In a move designed to help recover dwindling attendance
after recent controversies, the Episcopalian Church has decided to introduce Casual Good Fridays to increase attendance. Good Friday, a remembrance of the
crucifixion of Jesus Christ at Cavalry, has been seen by many as a
disheartening event due to its dire subject matter. By encouraging casual
clothing and informal attire, the Church hopes to spice up the event and add
some excitement to an otherwise drab affair.

“Good Friday is such an ironic name. I mean, it’s the day we
commemorate our Lord and Savior getting nailed alive to a giant cross and left
to bleed to death. It’s so depressing. Hopefully this will spice up the
festivities a bit. With a more casual halter top or just the right jean skirt,
we can give Christ’s brutal and bloody slaying a feeling of a celebration,” said Bishop
Katharine Schori. Schori added that she plans to take off that "dumbass white strap" and give the Good Friday sermon
wearing a ruby red stretch silk charmeuse top with relaxed cropped cargo pants.

Traditionally, Episcopalian congregations’ fashion taste for
Good Friday services range from dismal, gloomy suits for men to conservative,
bland dresses for the women. This year anticipation for Good Friday is swelling
exponentially due to the fact that church members are free to wear sexy cami
and shrug tops, print t-shirts, tight fitting denim jeans, miniskirts, muscle
shirts, baggy pants, strapless cocktail dresses and babydoll corsets.

“I never look forward to these services,” declared 42 year
old Frank Berardi. “I hate wearing the acceptable attire. Makes me look like a
mortician. I’m really excited this year for Good Friday, because I’m gonna wear
my favorite bright pink and yellow Hawaiian shirt with the sexy Bermuda shorts
my wife picked up for me in Cabo. Sweet!” 

Other additions to existing Good Friday fashion traditions have
been embraced and others have caused skepticism among fashion and Christian
ranks alike. Although the red carpet outside every church foyer has been widely
accepted, some have complained that the flashing photographers are distracting and
have already been dubbed the Pope-arazzi. “Despite some cynicism from the
public, this is truly exciting. I hear some of our Good Friday churchgoers may
even make Mr. Blackwell’s list this year!” said Schori.

Some parishioners are concerned that a few may take the
Casual Good Friday invitation too far. Church leaders are pleading with members
to avoid taking the casual too far. “We want you to be as comfortable as
possible in the pews while celebrating the murder of Jesus by the Jews. But you
cannot praise the Lord in a thong bikini or Speedo,” scolded Schori. "The pews are not built for that and you will chafe. Now please open to Hymn 542, I’m Too Sexy."

NEWPORT –
Local Buddhist Dick Shmitty has refused to finalize sales of several plasma screen televisions to consumers at the Circuit City location he works at, citing his ardent religious beliefs. "Our attachment to material goods leads to suffering and withholds enlightenment from us. As a matter of conscience, my religious beliefs will not allow me to sell gigantic plasma televisions and promote the glorification of the impermanent."

Shmitty, a follower of Mahayan sect of Zen Buddhism remains vigilant in the face of rising opposition to his stance. He maintains that like Christian pharmacists forced to distribute birth control, he is being persecuted for his religious beliefs. Shmitty has vowed to continue to refuse to sell patrons of Circuit City gorgeous high-definition plasma screens with superior brightness and color in a slim, powerful package until all customers reach true enlightenment.

Some are not amused at what some have perceived as a publicity stunt to stir up the Buddhist vote in the upcoming elections. "All I wanted to do was buy that sweet ass Panasonic 50" Plasma HDTV," said customer Patrick Fitzsimmons. "It retails for like, 3700 bucks. Have you seen the clarity on that motherfucker? Does that idiot know what kind of commission he’s giving up? What an asshole."

The controversy has reached beyond the walls of electronics stores and has captured national interest in recent days. Supporters claim Shmitty shouldn’t have to be forced to sell anything that is against his moral principles. "We support the right of salespeople to excuse themselves from activity which they find objectionable," says Tina Wickman of ABBA, the American Buddhist Bereavement Association.

Opponents contend that if Shmitty didn’t want to sell material goods he shouldn’t have taken the job in the first place. They contend that in smaller towns, there is often only one distributer for high-quality electronic merchandise. Sharper Image founder Richard Thalheimer doesn’t see a legal correlation between salesmen and the products they sell. "What’s the point of cool gadgets if the salesman won’t run max out your Visa buying them due to some religious beliefs you don’t share with him?

Shmitty has a history of religious views clashing with his job requirements. In 1998 he was fired from Chili’s for refusing to bring a 4th order of boneless buffalo wings to a morbidly obese customer based on the Buddhist view on desire and attachment. He also resigned from Jared’s Galleria of Jewelry when he wouldn’t sell a diamond encrusted bracelet to a woman when he claimed it would break Buddha’s second law of the Four Noble Truths.

Although the dispute has garnered widespread coverage White House spokesman Scott McClellan has remained ambivalent on the administration’s stance. Senator Bill Frist has alluded to possible legislation barring salesmen from choosing the merchandise they sell on religious grounds because such activities don’t foster healthy capitalism. Circuit City management has placed Shmitty on probation until his case can be reviewed. He was recently suspended for shaving his head bald and insisting on wearing an orange tunic in the electronics section while on duty.


HEAVEN – Just moments after Jon Stewart wrapped up the
telecast of the 78th Annual Academy Awards, our Lord and Savior
Jesus Christ publicly declared  that the winners deserved their accolades and
the losers deserved to lose.  "Yea, for the 78th year in a row, all
those deserving of the Oscar did win. Those that lost, your faith was weak and
you have been forsaken.”

In the past, critics have panned those who thank the Lord in
their speeches because it implied that God did not walk with the other
nominees. But Jesus wanted to set things straight once and for all. “Do not
criticize those who thank Me in their speeches for they are the ones who walk
with Me into the light. The losers deserve no sympathy, for their films were
crap. I hate them so much.”

Reesewitherspoonphilipseymorhoffman_2
Christ then elaborated, “You can thank Me that Philip Seymour
Hoffman won for Capote. Joaqin Phoenix’s performance as Johnny Cash was grossly overrated; they’ll
both be screaming for an eternity in a burning ring of fire. Reese Witherspoon
won for best actress because I can sense her love for Me is pure and true. Keira
Knightley can suck it; God doesn’t take kindly to overwrought Jane Austen
adaptations.”


Jesus went on to claim that Howard Berger and Tami Lane won for best makeup for The Chronicles of
Narnia
because they prayed to Him more often than Dave Elsey and Annette Miles of Star Wars III. “Esley and Miles will burn in the 7th Circle of Hell.”

Gotohell
Although many previous claims at awards shows by winners
that they were blessed by God went unproven at best, Christ has finally put the
controversy to rest. It has now been decried that all rappers, performers, singers and others who thank God in
their speeches truly are favored over the losers because they love Jesus more.

“When they thank Me in a speech, it’s because they know I
wanted them to win, and I want those other losers to lose because their faith
in me was not genuine and pure. The losers should stop spending so much time on their craft, and start spending their time worshipping Me. For as the shepherd must tend to the sheep that
stray from the herd, so too do I have to kick some moviemaking ass.”


GOLDEN, Co – President Bush unveiled
a visionary agenda today at Colorado’s Renewable Energy Lab that included a
comprehensive push
for faith-based alternative fuels.

“The power of prayer has yet to
reach its great potential,” said Bush in front of a large group of specialists
and industry insiders. “It’s time to harness the energy found within the
flapping of angel wings.”

Bush proposed a plan that vowed to cut
40% of oil consumption in the
U.S. by 2025 through appealing to a Higher Power. “I firmly
believe that God will provide for the American people. And that includes
finding cost-effective fuel alternatives so we can drive our kids 5 blocks to soccer practice in a Hummer."

Some conservation groups remain skeptical os
Bush. “Seems like smoke and mirrors,” said Tony
Schiatto of OAF, the Organization for Alternative Fuels. “Americans consume 10
million gallons of oil per day, and I doubt singing a bunch of freakin’ hymns
is gonna do much to change that.”

Volunteers passed out bracelets at the
Energy Lab before Bush took the podium emblazoned with the acronym WWJD, which
stands for “What Would Jesus Drive?” 

Local believer Virginia Slokum seemed exuberant about the prospect. "I’m hoping the Jesus bobblehead on my Chevy’s dashboard will give me at least 7 more miles to the gallon!"

Detroit auto manufacturers have been reluctant to pursue faith-based
car technology. Scientists at Ford
have postponed the faith-based fuel program when initial tests indicated the
faith-based car received 0 miles per gallon, as it didn’t move.

Head engineer Fillard Johnson
elaborates, “We had 16 nuns, 7 priests, 3 Baptist ministers, the Mormon
Tabernacle Choir and a rabbi all praying really, really hard for the 2007 Camero prototype equipped with faith-based fuel system, but got nothing. Zilch. Not a peep from the
ignition switch, transmission or fuel pressure regulator. It’s
very disconcerting.”   

The solution seems to be somewhere
in between oil based energy and faith-based fuels. “We’re hoping to develop a
hybrid that will combine the best of both worlds: the Lord our Savior and Gas.”


American schools have been fairing
poorly in science and applied technology compared to most other industrialized
nations, and engineers, scientists and inventors who once sought out the
U.S.to settle are now seeking out other nations.

Bush expressed his hope that
faith-based technologies will advance to the point where American science
classes can be replaced completely with bible study. “We’ll let them Aussies
and Frenchies deal with that science mumbo-jumbo,” snickered Bush, “The Spirit
of the Lord will start my SUV!”

Some auto companies see a bright
future in faith-based fuels.
Japan has already seen the arrival of a 4-door sedan that runs on
the power of meditation called the Nissan Nirvana, and
Europe is the
testing ground for the Mercedes Jihad, a prototype that runs on hatred of the
infidel. 

HOLLYWOOD, Ca. – As massive crowds congregated late Thursday evening, a starfleet of intergalactic spaceships landed outside the famous Grauman’s Chinese Theater and an army
of alien beings emerged to tell Tom Cruise that the Scientology religion founded by late
sci-fi writer L. Ron Hubbard was “a total crock.”

“I was just drinkin’ my beer lookin’ fer stars and I seen a big light outside
my Datsun,” said tourist Dwight Klamp. “These big silver aliens landed
on the Mustang in frunta me. They’s the same aliens what probed my bruther.”

Gor-Ok, leader of the Fraudulen Star
Command from the Khaschqou Inter-Planetary Federation, explained the visit through telepathic
brainwaves after levitating 30 feet in the air and shooting an awe-inspiring
array of colorful laser beams from his eyes and nostrils.

“We were not supposed to enter your solar system and make
you aware of our presence in the universe until the year 3047 in your human
calendar.

"But after seeing my favorite humanoid actor Tom Cruise on Oprah and then The Today Show, we’ve had enough of this Scientology
business. I am here to set things straight, hopefully before Tom starts his publicity
tour for Mission Impossible 3. Otherwise, I will command my Blyrgin Cruisers to instantly
vaporize your entire species. Ooo look, Marilyn Monroe’s footprints!”

The Church’s followers have come under fire recently for
their mystical beliefs regarding psychiatry and aliens. In the
spectacular presentation on Hollywood Boulevard, Gor-Ok expounded on the reasons for
their arrival.

“First of all, Tom, the name of the galactic tyrant who messed
everything up on earth is Qautan,pronounced Katan, like Chris Katan. His name is not
Xenu, okay? And it was only 17 million years ago, not 75 million. Hello? Duh.”

“Secondly, Thetans are called Tetrans. That’s just poor
grammar. And they can only live through 3 human life cycles, but then
regenerate through a supernatural process known as Promasteniosis. Everyone knows that.

“Also, Mr. Cruise, Qautan didn’t blow up the inhabitants of all the
planets with primitive H-Bombs around a volcano as L. Ron claimed. It was at a beach with a Nano-Bomb, which reverses the quasar-pulse within mammalian dark matter in relation to the polarity
in the event horizons of your galaxy’s black holes. That’s what causes the bad feelings. Not the Tetrans. Double Duh. Not to be rude, but this is basic
stuff. By the way, loved you in Top Gun.”

Critics claim The Church of Scientology merely a pyramid
scheme that intimidates and coerces it followers to hand over their money, while the Church maintains it is a legitimate religion and the victim of unfounded
antagonism.

Although Gor-Ok’s remarks were directed specifically towards him, Tom Cruise has yet to comment. Other Scientologist celebrities remain similarly elusive; reports have Jenna Elfman and Kirstie Allie hiding in the Church’s secret bunker in New Mexico. John Travolta refused comment, stating he was trying to focus on pre-production for his sequel to his flop Battlefield Earth, also by L. Ron Hubbard.   

A spokesman from the Church of Scientology denies a lack of diligence
in their faith. “Gor-Ok simply must be mistaken. We are confident we can help
people overcome their Operating Thetans and improve the Dynamics through
rigorous Auditing, E-Meters and Introspection Rundowns.”

“That’s just a bunch of gibberish,” claims Gor-Ok. “They’re
full of Cluxigen dung from the Gozar Nebula. It’s just a big scam, and I hope most
homo-sapien life-forms are not susceptible to such primeval persuasion
techniques.

"Now, I invite Tom and all the rest of you humans to join us on our mothership here for Rice-Krispie
treats and Tang. We Fraudulens can show you the One True Way to learning all the Secrets of the Cosmos.

"Each session on the mothership will cost 800 of your earth dollars, and you may need hundreds to attain full enlightenment on the Mysteries of Creation." Gor-Ok added, “We accept Visa, Mastercard and Discover.”

HARRISBURG, Pa.-In what is sure to be the biggest courtroom clash since the last one, a class
action suit had been filed in federal court against the Dover Area School Board
for not allowing the teaching of Intelligent Design in school science classes. The twist? This time, it’s the monkeys themselves bringing the suit.

In a startling and unprecedented move, several Bornean Orangutans from the Pittsburgh zoo have sued the school district, insisting that Intelligent Design not only be taught in science classes but the theory of evolution be stricken from textbooks
altogether.Ape_3

These Orangutans, or Pongo pygmaeus, are offended by the idea that they are
related to people, and think Intelligent Design is the best alternative out
there.

One of the plaintiffs, Cuddles, explained her position
through a sign language interpreter: “That apes and humans descended from a
common ancestor is just a disgusting thought. I’m appalled, frankly. I mean,
look at you. Massive poverty, genocide, suffering, violence. Look how you treat
your kind. People are horrible, horrible creatures.”

She continued, “Have you seen some of the porn on your
internet? I can’t believe humans pee on each other. And don’t get me started on
the Tuesday night lineup on ABC. Only true barbarians would keep According to Jim on the air. That I’m
related to people in any way should be rejected on face value, let alone be
taught in science classes.”

The details of the apes’ replacement theory are still
ambiguous. One version of Intelligent Design posits elements of nature are so
complex that they must have been created by a higher force. Among some of the
more controversial elements of the ape theory include the idea that this
“intelligent designer” of the entire universe is actually a 50 foot tall super
smart ape similar to King Kong.

Dovercourtroom_1
Attorneys representing the school board have questioned the
true motives of the apes. In a written statement, school board lawyers claimed
the suit was just a cheap parlor trick to manipulate the public and avoid the
fact that humans and apes are related through evolution.

But the primates remain undeterred. Bubba, another plaintiff
in the suit, has similar thoughts- “Man did not come from apes. Gorillas, bonobos,
chimpanzees, gibbons, we’re all united. I mean, have you
seen the contestants on American Idol? Ugh. You humans are just awful. Unlike evolution, Intelligent Design makes the case we’re not associated with you at all!"

A U.S. Supreme Court ruling in 1987 decried schools could
not require creationism to balance the teaching of evolution. This new lawsuit
brought on by the apes may eventually make it up to the conservative justices
recently appointed by president George W. Bush. As a result the ruling may be different. 

Bush even weighed in on the teaching of the possibility that
a super intelligent, furry orangutan created the universe. "I think that
part of education is to expose people to different schools of thought,"
Bush said. "You’re asking me whether or not people ought to be exposed to
different ideas, the answer is yes."