Ca. – Continuing a disturbing trend of bigotry among young children, 10 year
old Brandon Amhrein was suspended from attending class for two weeks after
exhibiting extreme lactose intolerance in the school cafeteria.

The confrontation occurred last Tuesday when Maggie, the
cafeteria lady, attempted to give Brandon a carton of chocolate milk with his school lunch. Brandon
refused to take the milk, insisting on a juice alternative. Maggie recalled, “I
asked him what he had against
milk, and he told me outright that he was lactose intolerant. Heavens to Betsy,
I couldn’t believe it. To be so openly intolerant in this day and age? I was
shocked to say the least!”

Mariposa Elementary Principal Scott Samson was unapologetic
about the incident. “I’m appalled by Brandon,
frankly. This is a disturbing trend in our children. We have been given strict
standards to promote open-mindedness and diversity in the student body. Milk
prejudice is absolutely unacceptable. We have zero tolerance for intolerance
around here.”

Although the San Juan school district has launched a full investigation into the episode, initial
sentiment from the community seems to support Principal Samson’s actions. Both
the teacher’s union and the PTA have come out in support of Brandon’s
suspension, citing tolerance codes as incontestable.

The ACLU has issued a press release condemning the
suspension, claiming the child’s lactose intolerance is protected in ways similar
to the rights of KKK members to march in parades. “No matter how despicable Brandon’s
lactose intolerant views may be, those appalling views are nevertheless
protected under the first amendment of the Constitution.”

When asked for comment, Brandon simply answered, “I don’t know what the big deal is. I wish I could be more
tolerant of the lactose, but milk makes me fart and
gives me the runs.”

In his second year of being home schooled, twelve
year old Matthew Hutchings has become bewildered by his parents, who in
addition to teaching him geography and chemistry, have also taken turns relentlessly
taunting and bullying him. “I don’t get it. Dad gives me money for lunch, then
when I go out to the backyard he pushes me around and demands I give the money
to him or he’ll punch me,” said a confused Matthew.

Between lectures on Pythagoras and discussions about early
American history, Mr. and Mrs. Hutchings have implemented techniques they claim
replicate the normal interaction their son would be having at school with
bullies his age. They cited studies showing the degeneration of quality in
public schools as reason to take over their child’s education as well as his bullying
needs. Matthew has proven to be a bit bemused, and it has taken some getting used to. “Dad gave me a Wet-Willy and Mom
called me a Four-Eyed Fag. But she bought me those glasses.”

“Matthew’s resisting a bit, but we know what we’re doing,”
said Mrs. Hutchings. “We want to give our child a well-rounded, comprehensive
educational experience. That means not only covering the broad spectrum of reading, writing,
and arithmetic, but it also means giving him daily wedgies and de-pantsing him constantly
during gym class. Otherwise, we’re not doing our job.”

An unapologetic Mrs. Hutchings then finished giving Matthew
his Swirlie by jamming his head back into the toilet and violently flushing.
“Who’s your daddy, huh? Who’s your daddy now, bitch! Now go finish your essay
on Vasco De Gama, sweetiepie.”