In a rare joint session of Congress, a new law was passed
late Thursday making it a federal crime to speak any language besides English
on American soil, causing immediate deportation of millions of naturally born
white Americans. As the end of Thursday’s session quickly approached, the
Republican controlled Congress put finishing touches on the Patriot Language
Act which makes English the official language of the United State under penalty of law.
Under the directive, the INS now has the power to deport any
person in America caught using a language not resembling proper English to a
detention center in Guantanamo. The
IPA, the APA, and the editors of Webster’s Dictionary have all agreed to advise
the INS in this potentially monumental endeavor.
In addition to the expected roundup of Taco Bell drive-thru
attendants, the Act has already had several unintended effects. Most notably is
the upcoming deportation of the nation’s entire teen population. Millions of American ages 13-18 are scheduled to be rounded up and shipped to Cuba over the coming months as a result of not being able to put together a normal, grammatically correct sentence in English.The outcry may inspire protests even larger than the
immigration marches of the past few weeks.
“Like, that is sooooo wrong, oh my gawd. They’re, like
taking us to Cuba?
I’m totally not going to Mexico,
fer sure. I mean, like do they even have, like, a Gap there and stuff? As if.
Don’t even go there. Pshaw,” said 15 year old Britney Mayfield of Beverly Hills
Another unintentional side affect of the new legislation was
the complete decimation of the entire rap industry. INS officials have already taken into custody
some of the more pernicious non-English speaking offenders, including Snoop
Dogg, 50 Cent, Ludacris and Juvenile. As a result, MTV has suspended all
tapings of Total Request Live.
Said INS Commissioner James Ziglar, “Rounding up all the
non-English speaking rappers and hippity-hop artists was extremely simple. We
knew where they were, since 59% of all known rappers are already in prison."
Experts speculate that the next group of non-English speakers
to be targeted for deportation by the INS may be the more egregious offenders
of the internet community. “If you have ever instant messaged somebody with indecipherable
hieroglyphics of any sort, you will be taken into custody,” said Ziglar. “Who’s
Critics of the ‘English Only’ law see it as a rash response
to the recent immigration debate. “It’s obviously a ploy by Republican
lawmakers to appeal to their base,” said ACLU spokesman John Bernard. “Being a
patriotic American is not predicated on whether or not you end a sentence with
a preposition or leave participles dangling all the time.”
Said one angry detainee after being confined to an INS cell
for deportation, “Awwwwww, hell no. This ain’t right, yo. Naw, fo sho. Theyz
all up in my bidness when day be comin’ up in my crib and take me and my
shortie for a ride. We are izzal mad, dawg, gettin’ yo ass thrown outta
da stizzates fo mutilatin’ da language n’ shit. Naw, I ain’t havin’ dat, ya know what I’m sayin’? Fo real.
Sponsor of the bill, Congressman James Sensenbrenner of Wisconsin, was unrepentant
for what he called “a boon for the real Americans. Some whiners may say that
rounding up and deporting everyone who doesn’t speak English is too drastic.
But that’s pre-9/11 thinking. These people cannot be tolerated any longer. If you
live in America
you had better speak English. Capisce?”
After signing the legislation into law, President Bush
declared, “Our nation’s long nightmare is finally over. At long last we have
one, single national language that can unite us from sea to shining sea. So now
when I ask the question ‘is our children learning?’ Americans can be confident
that the answer is ‘Yes. Yes they is.’” CNN reports that they acquired tape
showing that immediately after his speech, Bush was apprehended by INS
officials for questioning.