LOS ANGELES, Calif. – Heralded as a triumph for handicapped people across the world, tone deaf
performers who can’t sing or play musical instruments have found unparalleled
success in the music industry airwaves. According to community activists, a
major cultural shift in the public’s views over the last two decades has opened
doors for intolerably tone deaf performers to succeed musically.

“Beyond a doubt, it’s one of the most inspiring stories. These
artists have come to symbolize strength over adversity and the will to succeed
despite being terrible at what they do. It’s amazing what they’ve accomplished
in the face of honest to God musical incompetency,” said Dominic Stevinson,
national spokesman for the Special Olympics. “What sweet little troopers. I mean, not one of them can hold a tune if their life depended on it. Not even Jingle Bells. Slurred speech, mumbling, poor English. They’re proof that you don’t have to have an ounce of skill in your field to find success. Truly a shining
example for future generations of handicapped people.”

Trends indicate that the success of aspiring musical
performers no longer hinges on attributes like talent, musical ability, understanding
of music theory or even melodic knowledge. Regional director of the Lowenstein
Music Foundation, Wan Hitomi, agrees. “With the ascendancy of technology like
sequencers, samplers and pitch machines, we can make the howls of a diseased
kitten sound like Pavarotti. You don’t have to be able to play the piano or saxophone. Some 8 year old with a laptop can out-diddy P-Diddy.”

A recent Gallup poll also shed some light on the loosening attitudes of the public towards musical
artists. When asked what was most important in choosing musicians to listen to,
only 9% of respondents said ‘musical talent’. Conversely, 12% indicated ‘cleavage’, and 73% responded with ‘amount of bling in they grill’.

“The glass ceiling has finally been shattered,” said BMG publicist
Julia Blackwell while wiping tears from her eyes. “The legacy of dreadfully unskilled,
tone deaf visionaries like Tone Loc and Biz Markie has finally come to fruition
in our generation. It’s truly a blessing to know the music industry is no
longer prejudiced against people just because they aren’t good at, you know, the
music part. Everyone gets a shot.”

This achievement has not gone unheralded in other fields.
The huge strides handicapped music performers have accomplished has given hope
to other groups striving to succeed in fields where they’re highly unqualified.
A growing number of eunuchs have lobbied to join the porn industry. Also included
in the growing list of those inspired to overcome adversity are grossly overweight ballet performers, narcoleptic sky dive instructors
and Keanu Reeves.

“In a world of uncertainty, it’s heartwarming to know that it doesn’t matter that I stink to high heaven at what I do. Not important. We can all find solace in the fact
that the world will still let us succeed at something we totally suck at,” said Stevinson.


In a rare joint session of Congress, a new law was passed
late Thursday making it a federal crime to speak any language besides English
on American soil, causing immediate deportation of millions of naturally born
white Americans. As the end of Thursday’s session quickly approached, the
Republican controlled Congress put finishing touches on the Patriot Language
which makes English the official language of the United State under penalty of law.

Under the directive, the INS now has the power to deport any
person in America caught using a language not resembling proper English to a
detention center in Guantanamo. The
IPA, the APA, and the editors of Webster’s Dictionary have all agreed to advise
the INS in this potentially monumental endeavor.

In addition to the expected roundup of Taco Bell drive-thru
attendants, the Act has already had several unintended effects. Most notably is
the upcoming deportation of the nation’s entire teen population. Millions of American ages 13-18 are scheduled to be rounded up and shipped to Cuba over the coming months as a result of not being able to put together a normal, grammatically correct sentence in English.The outcry may inspire protests even larger than the
immigration marches of the past few weeks.

“Like, that is sooooo wrong, oh my gawd. They’re, like
taking us to Cuba?
I’m totally not going to Mexico,
fer sure. I mean, like do they even have, like, a Gap there and stuff? As if.
Don’t even go there. Pshaw,” said 15 year old Britney Mayfield of Beverly Hills

Another unintentional side affect of the new legislation was
the complete decimation of the entire rap industry.  INS officials have already taken into custody
some of the more pernicious non-English speaking offenders, including Snoop
Dogg, 50 Cent, Ludacris and Juvenile. As a result, MTV has suspended all
tapings of Total Request Live.

Said INS Commissioner James Ziglar, “Rounding up all the
non-English speaking rappers and hippity-hop artists was extremely simple. We
knew where they were, since 59% of all known rappers are already in prison."

Experts speculate that the next group of non-English speakers
to be targeted for deportation by the INS may be the more egregious offenders
of the internet community. “If you have ever instant messaged somebody with indecipherable
hieroglyphics of any sort, you will be taken into custody,” said Ziglar. “Who’s

Critics of the ‘English Only’ law see it as a rash response
to the recent immigration debate. “It’s obviously a ploy by Republican
lawmakers to appeal to their base,” said ACLU spokesman John Bernard. “Being a
patriotic American is not predicated on whether or not you end a sentence with
a preposition or leave participles dangling all the time.”

Said one angry detainee after being confined to an INS cell
for deportation, “Awwwwww, hell no. This ain’t right, yo. Naw, fo sho. Theyz
all up in my bidness when day be comin’ up in my crib and take me and my
shortie for a ride. We are izzal mad, dawg, gettin’ yo ass thrown outta
da stizzates fo mutilatin’ da language n’ shit. Naw, I ain’t havin’ dat, ya know what I’m sayin’? Fo real.

Sponsor of the bill, Congressman James Sensenbrenner of Wisconsin, was unrepentant
for what he called “a boon for the real Americans. Some whiners may say that
rounding up and deporting everyone who doesn’t speak English is too drastic.
But that’s pre-9/11 thinking. These people cannot be tolerated any longer. If you
live in America
you had better speak English. Capisce?” 

After signing the legislation into law, President Bush
declared, “Our nation’s long nightmare is finally over. At long last we have
one, single national language that can unite us from sea to shining sea. So now
when I ask the question ‘is our children learning?’ Americans can be confident
that the answer is ‘Yes. Yes they is.’” CNN reports that they acquired tape
showing that immediately after his speech, Bush was apprehended by INS
officials for questioning.


DETROIT, Mich.– In order to keep inner city youth out
of trouble, a local charitibale organization has created a new program providing a safe place
for teens to come after hours to freely download hours and hours of hot, sweaty
porn. “We found great success with midnight basketball programs in providing alternatives for the kids that were at-risk in
the community,” said charity founder Bart Holmgrin. “This is just another
option that may appeal to teens that otherwise wouldn’t have the bandwidth
necessary to download the first 17 episodes of Anal Debutantes.”

Holmgrin reports that Saving and Protecting
Inner City Youth
, or S.P.I.C.Y. is excited about the charity’s first foray into other activities besides
sports to attract the youth demographic away from life on the dangerous streets
of Detroit. A pamphlet for the program claims it provides another appealing choice
for young adults who might otherwise fall into gang life. 

Porn_2S.P.I.C.Y. has shown exponential
growth in popularity, and every night larger groups of at-risk youth line up to
the saran-wrap protected Dell P.C.’s that have given them the chance to explore
such classic erotica as Schindler’s Fist and Night of the Giving Head. When
asked to give his opinion while utilizing the facilities to download Black
Dicks on White Chicks IV
, one adolescent named Rafael replied, “Uuuuunnngh.”

The charity is currently accepting
donations including mops, handiwipes, and any unused smut  stored
underneath neighborhood mattresses. “The future of our children is vitally
important,” said Holmgrin. “These children have amazing potential, and if giving
them the chance to download the hot orgy scene from Forrest Hump stops just one of them from
doing drugs or committing a drive-by shooting, then I’ve done my job.”   


Local black actor Terrence Johnson could barely hide his enthusiasm at the premiere
of the movie
The Blood Letting after discovering his character, Philip, was
still alive an hour into the film. “I can’ believe it! This is so fantastic! My
character is still breathing!”

After being called in for re-shoots, Johnson was sure that
the director had reedited the movie and offed his character in one of the early
scenes. After watching the Latino character Maria get mangled by a runaway John
Deere lawnmower, the Asian character Xang get run over by a steamroller after
being stung by a swarm of bees and the Arab character Mohammed get diced by a
meat grinder and put through a wood-chipper, Johnson couldn’t believe his
character was still standing.

“Brothers are usually the first to go. This is a triumph of
the human spirit. I’m flooded with such emotion, I can barely contain myself. This
must be what it felt like when Halle Berry
won the Oscar.” When asked if his character does eventually get killed in the
movie, Johnson responded, “Oh sure. He gets decapitated by a chainsaw and
thrown off a cliff.” According to the producers of The Blood Letting, the only characters
to survive to the end are hot white chick, Samantha, and the handsome white lead, Jake.


White Performer Wins Award


anticipated, southern, white actress Reese Witherspoon took the Oscar for Best Actress during the 78th Annual Academy Awards. Though flustered, a
radiant Witherspoon made it to the stage, was given the statue and cordially
thanked the Academy for their gift. “We think Reese was the perfect choice to
receive the Oscar,” said president of the  of Academy of Arts and Sciences Sid Ganis. “It
was an honor to bestow the statue to such a deserving winner and we hope to be
her benefactor again in the near future.” Critics hailed Witherspoon as a very
deserving nominee and some went so far as to express their hope that this
beautiful, caucasian free spirit has more awards lavished upon her in years to come.

Black Performers Steal Award

gang of black rappers named Three 6 Mafia stole the Oscar for “best song” up from
under the noses of the other nominees. Upon hearing their names, the African
American performers immediately ransacked the stage to seize the award, made a few brief statements,
and ran off to make their getaway. “It was like being struck by a sledgehammer,” said president
of the Academy of Arts
and Sciences Sid Ganis. “It was the surprise of the night and we were in utter
shock. Those thugs stomped up on stage, knocked us upside the head and snatched
the award before we knew what hit us.” Critics called it the biggest shanghai
since black performers Denzel Washington and Halle Berry
fleeced the Oscars several years previously.

CHESAPEKE – A distraught Jason Girard stomped out of the Pantaloon
Theatre on Sunday, up in arms over not receiving a call-back for the lead role
in the theatre company’s upcoming production of Shakespeare’s Othello.

viewed this yet another in a long line of casting snubs. “All the great actors
played Othello at one time or another,” fumed Girard. “When Olivier did it, nobody
blinked. It’s the director, man. What, she thinks I can’t play a black man?.”

The plum role of Othello instead went to Leroy Stanton, an African American
man who graduated from Juilliard Acting School before moving to Chesapeke. Leroy displayed excitement at the
opportunity. “This is one of the few major roles in the classics where the
character is actually black. I’m looking forward to sinking my teeth into the Bard’s wonderful material.”

This isn’t the first time Girard felt his talent was overlooked
in the casting of Pantaloon’s productions. Last season he was annoyed at being
overlooked for Evita despite showing up at the audition in a blond wig and
push-up bra, and he was livid that he wasn’t even considered for the lead in Annie
even though he vowed to “lose the weight”.

(picture courtesy of World of Stock)