SEATTLE, Wash. – Having received a DVD copy of The Godfather Part III for his birthday, 17
year old Seattle native Brian Engle
must decide whether or not to actually watch the shittiest of Francis Ford
Coppola’s sprawling, epic trilogy. “I’ve heard that it’s confusing, it drags,
and that Sofia Coppola takes a big dump all over the film with her pathetic
mugging.” Part three has long been criticized for being the most inferior and
unnecessary, known to some as the Joey Fatone of the Godfather films.
Not the first time in his life he’s been forced to make tough
programming choices, Engle has often chosen putrid entertainment based on name
recognition alone. “I loved Mark Wahlberg in The Italian Job, so when my sister
pulled out You Gotta Believe by Markie Mark and the Funky Bunch, I was like
ayyyight. But Daaaaaamn, I got a hernia from trying to chew my ears off.” When asked if he listened to the entire album anyway, Engle responded, "Of course."
Engle has also used his dismal taste in entertainment to
avoid real life decisions. Last week he put off calling his girlfriend of two and a half
years to apologize for ignoring her after getting sucked into a 7 hour long Real World
marathon. “It wasn’t even one of the good series. It was fuckin’ London
for God’s sake. Still, it was better than the alternative,” said Engle as he
slipped the Godfather DVD into his entertainment system’s player. "Oh, check out this commercial. I hate it, it sucks so much. Can’t stand it. Hold on, shut up, it’s not finished yet…"