Iran Considers Release of Kevin Federline’s Album an Act of War

(UNASSOCIATED PRESS) WASHINGTON D.C. – During a recent statement to foreign
dignitaries, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced that the August
2006 release of Keven Federline’s album Playing with Fire would be considered an
outright “Declaration of War.” That the album will surely bomb combined with
the fact that the bomb will drop later this year has all but destroyed the
possibility of diplomatic discussions with Iran.

“Such unprovoked aggression by the United States would be completely unacceptable,”
declared Ahmadinejad from the steps of Ayatolla Khomeini’s tomb. “The Great
Satan must not let an untalented, mediocre hanger-on to jeopardize our livelihood. If the Federline unleashes his pollutants on us, we will be required to retaliate
with the Iron Fist of Allah’s Will.”

The recent development has threatened tentative talks amongst
the United States,
the European Union and Iran.
At stake is Iran’s
continued insistence on pursuing uranium enrichment, claiming it to be for use
as fuel in civilian nuclear power plants. The United States and other western countries fear it will be used to create nuclear
weapons which may be used against them. 

The talks have been on shaky ground for weeks, and many
insiders consider Federline’s album to be the straw that may break the camel’s
back. “Although the album is certain to be a big steaming pile crap, that it has
become the centerpiece of a mounting international crisis is quite unexpected,”
said an executive at a major music label.

Also at stake is the burgeoning career of Britney Spears’
husband. Despite the fact that it isn’t due to be released until later this
year, Kevin Federline’s upcoming album and its tracks have already garnered
ample negative publicity and mockery. Petey Pablo, the guest artist rumored to
appear on the album, has already fled the country to an undisclosed location to
wait out the attacks.


Ahmadinejad is not the only Iranian demanding a stop to
Federline’s musical career. Many Islamic critics have renounced the album’s
release as mean-spirited antagonism at a time when moderation is the key. In a
sense, with Playing with Fire, Federline is literally playing with fire.

“I don’t know what da big deal is, yo. I just wanna kick out
the dope ass rhymes and rhythmic flava fo da masses,” said a remarkably white
Federline while rubbing his nipple through the soiled wife-beater adorning his
torso. “What’s Tehran got against a
nice beat that’ll get the ladies a wigglin’ they booties on the dance floor? We
gotta get dose sweet ho’s outta dose burkhas somehows, yaknowhati’msayin’?”

Negotiations with Iran have been temporarily postponed as the focus of the UN Security Council has
turned to opening a dialogue with Federline’s agent. “If he releases the album,
the people of Iran will surely see it as an official act of war by the U.S. That damn wigger always fuckin’ things up,
with his gold diggin’ ass,” said European Union foreign policy chief Javier
Solana.