HAVANA, Cuba – After undergoing gastrointestinal surgery in Cuba, 80 year old communist dictator Fidel Castro immediately contacted several major league baseball teams to test the feasibility of trading some of his top baseball prospects for a good doctor. “Please, after oppressing my people for years, I cannot trust my own doctors. They’re incompetent. They would leave their watch in me when they sew me up…that is, if they could afford watches.”
Castro added, “What do you need? Shortstops? We’ve got those. Outfielders? Home run hitters? Need to shore up your bullpen? Please, just send me somebody from Johns Hopkins in return, I beg of you. Dios Mio, it hurts!”
Although several baseball teams have shown interest in acquiring Cuban prospects, most expressed doubt that a deal could be ironed out before the trade deadline. George Steinbrenner of the New York Yankees has been emailing acting president Raul Castro with trade options. But Steinbrenner wasn’t optimistic. “We could give Fidel a sports medicine specialist or two, but what’s the point? All the top picks’ll come over on a raft next year anyway.”
Several Bush administration officials stated that the President, a former owner of the Texas Rangers baseball team, might be interested in personally ironing out a deal. “We’d even throw in a few TV doctors too. How about Doogie Howser? Or better yet, George Clooney. He was on ER. We’d love to kick his ass to Cuba once and for all,” said administration spokesman Tony Snow.
GAINESVILLE, Florida – Eight year old Christopher Schroeder
celebrated with his neighborhood friend Joshua after launching his razor
scooter off a homemade ramp and soaring over 2 feet into the air. The successful
launch was accomplished after a long afternoon that included numerous failed attempts. One jump ended in a skinned knee,
and another hilarious attempt involved the crushing of Christopher’s testicles.
The boys’ makeshift ramp was created with a recycle bin from Christopher’s driveway
and two pieces of old plywood found in Joshua’s backyard. After a few crashes,
the boys were forced to make several adjustments to the contraption, including the angle of the
ramp boards and the length needed to gain enough momentum to launch the
“Sweet!” exclaimed Joshua, as Christopher soared majestically above
the ground before plummeting face-first into Mrs. Hubbard’s prize winning begonias. “That was the best one ever!” The elation of this truly momentous occasion lasted over 7 minutes, only to be forgotten when Christopher’s mother called them
inside for Sunny Delight and Rice Krispie treats.
TURIN, Italy –
Following God-awful ratings for the 2006 Winter Games, NBC
executives have resigned themselves to suffering through two more gruesome, painful
years of extremely high viewer ship. “I’m just not sure if the network can
survive the lucrative revenue that comes with a slate of enormously popular
television programming,” said NBC president Bob Wright. “I can’t wait until we
regain industry mediocrity and low ratings with coverage of the 2008 Summer
Olympics.” Viewer numbers were down over 37 percent compared to the 2002 Games. For mysterious reasons, audiences seemed to favor new episodes of Lost, Dancing With the Stars and
Grey’s Anatomy over the once-in-a-lifetime chance to view a bunch of foreigners
from obscure countries sliding down hills on sticks attached to their feet.
“I can’t imagine why female viewers would rather watch a
fresh episode of Desperate Housewives when they could tune in to see if Denmark would
win gold in Curling,” said NBC Director of Programming Ronni Attenello. The
2008 Olympics will offer NBC the chance to challenge ABC’s American Idol with
Olympic coverage of the Liechtenstein kayaking team, and
may also see new episodes of Fox’s Family Guy compete against their non-stop coverage of Badminton
and Ping-Pong. Until the 2008 Olympics, however, NBC will likely be forced to endure ratings success and once again trounce its rivals with
high-quality, popular shows.