Drug Dealer to Accept Competitors’ Coupons

DENVER, Col. – Seen as a pioneer in his industry, humble drug dealer and entrepreneur Ernest Jones has decided to cut into his
competition by accepting his competitor’s coupons at face value.

For a limited time, Jones has offered to accept buy-one-get-one-free
coupons. “If you bring in a
competitor’s coupon, I will honor it. Buy one dime
bag of Stardust, Blow, Rock, Snow, Dirt, Meth, Ludes, Skid, Angel Dust,
Shrooms, Ganja, Roofies, Sleepers or Whippits and get another bag of equal or
lesser value, absolutely free. Get twice the smack at half the price!” said

Due to recent police crackdowns and the movement of rival
drug dealers in his area, Jones has had to endure a shrinking clientele and
waning sales figures. Recent statistics revealed that Jones’ quarterly earnings are hovering at an all-time low. He expressed that his main goal is to seek innovative ways to increase
the drug trafficking income he receives from his Colfax Avenue territory, between Quebex and Spruce. “I’ve
got to find a way to meet my muthafuckin’ projections. I gots to get paid.”   

Other marketing strategies, including punch cards towards free blow and complimentary toaster ovens with bulk reefer purchases, have met with mixed success. Where those strategies failed, the local dealer anticipates this particular offer to reap record profits.

Added Jones, “Don’t be trying to use your coupons in conjunction
with any other promotion or discount including blowjobs
given to me by skeezers. This offer subject to availability, so don’t make me
bust a cap in yo ass. Not valid during drug dealing peak hours. Offer valid
only when you pay with cold, hard cash. Valid one per day- that means you,
tweakers. Not valid where prohibited or while I’m locked up waiting for bail. And
it’s non-fucking-transferable, bitch.”