HOLLYWOOD, Calif. – After being set up on a blind date with one of the famous Baldwin brother actors, local barfly and aspiring actress Christine Manchenko quickly realized he wasn’t the Baldwin she had thought. Manchenko was picked up in a run down Ford pickup with no back window, and she became suspicious of the Baldwin brother after not being able to place him in any of the movies she had seen recently.
“I love the Baldwins, but I wasn’t sure who this one was at all. It definitely wasn’t Billy Baldwin. That’s who I was hoping for. He was so unbelievably hot in Backdraft. And the guy was like way too old to be Stephen. I’ll take him circa Biodome anyday of the week. He did kinda look like Alec. Like a fat, retarded version of Alec. Plus, he smelled like cheap booze and hookers. Nasty.” Manchenko cut the blind date short as soon as she could, after the unidentified Baldwin brother pulled up to a sleazy bowling alley, burped while scratching himself and muttered indecipherable obscenities under his breath.
Experts believe that the suspected Baldwin brother was, in fact, the lesser known Daniel Baldwin. However, there is some speculation that a mystery Baldwin previously unknown to the public eye has emerged from the underground. Sources wishing to remain anonymous speculate that this Baldwin brother was somehow deformed or unwanted, and was raised in secret while being chained in a hidden chamber somewhere deep in the basement of the Baldwin compound.
No Baldwin returned calls for comment on this developing story. Also unavailable for comment was the original friend that set Ms. Manchenko up on the blind date. “I’m beginning to think she’s sort of a bitch. I’m seriously thinking about canceling the date she set me up with next weekend with one of the Wayans brothers,” said Manchenko.
Preliminary results from a newly released international scientific study indicate that men between the ages of 17 and 85 who regularly breastfeed on women’s bosoms are 73% less likely to develop health risks later. Quick on the heels of a recent study showing children who are breastfed have less stress later in life, scientists at the Swedish Medical Center for Disease Studies began research on whether or not the same health benefits occur if access to breasts were increased in adulthood.
“Our testing was implementing under rigorous scientific method to calculate the precise effect regular oral access to beautiful women’s shoulder boulders have on the health of our adult patients, Said Dr. Sven Yorgen, head of Swedish Medical Studies. “It helped that we have our own Bikini Team. I insisted on doing all the tests myself. And let me tell you, after 4 months of suckling 92 pairs of voluptuous mammaries, I feel terrific! The health benefits of regular titty sucking are now a matter of public record. I swear I could live forever!”
General results indicate the therapeutic applications of boob suckling specified several positive results in the majority of male patients, including decreased overall stress, lowered chance of heart complications and long lasting smiles. Conversely, a control group composed of adult males without clinical access to women’s melons developed increased anger, ulcers, depression and a proclivity to overall asshole-ish behavior in a relatively short amount of time.
“We found no discernible difference between males who sucked on real titties, and those who sucked on the fake variety,” said Yorgen. “All that mattered was the increased release of endorphins and testosterone as the test patients nibbled, licked and orally fondled women’s bazongas.” Although both men and women enjoyed it to a certain extent, adult males exhibited the most positive physiological effects from regular breastfeeding.
Frequency and number of unique breasts increased health also contributed to the health benefits. For instance, although the research discovered that men who sucked on one particular lady’s milkshake pom-poms exhibited a slight increase in overall health, the positive health benefits of men who slurped on a wide variety of female sugarplums was exponentially higher. As a result of the study’s conclusions, some scientists speculate that the medicinal value of a lifetime of breastfeeding may allow Hugh Hefner to live to 196. More on this story as it develops.
NEWARK, New Jersey – Having received an F in remedial geometry during his high school years,
“Right now, I don’t know who’s dating who. I’ve tried to solve the equation, but it’s so complicated,”
thirty-five year old resident Derek Van Horn has found it nearly impossible to
keep his present love-triangle between Stacy Stengel and Trudy
said Derek. “Stacy and I dated for four months, but I slept with Trudy a couple
of times three years ago. After Trudy and I hooked up again and Stacy found
out, we broke up. This is where it gets hazy because I think Trudy developed
feelings for Stacy while I fell in love with Trudy and Stacy still was into me
and let me cheat on Trudy by sleeping with her. Does that make me the altitude
through Trudy’s vertex perpendicular to Stacy… goddamn, this is complicated!”
According to the American Mathematical Association, Derek’s
inability to keep track of the relatively straightforward trilateral personal
connections between the two women has been traced to his habit of ditching
third period geometry class in the ninth grade. Creating a graph diagram as his
math teacher Mr. Berkowitz suggested in one of the few classes he did attend in
1986 didn’t help. “I even got out my old protractor from the attic. I got so mad
that I couldn’t find the answer, I accidentally stabbed myself in the nipple.”
In mapping the triangle to delineate a solution, Derek has had
difficulty discerning whether his particular love triangle is isosceles,
equilateral or acute. “I’m thinking acute, because Stacy and Trudy are both
friggin’ hot.” He admits his chances of solving the love-triangle are
complicated by the addition of Trina, the sexy receptionist at his office, who
may enter the fray and cause a love-trapezoid. “Plus I’ve realized that my long
time fantasy involving the Dallas Cowboys is impossible unless I master the calculations
necessary for a love-rhombic dodecahedron. Why didn’t I go to class? Fuck!”