HOLLYWOOD, Ca. – As massive crowds congregated late Thursday evening, a starfleet of intergalactic spaceships landed outside the famous Grauman’s Chinese Theater and an army
of alien beings emerged to tell Tom Cruise that the Scientology religion founded by late
sci-fi writer L. Ron Hubbard was “a total crock.”

“I was just drinkin’ my beer lookin’ fer stars and I seen a big light outside
my Datsun,” said tourist Dwight Klamp. “These big silver aliens landed
on the Mustang in frunta me. They’s the same aliens what probed my bruther.”

Gor-Ok, leader of the Fraudulen Star
Command from the Khaschqou Inter-Planetary Federation, explained the visit through telepathic
brainwaves after levitating 30 feet in the air and shooting an awe-inspiring
array of colorful laser beams from his eyes and nostrils.

“We were not supposed to enter your solar system and make
you aware of our presence in the universe until the year 3047 in your human

"But after seeing my favorite humanoid actor Tom Cruise on Oprah and then The Today Show, we’ve had enough of this Scientology
business. I am here to set things straight, hopefully before Tom starts his publicity
tour for Mission Impossible 3. Otherwise, I will command my Blyrgin Cruisers to instantly
vaporize your entire species. Ooo look, Marilyn Monroe’s footprints!”

The Church’s followers have come under fire recently for
their mystical beliefs regarding psychiatry and aliens. In the
spectacular presentation on Hollywood Boulevard, Gor-Ok expounded on the reasons for
their arrival.

“First of all, Tom, the name of the galactic tyrant who messed
everything up on earth is Qautan,pronounced Katan, like Chris Katan. His name is not
Xenu, okay? And it was only 17 million years ago, not 75 million. Hello? Duh.”

“Secondly, Thetans are called Tetrans. That’s just poor
grammar. And they can only live through 3 human life cycles, but then
regenerate through a supernatural process known as Promasteniosis. Everyone knows that.

“Also, Mr. Cruise, Qautan didn’t blow up the inhabitants of all the
planets with primitive H-Bombs around a volcano as L. Ron claimed. It was at a beach with a Nano-Bomb, which reverses the quasar-pulse within mammalian dark matter in relation to the polarity
in the event horizons of your galaxy’s black holes. That’s what causes the bad feelings. Not the Tetrans. Double Duh. Not to be rude, but this is basic
stuff. By the way, loved you in Top Gun.”

Critics claim The Church of Scientology merely a pyramid
scheme that intimidates and coerces it followers to hand over their money, while the Church maintains it is a legitimate religion and the victim of unfounded

Although Gor-Ok’s remarks were directed specifically towards him, Tom Cruise has yet to comment. Other Scientologist celebrities remain similarly elusive; reports have Jenna Elfman and Kirstie Allie hiding in the Church’s secret bunker in New Mexico. John Travolta refused comment, stating he was trying to focus on pre-production for his sequel to his flop Battlefield Earth, also by L. Ron Hubbard.   

A spokesman from the Church of Scientology denies a lack of diligence
in their faith. “Gor-Ok simply must be mistaken. We are confident we can help
people overcome their Operating Thetans and improve the Dynamics through
rigorous Auditing, E-Meters and Introspection Rundowns.”

“That’s just a bunch of gibberish,” claims Gor-Ok. “They’re
full of Cluxigen dung from the Gozar Nebula. It’s just a big scam, and I hope most
homo-sapien life-forms are not susceptible to such primeval persuasion

"Now, I invite Tom and all the rest of you humans to join us on our mothership here for Rice-Krispie
treats and Tang. We Fraudulens can show you the One True Way to learning all the Secrets of the Cosmos.

"Each session on the mothership will cost 800 of your earth dollars, and you may need hundreds to attain full enlightenment on the Mysteries of Creation." Gor-Ok added, “We accept Visa, Mastercard and Discover.”

(UNASSOCIATED PRESS)- In anticipation of the upcoming Oscar telecast, a incomprehensibly dense
whirlwind of Br
okeback Mountain parodies have accumulated in a massive conglomeration
of dark matter around the sun, threatening a cataclysmic explosion and ripping space-time as we know it.

Scientists suspect the enormous number of amateur and professional comedians,
performers, pundits, bloggers, commentators, speakers, editorialists, and
writers cashing in on the film about gay cowboys has caused this highly
unnatural influx. By some estimates, the oncoming explosion after Jon Stewart’s
opening monologue at the Oscars may be equivalent to over 11 million H-Bombs.

"This is an unprecedented astronomical moment," says renowned physicist Stephen Hawking, "Not since the unknown forces that instigated the Big
Bang has there been such a monolithic cosmic event. Plus, Heath Ledger is hot."

If the joking continues, Brokeback Mountain’s momentum may cause a critical mass in humor,
forcing the gravitational field of the sun to get stronger as it contracts,
bending a
ll light inescapably inward. As the jokes from late night TV show
hosts and websites continue, it will force the sun to shrink to a zero sum
radius; time will stop and all life on earth will cease as the earth gets
caught in the black hole’s event horizon of hilarity.

Last Tuesday the U.N. passed a joint resolution signed by 117 nations condemning the
parodies, and officials worldwide have begged for a temporary moratorium on all
Brokeback inspired humor. But that hasn’t slowed the momentum. “It’s such an
easy target,” exclaimed a comic who wished to remain anonymous, “Gay Cowboys? Earnest
hillbilly talk? Humpin’ on the range? How can you pass that up? It’s like shooting
a cow with a high powered rifle at point blank range.”

Astronomers fear that unless the barrage of parodies ebbs soon, the point of
no return for the sun’s gravity may be at hand. Unfortunately for all humanity
and the known universe, the spoofs just keep coming, including Broke ‘Mac’
Mountain, Broke Back to the Future, Brokeback ‘
Mount Doom‘, Brokeass Mountain, Point Break-back Mountain, Bush-back Mountain, Top Gun: Brokeback Squadron, Brokeback Fiction, Broke-Space Mountain, Bareback Mountain, Toke-Back Mountain, Broke Jack Palance, Broke-Cat Mountain, Star Wars: The Empire Brokeback…  

Scientists have invented a new contraceptive similar to the Morning After
Pill called The Afternoon Before Pill. “The Afternoon Before Pill works just
like the Morning After Pill by preventing ovaries from releasing an egg,” says
the head scientist, Dr. Morgan Fillmein.


“The only difference is women take it shortly before they go
on a date. I mean, come on. Women already know when they’re going to put out.
They’re in complete control of the world’s supply of poon-tang. Whether or not they’re getting the hot beef injection isn’t a mystery to them, only to their date. Just
take the goddamn pill before the date already. Or don’t. Just stop leading me on all night!.”

Dr. Fillmein admits the
chemical structure of the morning after and the afternoon before pill are identical.
“So fucking what? I just need to get laid!”

HARRISBURG, Pa.-In what is sure to be the biggest courtroom clash since the last one, a class
action suit had been filed in federal court against the Dover Area School Board
for not allowing the teaching of Intelligent Design in school science classes. The twist? This time, it’s the monkeys themselves bringing the suit.

In a startling and unprecedented move, several Bornean Orangutans from the Pittsburgh zoo have sued the school district, insisting that Intelligent Design not only be taught in science classes but the theory of evolution be stricken from textbooks

These Orangutans, or Pongo pygmaeus, are offended by the idea that they are
related to people, and think Intelligent Design is the best alternative out

One of the plaintiffs, Cuddles, explained her position
through a sign language interpreter: “That apes and humans descended from a
common ancestor is just a disgusting thought. I’m appalled, frankly. I mean,
look at you. Massive poverty, genocide, suffering, violence. Look how you treat
your kind. People are horrible, horrible creatures.”

She continued, “Have you seen some of the porn on your
internet? I can’t believe humans pee on each other. And don’t get me started on
the Tuesday night lineup on ABC. Only true barbarians would keep According to Jim on the air. That I’m
related to people in any way should be rejected on face value, let alone be
taught in science classes.”

The details of the apes’ replacement theory are still
ambiguous. One version of Intelligent Design posits elements of nature are so
complex that they must have been created by a higher force. Among some of the
more controversial elements of the ape theory include the idea that this
“intelligent designer” of the entire universe is actually a 50 foot tall super
smart ape similar to King Kong.

Attorneys representing the school board have questioned the
true motives of the apes. In a written statement, school board lawyers claimed
the suit was just a cheap parlor trick to manipulate the public and avoid the
fact that humans and apes are related through evolution.

But the primates remain undeterred. Bubba, another plaintiff
in the suit, has similar thoughts- “Man did not come from apes. Gorillas, bonobos,
chimpanzees, gibbons, we’re all united. I mean, have you
seen the contestants on American Idol? Ugh. You humans are just awful. Unlike evolution, Intelligent Design makes the case we’re not associated with you at all!"

A U.S. Supreme Court ruling in 1987 decried schools could
not require creationism to balance the teaching of evolution. This new lawsuit
brought on by the apes may eventually make it up to the conservative justices
recently appointed by president George W. Bush. As a result the ruling may be different. 

Bush even weighed in on the teaching of the possibility that
a super intelligent, furry orangutan created the universe. "I think that
part of education is to expose people to different schools of thought,"
Bush said. "You’re asking me whether or not people ought to be exposed to
different ideas, the answer is yes."