Congress Considers Ban on Elderly Marriage

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Congress may soon be poised to consider several competing proposals to ban
marriage between elderly men and women. Polls show that many Americans oppose
elderly marriage on moral and religious grounds, but are conflicted on whether
or not a constitutional amendment banning old people from matrimony is the
correct step to take.

Majority Leader Senator Boehner (R) has not yet delineated the details of
the proposed old-person marriage ban making its way in the Senate, but he told
reporters on Tuesday that traditional marriage was “under siege” and “old
people are denigrating this sacred institution, and we plan to defend it at all
costs. Marriage should only be between a young man and a young woman, period.”

The emotionally troublesome legislative issue has been a source of disparity
in a population deeply divided in opinion on the subject. House minority leader
Nancy Pelosi (D) insisted the legislation was just a ploy to energize the
conservative base. “The Right has long considered the AARP a political foe, and
this is just yet another sleazy ploy to get out the youth vote.” Some
conservative congressmen have urged caution, as they don’t want to be accused
of geriatric-bashing.

Anti-Elderly organizations have recently conducted a coordinated national
effort to combat elderly weddings, seeing it as a disintegration of the very
foundations of American society. These groups consistently believe that the
consummation of an elderly man and woman is morally repugnant and indefensible.

“It’s disgusting,” said Tanya Polanski, a 23 year old picketer outside the
Washington Mall. “It’s totally unnatural. They’re a bunch of filthy sickening
degenerates. I mean, at that age, doing what they do? Just the thought of those
wrinkly, saggy bodies throbbing against each other, their shriveled up limbs
and shapeless torsos writhing, body parts oozing…” Polanski periodically
interrupted her rant with dry heaves and violent convulsions.

Opponents of elderly weddings insist that they are not prejudiced, but are
merely blessed defenders of the traditional definition of matrimony as only
between virile young men and fertile woman. “Marriage is under attack,” said
Elton Branford of the Urban Youth League. “Name one constructive purpose two
geezers getting married serves. They can’t ever have kids and most of them’ll
die of some disease in the next few years anyway. Elderly marriage is a drain on society’s resources.”

Former presidential candidate Bob Dole saw the recent anti-elderly movement
in his party disconcerting. He believes old people have just as much right to
get married as anyone else. “I’m certainly in the demographic that this legislation
targets,” said Dole. “What’s wrong with Elizabeth and I having sex? We’re in love. Does age really matter? Isn’t it really just
about two people sharing a unique bond, devoting their lives to each other,
being active and fruitful members of the community?” Boehner replied that while
he respected the former Senator’s position, the thought of the Doles boning
each other was “enough to make me lose my breakfast, lunch and dinner."

Massive boycotts have paralyzed companies like pharmaceutical manufacturer Pfizer.
Pfizer’s drug Viagra is held responsible by many fundamentalists for the
resurgence of promiscuity in the elderly population. Rising opposition to
state-subsidized access to Viagra has made some politicians quietly reconsider
the 2004 Medicaire prescription Bill. Boycotts of Geritol and Vic’s Vapo Rub
have had a crippling effect on retirement home morale, and ratings for
syndicated Matlock reruns are down 57% since the elderly marriage ban reached
the floor of Congress.

Branford didn’t seem to betray any sympathy for the struggles of elderly
couples for equal rights. “The activities these geezers are committing are sins
against God and nature. The Lord our Savior intended marriage to be a sacred
institution between a young man and woman for the sole purpose of procreation.
Not so two wrinkly, geriatric bodies could go at it like ferrets. It’s an
affront to our very way of life. These Seniors are sinners, and should repent
of their repugnant lifestyle instead of spending their time sticking it in each
others dusty, dried up holes.”

Related legislation banning elderly adoption of young children may be introduced in the Senate as early as next Thursday. Sponsor of the bill, Senator Santorum (R) has conveyed deep misgivings about elderly adoption, claiming a child seeing ones parents wearing similar diapers to their own would cause irreperable harm  to their natural development.