LOS ANGELES, Calif. – Heralded as a triumph for handicapped people across the world, tone deaf
performers who can’t sing or play musical instruments have found unparalleled
success in the music industry airwaves. According to community activists, a
major cultural shift in the public’s views over the last two decades has opened
doors for intolerably tone deaf performers to succeed musically.
“Beyond a doubt, it’s one of the most inspiring stories. These
artists have come to symbolize strength over adversity and the will to succeed
despite being terrible at what they do. It’s amazing what they’ve accomplished
in the face of honest to God musical incompetency,” said Dominic Stevinson,
national spokesman for the Special Olympics. “What sweet little troopers. I mean, not one of them can hold a tune if their life depended on it. Not even Jingle Bells. Slurred speech, mumbling, poor English. They’re proof that you don’t have to have an ounce of skill in your field to find success. Truly a shining
example for future generations of handicapped people.”
Trends indicate that the success of aspiring musical
performers no longer hinges on attributes like talent, musical ability, understanding
of music theory or even melodic knowledge. Regional director of the Lowenstein
Music Foundation, Wan Hitomi, agrees. “With the ascendancy of technology like
sequencers, samplers and pitch machines, we can make the howls of a diseased
kitten sound like Pavarotti. You don’t have to be able to play the piano or saxophone. Some 8 year old with a laptop can out-diddy P-Diddy.”
A recent Gallup poll also shed some light on the loosening attitudes of the public towards musical
artists. When asked what was most important in choosing musicians to listen to,
only 9% of respondents said ‘musical talent’. Conversely, 12% indicated ‘cleavage’, and 73% responded with ‘amount of bling in they grill’.
“The glass ceiling has finally been shattered,” said BMG publicist
Julia Blackwell while wiping tears from her eyes. “The legacy of dreadfully unskilled,
tone deaf visionaries like Tone Loc and Biz Markie has finally come to fruition
in our generation. It’s truly a blessing to know the music industry is no
longer prejudiced against people just because they aren’t good at, you know, the
music part. Everyone gets a shot.”
This achievement has not gone unheralded in other fields.
The huge strides handicapped music performers have accomplished has given hope
to other groups striving to succeed in fields where they’re highly unqualified.
A growing number of eunuchs have lobbied to join the porn industry. Also included
in the growing list of those inspired to overcome adversity are grossly overweight ballet performers, narcoleptic sky dive instructors
and Keanu Reeves.
“In a world of uncertainty, it’s heartwarming to know that it doesn’t matter that I stink to high heaven at what I do. Not important. We can all find solace in the fact
that the world will still let us succeed at something we totally suck at,” said Stevinson.