Crips_1
SOUTH CENTRAL, Calif. – In an attempt to save his reputation as a cold-blooded inner-city gangster
with street cred, local hood Anfernee Marsallis has spent several years
pretending to love the movie Scarface while secretly adoring Pee-Wee’s Big
Adventure
. “I’m tired of sneaking around behind my homeys’ backs, but I gots to
do it if I wanna maintain my status as a ruthless gangsta sonuffabitch,” said
Marsallis.

Scarface_2
Over the years, the movie Scarface and its posters have become calling cards
for the urban gangster lifestyle. Posters of Al Pacino’s character from Brian
DePalma’s cult classic continue to be prominently displayed on the walls of the
homes of gang members, drug dealers and hoodlums all across the nation. Pee-Wee’s
Big Adventure
was Tim Burton’s cult hit from 1985 about a nerdy loser with a
speech impediment in a red bow-tie who went on cross-country trip to search for
his stolen bike.

Peewee_02
The affection Marsallis feels for the Paul Reubens’ character
has occasionally had dire consequences. In one harrowing incident, Marsallis
found himself on the wrong side of town surrounded by a rival gang of Bloods.
He attempted to win them over by reenacting a scene from the movie, where Pee
Wee won over a ruthless biker gang by dancing a “Tequila Dance” to the song by the Champs. Directly proceeding the altercation, Marsallis spent 7 weeks in
the local hospital’s ICU recovering from seven gunshot wounds to his legs and
abdomen.

“During last weeks liquor store robbery, my nigga Marcus
pulled out his gun and used Pacino’s famous line from Scarface– ‘Say hello to
my little friend.’ I wanted to keep my mind on the cash register, but all I
could think about was how I craved to say ‘Tell em’ Large Marge sent ya!’
instead.”

The fondness the gangsta culture has for Pacino’s Scarface has
not translated into other films, and Marsallis is fearful nobody will ever
understand his obsession with Pee Wee. Still, he holds out hope someday he won’t
have to hide his love for the 80’s cult favorite.  “He may have been a scrawny little white guy,
but Pee Wee was one bad muthafucker with a cool ass bike!”


LAS VEGAS, Nev. -In a failed attempt to cash in on the recent popularity of Texas Hold Em’
Poker tournaments, ESPN admitted they had miscalculated the demand to see the
world’s best players vie in a World Series of Strip Poker. “We wanted credibility,
so we hired only the top players in the world for the game. But we forget to
consider how truly ugly and disgusting the great poker players actually are,” said
ESPN programming vice president Charles Bender.

Promoters neglected to consider the fact that most of today’s renowned poker players make a living by sitting on their asses indoors drinking
and eating for extended periods of time. This has led them to develop poor
hygiene, pock marks and excessive flabbiness. “I love Texas Hold Em’,” said local
poker enthusiast Tina Flanagan, “But most of the guys who play the game make Keith
Richards look like Brad Pitt. I’d rather see a three legged puppy hump a dead
monkey than watch those guys strip down to their birthday suits. Yuck.”

Nielsen ratings tracked the downward spiral of the World
Series of Strip Poker telecast, revealing that viewership slipped after Huck
Seed’s straight flush forced a befuddled Johnny Chan to reveal the lacy pink
thong he wore under his shorts. The telecast lost nearly all its viewers after
perennial poker legend Doyle Brunsen had to slip off the collared t-shirt he wore,
exposing his saggy, mole-infested man tits. After an ace failed to show on the
river, the sight of Phil Hellmuth’s shriveled, pale nutsack caused many in the
tournament audience to vomit explosively.

ESPN had hoped Jennifer Tilly, the voluptuous actress and a legitimate female
poker champion, would agree to appear in the strip poker
tournament. But talks deteriorated after she scoffed at the channel’s initial courtship. “If you think I want to be in the
room while a bunch of pasty old fat men expose the junk in their trunk, you’re
kidding yourself,” replied Tilly.

 

 

 

DENVER, Col. – Seen as a pioneer in his industry, humble drug dealer and entrepreneur Ernest Jones has decided to cut into his
competition by accepting his competitor’s coupons at face value.

For a limited time, Jones has offered to accept buy-one-get-one-free
coupons. “If you bring in a
competitor’s coupon, I will honor it. Buy one dime
bag of Stardust, Blow, Rock, Snow, Dirt, Meth, Ludes, Skid, Angel Dust,
Shrooms, Ganja, Roofies, Sleepers or Whippits and get another bag of equal or
lesser value, absolutely free. Get twice the smack at half the price!” said
Jones.

Due to recent police crackdowns and the movement of rival
drug dealers in his area, Jones has had to endure a shrinking clientele and
waning sales figures. Recent statistics revealed that Jones’ quarterly earnings are hovering at an all-time low. He expressed that his main goal is to seek innovative ways to increase
the drug trafficking income he receives from his Colfax Avenue territory, between Quebex and Spruce. “I’ve
got to find a way to meet my muthafuckin’ projections. I gots to get paid.”   

Other marketing strategies, including punch cards towards free blow and complimentary toaster ovens with bulk reefer purchases, have met with mixed success. Where those strategies failed, the local dealer anticipates this particular offer to reap record profits.

Added Jones, “Don’t be trying to use your coupons in conjunction
with any other promotion or discount including blowjobs
given to me by skeezers. This offer subject to availability, so don’t make me
bust a cap in yo ass. Not valid during drug dealing peak hours. Offer valid
only when you pay with cold, hard cash. Valid one per day- that means you,
tweakers. Not valid where prohibited or while I’m locked up waiting for bail. And
it’s non-fucking-transferable, bitch.”