PENSACOLA, Florida – In what is considered a lateral career move, twenty-eight year old local drug dealer Harry Macowski applied and was successfully employed as manager of the local UPS Store. “Working for UPS, I’m still distributing high quality crack and smack to punk ass tweakers, but everyone thinks I’m legit. I love drug dealing and shit, but I was tired of standing on the street corner all night just to finance my Mercedes, know what I’m sayin’? Working for UPS I can still deliver drugs to junkies, but now they’re all in a bunch of brown boxes,” said Macowski.
Although UPS has long garnered a reputation in the underground as an easy way to ship illegal narcotics undetected, the company hadn’t directly acknowledged that connection until Macowski’s hiring. “Opiates are huge for us. We get a ton of business from these guys shipping dope back and forth,” said UPS Florida regional director Florence Applegate. “We’re very happy with Harry. He has specialized in narcotic distribution for over ten years, so it was a perfect fit for us.”
Ironically, the term UPS has used to describe itself, Brown, is also slang for heroin and marijuana. As a result of this newfound honesty, UPS will unroll a new advertising slogan in the coming summer months entitled “What Shit can Brown Do for You, Motherfucker?”