Blind_date_1
HOLLYWOOD, Calif. – After being set up on a blind date with one of the famous Baldwin brother actors, local barfly and aspiring actress Christine Manchenko quickly realized he wasn’t the Baldwin she had thought. Manchenko was picked up in a run down Ford pickup with no back window, and she became suspicious of the Baldwin brother after not being able to place him in any of the movies she had seen recently.

“I love the Baldwins, but I wasn’t sure who this one was at all. It definitely wasn’t Billy Baldwin. That’s who I was hoping for. He was so unbelievably hot in Backdraft. And the guy was like way too old to be Stephen. I’ll take him circa Biodome anyday of the week. He did kinda look like Alec. Like a fat, retarded version of Alec. Plus, he smelled like cheap booze and hookers. Nasty.” Manchenko cut the blind date short as soon as she could, after the unidentified Baldwin brother pulled up to a sleazy bowling alley, burped while scratching himself and muttered indecipherable obscenities under his breath.

Daniel_baldwin
Experts believe that the suspected Baldwin brother was, in fact, the lesser known Daniel Baldwin. However, there is some speculation that a mystery Baldwin previously unknown to the public eye has emerged from the underground. Sources wishing to remain anonymous speculate that this Baldwin brother was somehow deformed or unwanted, and was raised in secret while being chained in a hidden chamber somewhere deep in the basement of the Baldwin compound.

No Baldwin returned calls for comment on this developing story. Also unavailable for comment was the original friend that set Ms. Manchenko up on the blind date. “I’m beginning to think she’s sort of a bitch. I’m seriously thinking about canceling the date she set me up with next weekend with one of the Wayans brothers,” said Manchenko.

AUGUSTA, Georgia – After dropping a piece of blueberry bran
muffin onto his trousers during lunch break, local mortgage specialist Frank
McDonald discovered his zipper had descended, exposing a small piece of his
Spongebob Squarepants boxers in the process. “Oh, that’s just great,” opined a
distraught McDonald. “Why didn’t anyone tell me? Motherfuck.”

In retracing his steps, McDonald attempted to procure a potential
timeline for the duration his zipper had actually been down, revealing the
prominent trouser slit to the world. “Okay, I left for work in the morning and briefly spoke
to my neighbors, the Kinseys as I lept down my porch steps. Maybe that’s why
Mrs. Kinsey shielded her kid’s eyes as I waved to them. At about 9 a.m. I went by the break room to grab a donut
and rant about the season finale of House. I heard a few muffled snickers, but
I didn’t know it was about me! Nobody said a word. Shit, I wonder if that’s why
Cynthia gave me that weird look earlier when I gave her the memos for accounts
receivable.”

This is not the first illustration of McDonald’s proclivity
for unintentional buffoonery, as previous instances have caused interoffice
hilarity. Most notable were a large, whistling booger which dangled
precariously from his nose through a two-hour meeting with corporate bigwigs, and
the notorious “wet spot”, where potential clients in a meeting laughed at a particularly
prominent damp area on the back of McDonald’s beige pants. "I sat in a puddle of coffee or something, I swear. Damn, why’d I have to wear the Spongebob underwear today? It’s laundry day!"

Attempts to retrieve information about the length and extent of the zipper mishap proved futile. None of his coworkers were willing to
provide McDonald with any of the universally recognized signals for downed
zippers, including clearing of the throat, subtly pointing to the crotch area, or
whispering XYZ. Despite his inability to ascertain the precise length of time of
this particular dangling zipper mishap, McDonald vowed to be more careful in
the future to avoid another “wardrobe malfuckingfunction.”

DENVER, Col. – Benny Freeman, a 23 year old waiter at a local Chili’s,
was forced to endure 47 minutes of frustration as an annoying couple proceeded
to break up in his section. “At first I thought it was just a minor squabble,”
said an irritated Freeman, “But then I realized this was no ordinary argument.
The guy was breaking up with her, and he was being a total dick about it.”

Freeman was tipped off initially by their reaction to his
introduction. “I told them my name, and that I recommended the tasty Triple Play
as an appetizer. By the time I got to how our featured drink was the Presidente
Margarita, the silent glares I got from them could have melted a glacier. I
told them I’d give them a little more time to think about it and got the hell
out of there.”

Watching from the order station seven yards from the
couple’s table, Freeman observed the couple as they angrily whispered to each
other for what seemed like an eternity. After helping three other tables, Freeman again observed the man’s arm movements getting more frantic, and
the woman finally cupping her face with her hands and bursting into tears.

The visibly agitated man immediately rose and screamed,
“Serves you right for cheating on me, bitch. And you can pay tonight, since
you’ve been freeloading off me for a year and a half!” He then stomped out of
the restaurant, slamming his shoulder into Freeman as he streaked towards the
door.

“People need to stop using public places to air their dirty laundry, at least on my shift. The worst part of the whole ordeal was that once again I
got stiffed,” said Freeman. “Breaking up at my table and not even leaving a tip
for the trouble they caused? That’s just unforgivable. It’s just not worth the
$2.13 an hour. What is this, Jerry freakin’ Springer?”

This isn’t the first time Freeman has had to deal with
awkward situations in his section. Last January, Freeman had several groups of
teenagers steal the menus and run out on the bill, and just a few weeks
previously an old couple tried to haggle the price of a bowl of chicken noodle
soup down to $1.29. Said Freeman, “People need to get a grip and stop bringing
drama to my section. God!”

 

NEW YORK – In
a brilliant maneuver sure to perpetuate the popularity of its particular strain,
herpes simplex virus two has latched onto the genitalia of local Brooklyn heartthrob Javier Patterson. Luckily for the herpes, Javier is not only
ignorant of techniques to control the herpes virus including Zovirax and
Valtrex
, he has kept the infection a secret from the dozens of
ladies he’s slept with in the last few months.

“Before its invasion of Patterson’s nether region, this particular herpes didn’t have much of a future. We
weren’t sure whether or not it would simply die
off like so many others,” said Malcolm Gladwell, writer of The Tipping Point. “But after the inspired
choice of Patterson’s unbelievably popular schlong, it won’t be long before
this herpes goes from isolated outbreak to international phenomenon.”

Previously, the same herpes virus was not so lucky in its
choice of carriers. Failed attempts to increase its numbers included latching
onto the ballsack of 38 year old systems analyst Bernie Schlessinger, who had
been a virgin until a one night rendezvous with a Mexican hooker in  Tijuana.  Schlessinger proved to be a poor choice for the herpes to boost its prominence,
as he likely will not find another willing partner for many years due to poor
social skills and chronic halitosis.

"This just shows that who you know is more important than
what you know,” said local New York physician Dr. Haagan. “If this herpes virus hadn’t been discovered by Javier in
one of his three hookups last Thursday night at Ultimate, a New York nightclub popular with the young promiscuous crowd, herpes may never have gotten this chance. It’s truly a partnership made in heaven. Javier will use his dashing good looks and natural charisma to further the unstoppable infectious spirit of herpes.”

Doctors agree that hooking up with Patterson’s genitalia was
the smartest move the herpes could have accomplished. The herpes virus may very
well be guaranteed the chance of a lifetime: years of spreading the offspring
of its unique brand of infection to potentially hundreds of new crotch regions
in a matter of weeks. Exponentially, the virus may reach epidemic proportions
in mere months, and become the most popular strain in recent memory.

TUSCON, Ariz.–
In a startling maneuver sure to dazzle even the most ardent skeptics,  local marketing executive Barney Gruden was able
to not only secure a new Hummer, but received a hummer in the back
seat of that Hummer. “Aaahhh yeah!” exclaimed a noticeably aroused Gruden,
found fogging up the back windows with an unnamed woman. “This is what it’s all
about.” It has not yet been ascertained how Gruden was able to accomplish such
an amazing feat with his distinctly average appearance. Informal studies have
implied a connection between an auto and the status needed to attract sexual partners.
In Gruden’s case, the association seems more potent. His first car was a Datsun
Cherry, a car he kept up until his Senior Prom. Sources claim that while he was
dating a beautiful Native American woman he drove a Jeep Cherokee. Then when she
broke up with him, he traded that in for a Ford Escort, bringing home a new
lady each night. Regardless, Gruden foresees many more hummers in the back seat
of his Hummer. “If these adventures get any more exciting, I’m going to have to
trade this in for an Escapade!”

Str2
ST
PAUL, Minn. – After briefly hanging out with several coworkers at Wet Willy’s,
a local topless bar just outside downtown St. Paul, thirty eight year old
Sheldon Bonsworth realized he would have a hard time explaining to his wife why
he smelled like strippers.

“I
just wanted to wind down after a long day’s work,” said Bonsworth. “Now I reek
of watered down liquor and pole dancer sweat. Sharon’s
gonna be so pissed.”

Several
male coworkers from the Shigby & Wells accounting firm joined him at the
edge of the stage, savoring the slender, naked dancers writhing and wiggling for
at least 45 minutes. “Sheldon didn’t seem too concerned while Kayla was shoving
her shapely ass cheeks in his face for dollar bills.”

The
realization of his predicament materialized after Kayla, a buxom brunette,
offered him a third lap-dance. A noticeably tipsy Bonsworth became visibly
alarmed, mumbled something about “the aroma of ho’s” and immediately dashed out
the back door.

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“This
sucks. I couldn’t get this stench off of me with a fire hose and a barrel full
of lime.” Bonsworth described the distinct odor associated with strippers was
as “a combination of Victoria’s Secret lotions, thongs and fragrant crotch-rot.”

Although
no permanent solutions to the pungent stripper scent have been discovered, scientists
recommend a thorough and extended soaking in a bathtub full of tomato juice, a
home remedy similar to that applied after being sprayed by a skunk.

Bonsworth faced the same dilemma last June after colleagues entertained clients at Wet
Willy’s
. After arriving home nearly
three hours late with lipstick smudges on his collar and glitter stuck in his
eyebrows, his wife made him sleep on the couch for a week.

At_risk_inner_city_youth_1

DETROIT, Mich.– In order to keep inner city youth out
of trouble, a local charitibale organization has created a new program providing a safe place
for teens to come after hours to freely download hours and hours of hot, sweaty
porn. “We found great success with midnight basketball programs in providing alternatives for the kids that were at-risk in
the community,” said charity founder Bart Holmgrin. “This is just another
option that may appeal to teens that otherwise wouldn’t have the bandwidth
necessary to download the first 17 episodes of Anal Debutantes.”

Holmgrin reports that Saving and Protecting
Inner City Youth
, or S.P.I.C.Y. is excited about the charity’s first foray into other activities besides
sports to attract the youth demographic away from life on the dangerous streets
of Detroit. A pamphlet for the program claims it provides another appealing choice
for young adults who might otherwise fall into gang life. 

Porn_2S.P.I.C.Y. has shown exponential
growth in popularity, and every night larger groups of at-risk youth line up to
the saran-wrap protected Dell P.C.’s that have given them the chance to explore
such classic erotica as Schindler’s Fist and Night of the Giving Head. When
asked to give his opinion while utilizing the facilities to download Black
Dicks on White Chicks IV
, one adolescent named Rafael replied, “Uuuuunnngh.”

The charity is currently accepting
donations including mops, handiwipes, and any unused smut  stored
underneath neighborhood mattresses. “The future of our children is vitally
important,” said Holmgrin. “These children have amazing potential, and if giving
them the chance to download the hot orgy scene from Forrest Hump stops just one of them from
doing drugs or committing a drive-by shooting, then I’ve done my job.”   

OMAHA, Neb. – 86 year old Gerald Bertrand is happily spending his last remaining days on
earth at the Shady Oaks Retirement Village in the last throes of advanced Alzheimer’s, blissfully unaware of the totally
shitty life he once lived.

A retired steelworker after 35 years of mind-numbing,
soul-crushing work, Gerald had been spending his days in a drunken stupor
outside his dilapidated, rat infested, rent controlled apartment in the
projects, swearing at passersby and shooting neighborhood squirrels with an old
BB gun. Two months ago, Alzheimer’s hit him and in an instant wiped away a
lifetime of hatred, vitriol, bad choices and self-loathing.

A former neighbor, Constance McGovern thinks it’s for the
best. “It’s a good thing, really. Jerry led such an unbelievably rotten life.
He was lousy at everything accomplished nothing. He hated everybody and
everybody hated him back. And he smelled like a septic tank.”

In his earlier years, Bertrand took a job at the steel mill
to marrying a one night fling named Samantha once he knocked her up. A local
scandal erupted when Samantha’s pregnancy came to term and the baby was black.
Bertrand hung out with his friends from college well into his forties shooting
cans in the field next to his trailer park.


Police records show a pattern of alcoholism and domestic
abuse: Gerald was arrested 15 times over a period of 7 years for DUI’s and complaints
of wife battering.  Samantha divorced him
12 years after the birth of their first child and received all his assets in
the court settlement. By all accounts, Gerald’s work had left him nothing but a
hollow shell. He lost his job at the steel mill 6 months before his retirement
pension for coming to work drunk, swearing at the foreman and urinating on the
heavy machinery. He blamed everyone but himself.

Bertrand, who used to be what his former neighbors called a
“lousy stinkin’ jerk”, a “useless heap of junk”, a “bitter, fuckin’ waste of
flesh and bones”, is now all smiles. He acts docile and sweet, content to sit
in a comfortable Laz-E-Boy in the retirement home rec room and stare at shiny
things. He compliments passersby up to seven or eight times in a row without
realizing it.


Bertrand seems oblivious and even euphoric and has become a
favorite of the Shady Oaks staff. "That’s shiny. I like cheese. When is Gwen coming back? She’s so pretty," says Bertrand. According to some nurses, the elderly ladies
in nearby rooms have even taken a liking to him. “He’s just so happy. Simple
things like a bowl of Fruit Loops bring a smile to his face. He’s like a sweet,
sweet child,” say one nurse named Cynthia. 

“These are the best days of his life,” says Constance.
“Alzheimer’s is the best thing to ever happen to him. Now he can enjoy the
remaining days of what used to be a truly wretched, appalling, shitty life.”

TOPEKA Kan. –

When siblings Martha, Stewart  and Jamie Johansen started a
game of Monopoly on March 12, 1959,
they had no idea they would be forced to continually play the same game until
precisely 47 years later. “I started out by getting both Boardwalk and Park Place,” said a bald and haggard Jamie. “I thought
for sure I’d win like usual and it would be quick and painless for the other two.”

But as that cool, crisp night in 1959 progressed, Martha was
able to secure the orange New York
and purple St. Charles monopolies on
the far side of the board, as well as control of the major railroads. Stewart
also successfully developed monopolies on the yellow Marvin Gardens and green Pacific Avenue collections. After John shored up
his holdings with the utilities and several of the smaller monopolies, the game
progressed in a continual stalemate for 47 painfully monotonous years.

The game, which was played every available weeknight for
four decades, often lasted well through the night and into the wee hours of the morning. “We’re
all super competitive,” admitted Martha, “I don’t think any of us wanted to give up. I
could have gotten married, had a family, raised children. I just couldn’t bare
the thought of losing again to my brothers.” A geriatric Stewart agreed. “I
gave up a college football scholarship and endured 4 failed marriages because of
this goddamn game. But I just couldn’t bear to lose to those two.”

The game finally ended when, after going directly to jail
8,964 times, passing Go and collecting $200 exactly 59,673 times, and alternately paying
rent on houses a collective 42,399 times, Jamie and Martha were finally bankrupted after
landing on Stewart’s Pennsylvania Avenue hotels one too many times. An excited Stewart jumped up in a final moment of glee,
immediately slumped into his Lazy-Boy chair and instantly died.

ORANGE COUNTY, Ca. – Looking for new and innovative marketing techniques for
their already lucrative cookie sales, the Girl Scouts of America has announced it
will now promote their tasty treats to potheads. “This is a great chance to
expand revenue for the girls, so they may build character and skills for
success in the real world,” Margaret Collins, head of the Orange County chapter. “Plus they’ll be exposed to some killer music, dude.”

The Amsterdam Girl Scout chapter tested the technique, and
as a result the fundraising for their council increased 4,582% over last year with record sales of all the major cookie styles, including Thin Mints,
Do-Si-Do’s and Tagalongs. Instead of pestering patrons of local grocery stores
and parents’ coworkers, scout leaders plan to market their cookies outside
reggae concerts, cartoon festivals and local college dorms.

If the new marketing strategy is a success, the program may
be expanded to include sales of official Girl Scout black-lights and Girl Scout
Hemp based products, including body mists, candles, lotions and lip balm.  In order to help the scouts understand their
new clients, the national Girl Scout Council has encouraged parents to replace
their girls’ normal hairdos with dread locks. Also new is the recent Scout curriculum additions
of glass-pipe blowing and basement botany merit badges.

 

“We’re really excited about the potential to blow the lid
off of our sales figures. Of course, it’s all to help the girls build essential
life-skills,” Said Collins. She added, “Dude, stop bogarting the Samoas.”