In a shocking turn of events, Frank and Shirley Englebart
returned from their first night out away from their children in over 8 months
to find the babysitter dead in the living room. The babysitter, pictured on the left, had been a longtime family friend and confidant, helping to raise the Englebart’s three children for over 4 years.

The two parents were enjoying a delicious T-Bone steak and
scrumptious southwest chicken wrap at TGIFriday’s when Shirley insisted on cutting the
night short when she had what she referred to as ‘a bad feeling.’

When the loving parents finally arrive home, they found Grace (9), Jessica (7) and Samantha (6) huddled together
on the living room sofa next to the babysitter’s dead, lifeless carcass. Grace, the oldest sister, seemed to take the loss in stride, understanding the babysitter could be replaced. But Jessica and
Samantha displayed intial signs of traumatization associated with losing a
loved one. They also couldn’t watch their favorite
show Blues Clues as a result of the

“We were all watching A Series of Unfortunate Events with
Jim Carrey because I think he’s really funny. Then like out of nowhere the
babysitter just stopped functioning and died right there in front of us. Like,
bam!” said Grace. At first the children panicked, but cooler heads prevailed
and after a few minutes the three agreed to call the authorities for

“Those kids are so brave,” said Sheriff O’Donahue, the first
policeman to the scene of the babysitter’s demise. “I don’t know what I would have done in
the same situation. But they kept their cool and called the local electronics
repairman.” Unfortunately for the Englebarts, the repairman was unable to arrive in time to save the day since his next opening was in July.

Local law enforcement officials are suspecting the
babysitter died of natural causes, although foul play has not been ruled out
entirely. An electrical storm may have caused a power surge, leading to the regrettable
incident, but scratches on the babysitter’s back and small puddles of spilled cherry
kool-aid on the sitter’s extremities have lead detectives to delay ruling
out any of the three children as contributing to the babysitter’s untimely

“Our babysitter has always been so dependable in the past,”
said Mrs. Englebart. Mr. Englebart added, “The sitter always took great care of
the kids and helped free up some time to ourselves once in awhile. We demand
the authorities get to the bottom of this, and soon. Hopefully before the NBA

TURIN, Italy –
Following God-awful ratings for the 2006 Winter Games, NBC
executives have resigned themselves to suffering through two more gruesome, painful
years of extremely high viewer ship. “I’m just not sure if the network can
survive the lucrative revenue that comes with a slate of enormously popular
television programming,” said NBC president Bob Wright. “I can’t wait until we
regain industry mediocrity and low ratings with coverage of the 2008 Summer
Olympics.” Viewer numbers were down over 37 percent compared to the 2002 Games. For mysterious reasons, audiences seemed to favor new episodes of Lost, Dancing With the Stars and
Grey’s Anatomy over the once-in-a-lifetime chance to view a bunch of foreigners
from obscure countries sliding down hills on sticks attached to their feet.

“I can’t imagine why female viewers would rather watch a
fresh episode of Desperate Housewives when they could tune in to see if Denmark would
win gold in Curling,” said NBC Director of Programming Ronni Attenello. The
2008 Olympics will offer NBC the chance to challenge ABC’s American Idol with
Olympic coverage of the Liechtenstein kayaking team, and
may also see new episodes of Fox’s Family Guy compete against their non-stop coverage of Badminton
and Ping-Pong. Until the 2008 Olympics, however, NBC will likely be forced to endure ratings success and once again trounce its rivals with
high-quality, popular shows.