. Duraflame.

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ASPEN, Colorado – In what some analysts consider a brilliant maneuver, convicted corporate felon Kenneth Lay died of a heart attack on Wednesday, effectively avoiding the prison sentence and loads of ass rape that would have come with it. Mr. Lay was convicted recently of lying to regulators, investors and employees to shroud the inevitable financial crumbling of his massive energy company Enron.

“While we were satisfied with Mr. Lay’s guilty verdict, nothing can be done to restore the ruined lives of those who lost their pensions in Mr. Lay’s illegal schemes,” said a spokesman for a group of former Enron employees. “We were just hoping he’d live long enough to for his cellmate in Block D to give him a good fudge packing. Now Mr. Lay’s victims will never experience the sheer joy of knowing the man who ruined their lives is getting a violent ass pounding.”

Experts had unanimously agreed that Ken Lay would have likely been relegated to the position of “Bitch” in the prison hierarchy. As a result, Lay would have been forced to give sloppy blowjobs to whoever demanded them, as well as having to toss the salad of the uglier and smellier inmates. At the time of the heart attack Mr. Lay was out on $5 million dollar bail while awaiting sentencing, the money in his offshore accounts just enough to avoid endless butt reaming by dozens of angry inmates in the shower.  Although the true importance of Lay’s death tactic is uncertain, many historians already agree that dying was a unique way for Lay to avoid forced sodomy.

(UNASSOCIATED PRESS) – Following the push to replace Franklin Roosevelt’s head on the dime with Ronald Reagan’s, supporters of former president Bill Clinton hope to mandate all U.S. strip clubs place Clinton’s head on their funny money. 

Most upscale gentlemen’s clubs offer patrons the choice of converting their dollar bills to ‘strip club dollars’. It is fake or funny money that bares a resemblance to legal tender but is instead printed on colorful paper with the strip club’s logo. “It’s a fun way to involve the customers and snatch more of their cash. Plus it cracks down on counterfeit bills,” says Benny Taglioni, manager of Boner Appetit’s, a New Jersey strip club.

The proposed legislation would require each club’s dollar bills to include a portrait or photograph of Bill Clinton in a similar fashion to the pictures of past leaders on legal paper money. The clubs could simply accentuate the pictures on their existing dollars, which are often riddled with provocative pictures, bare-ass naked woman, exposed boobs, and strippers in obscene poses.

“It’s a great idea,” says sponsor of the bill Jeffrey Kierkegaard, D-Maryland. “Every time someone is getting a lapdance from Jasmine, the Perfect 10 with the 36 DD’s, Slick Willy’s face will be there to remind us of our freedom. His mug will remind us of the roaring 90’s, when the Cold War was over, everyone was making money, and the worst thing we had to worry about was a president getting a hummer from a fat girl.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an unexpected move, President Bush named the beloved and bespectacled Mr. Monopoly
Guy as the next Treasury Secretary, in hopes that the unanticipated nominee will
bring much needed credibility to an administration in crisis.

Mr. Monopoly Guy will replace John Snow, who had filled the Cabinet position
since 2003. Although both outgoing and incoming secretaries have had experience
heading up giant railroad companies, Monopoly Guy’s resume is far more
extensive. His broad and far-reaching experience spans decades, and includes
overseeing of several utility companies, supervision of numerous rental
properties, as well as the construction and management of mammoth hotels on the
famed Boardwalk and Park Place properties.

“Mr. Monopoly, or as I like to call him, Rich Uncle Pennybags, is supremely
qualified for this position in my Cabinet. He understands economic policy and
has a keen grasp of our initiatives. Plus, them top hats are so cool. I wanna
wear one of those, heh-heh-heh,” said Bush, referring to the headwear Mr. Monopoly has adorned
since he came into the public spotlight.

Mr. Monopoly was a major fundraiser for the 2004 Bush reelection, earning
the title “pioneer” for having earned over $100,000 dollars for the president’s
campaign. After several bank errors in his favor, that number rose to almost a
quarter of a million dollars. A previous scandal had several major economic
players accusing Mr. Monopoly of stealing from the till after he insisted on being
their “banker” during important transactions, although the charges were
eventually dropped.

Skeptics also remain unconvinced that Monopoly’s seasoned real estate
experience will translate well on Bush’s team. They cite his previous support
of draconian tax structure, including the school tax, income tax and poor tax.

“We’ve had decent growth in the private sector over the last two years. I
don’t see how adding a guy whom many associate with pure greed can help us in
an election year,” said one Bush Aide who wished to remain anonymous. “Plus,
the guy has no concept of inflation. Twenty-four bucks rent for a high end house in Marvin Gardens? Come on, what is this, 1936?”

Although sources are uncertain precisely how much influence Mr. Monopoly
will have on current economic policy, he has already made waves by presenting
$200 handouts to members of Congress every time they come around the block. He
also is alleged to have offered to trade Condaleeza Rice the deeds to his
Baltic and Mediterranean for her Washington apartment.

The Senate Finance Committee, headed by Chuck Grassley, R-Iowa, is anticipated
to schedule hearings for Mr. Monopoly in the not too distant future, and all indications point to an easy appointment. "He’s a wonderful nomination by Bush. He’ll be the only Treasury Secretary to ever have had his own float in the Macy’s Parade!" said Grassley.

“America’s
economic ascendancy was built on the backs of entrepreneurship and the natural competitiveness
of the private market,” said Mr. Monopoly at his nomination press conference. “Plus,
I promise everyone will get Free Parking.

Despite Mr. Monopoly’s resume, rumors abound that Bush appointed him to the position for the sole
purpose of retrieving his coveted “Get Out of Jail Free”
cards as an emergency bail out for fellow Republican cohorts combatting a recent slew of criminal indictments.

After facing another year of utterly dismal recruiting
numbers, the U.S. Army has decided call Beetle Bailey to active duty, sending all
capable soldiers from Camp Swampy directly to the front lines of Iraq as early
as June.

Despite promising retention numbers for the Army in 2006,
the possibility of a full out invasion of Iran in the near future has forced top Army officials to get creative in filling out
the dwindling military. “It was a difficult decision, to be sure,” said
Brigadier General George Oppenheimer. “But unless Bush brings back the draft,
tapping the gangly outcasts and blundering fools of Camp Swampy is our only choice. I just
hope they don’t fuck things up too bad.”


“I was as shocked as anybody when I got the call on
Tuesday,” said Beetles’ commanding officer General Amos Halftrack. “I was ogling Miss Buxley as she bent
over to collate some files, thinking of a way to get out of work so I could
swing a few in the back nine, when the phone rang. It was Central Command. All
I could think was, ‘Oh that’s just great. Martha’s gonna be so fucking pissed.’”

A veritable fixture at Camp Swampy, Bailey’s wacky hijinks have
brought joy and laughter to generations of Americans. Despite being enlisted
through the Cold War, the Korean War, Vietnam,
Desert Storm, Bosnia
as well as the countless military conflicts in between, Bailey had never been
called to serve his country on the battlefield until now. 


When informed of his superiors’ decision to deploy him,
Bailey was nonplussed. “I’m honored to serve, but I just don’t get it. I wanted
to spend the rest of my days sleeping in the shade, figuring out how to get out
of K.P. duty and getting beaten up by Sgt. Snorkel. Instead I guess I’ll have
to kill me some ragheads.”


For years Campy Swampy had gained the reputation of being
merely a holding pen for the Army’s idiots and outcasts. But recent reduction of Army standards
including a lowering of viable test scores and the easing of boot camp rigors has
prompted military officials to take a second look at Beetle Bailey and the
other misfits.

“Up until now, the thought of unleashing these morons during
real wartime situation would have been unthinkable. They’d have gotten stomped
like a Smurf in a moshpit for God’s sake. But desperate times have forced our hand. It’s not like this oddball bunch could screw up Iraq any worse than it already is," said General Oppenheimer, shaking his head. “We’re
doomed.”

No longer are sleazeballs like Killer Diller and prissy kiss-asses
like Lt. Fuzz last in line to help in the Iraq war. Cookie, the camp’s portly former cook, weighed in from his new job as a food
contractor for Halliburton. “I love those guys. It’ll be my honor to prepare
and serve em’ shitty food in Baghdad
for 10 times what I was paid at Swampy.” Even the camp pet, Otto, has gotten into the action, having
been recently called to Tikrit to be a mine sniffing canine. And when asked
about his impending tour of duty, Private Zero responded, “We’re going to Iraq? I ain’t got nothin’ to put on a rack.”

This action may be the first sign of things to come. The
Navy is rumored to be looking into bringing Captain Crunch back onto active
duty. “And we still can’t find Captain Kangaroo, who has gone AWOL on us, possibly fleeing to Canada with the rest of those pinko, socialist, America-hating liberals. Oh. He’s
dead?” added Oppenheimer, “My bad.”