Jason Voorhees’ Feeding Tube Removed


(UNASSOCIATED PRESS) – The feeding tube of renowned killer Jason Voorhees, the man in the middle of a bitter moral and legal battle that has drawn national attention, was removed by state officials on Tuesday at the behest of the families of his numerous victims. Voorhees had been in a persistent vegetative state for nine years after being discovered unconscious and in a coma at the bottom of Crystal Lake.

It was a dramatic moment that encapsulated the extreme emotions on all sides of the struggle to decide the fate of the infamous boogeyman. The controversy has endured nine years of arduous court battles, and had taken its toll on the families of the victims of Voorhees’ alleged bloodlust and wrath.

At 2:15 p.m. on Tuesday, doctors removed the feeding tube from Jason’s grey, moldy forearm, placing it gently next to the flowers of well wishers and his famed hockey mask on the counter by his hospital bed. Without liquid nourishment, Jason could still remain alive for two to four weeks before dying of dehydration.

This may be the last chapter in the onerous saga that began almost 50 years ago when Jason Voorhees drowned in Crystal Lake as careless teenage camp counselors had sexual relations. Although the details of the last half century are vague and contradictory, most experts agree that numerous violent and bloody battles had left him with permanent brain damage.

After being retrieved from the bottom of Crystal Lake nine years ago, a dozen doctors have consistently diagnosed him to be in a persistent vegetative state. The controversy developed a life of its own since Jason left no living will describing his desires, rarely speaking of such wishes to anyone.

Some have claimed that Jason would not have wanted to be kept alive artificially and that it should be removed so he may pass on. Fans of the serial killer and Right-to-Life activists have fought to keep his feeding tube attached, declaring his condition could improve with the right rehabilitation.

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A spokesman for the families involved in the killing sprees expressed relief at a hastily prepared press conference. “We’ve battled long and hard to get to this point, but we’re satisfied with the court’s decision. Jason will not be kept alive through a tube. We know he’s been killed numerous times before. But this time it’s different. He’s not coming back. We can finally rest at ease. Nope. Nu-uh. No chance of him coming back from the dead this time. He’s dead forever. Yep.”

The families’ spokesman elaborated on their plans to file lawsuits in civil court on behalf of the 144 victims allegedly murdered by Jason over a period of 26 years if the feeding tube is reattached.

They may seek restitution for Jason’s alleged butchery, which includes accusations of triple decapitation, machete hacking, head crushing, bludgeoning with a wrench, throat slashing, eye gouging, drowning, strangulation, as well as impalement with various objects including knives, spears, mirror chards, pitchforks, knitting needles, fireplace pokers, axes, railroad spikes, corkscrews, meat cleavers, garden shears and harpoons.

Andrew McMullan, lawyer for the Voorhees Estate vowed the battle was not over. “We hope to make an emergency appeal the 11th U.S. Circuit’s decision. The clock is ticking. Do these people have no compassion? Jason is starving to death right now. That’s somebody’s son suffering in the hospital. Are they heartless?”

“Well, we know at least one of Jason’s victims is heartless- Jason ripped his heart right out of his chest!” said Thomas Stanton, father of Suzi, a teenage girl Jason allegedly stabbed with a spear while on a Senior Class boat trip in 1989.

In an ironic twist, the actions of Congress have only reinforced the opinion of many who believe Jason Voorhees’ fate is being exploited for political purposes. The House of Representatives convened in an emergency session to pass legislation overriding the state court’s decision.

Said House Majority Leader John Boehner, “We need to save Jason. He can’t suffer a slow death through starvation. We want him to live, so way we can try him for all those murders. Then we can give him the electric chair. We can’t let activist judges take away the fun of murdering that son of a bitch ourselves!”

After being informed electrocution had previously reanimated Jason from the dead twice already, Boehner seemed confused. “Well that doesn’t make any sense at all. Wait, what? He drowned in 1957, right? How many times has he risen from the dead? Nine, ten times at least, right? How in the hell could electricity possibly…ah, fuck it.”

The dispute over Vorhees’ feeding tube follows quickly on the heels of other high profile cases involving famous killers. Most notably are the Leprechaun’s successful discrimination lawsuit after Cedar Point refused him admission to several roller coasters, Chucky from Child’s Play being tried as a minor for his crimes, and the Supreme Court’s ruling in favor of Freddy Krueger in Krueger v. Duraflame.

One thought on “Jason Voorhees’ Feeding Tube Removed

  1. Classic! Great article. Thanks for your post on the October Lounge. Stop by and visit anytime.

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