FT. LAUDERDALE, Flor. – In an attempt to shore up lagging poll numbers in her campaign for the Republican senatorial nomination, congresswoman Katherine Harris has decided to offer delicious, homemade cupcakes to anyone who will vote for her in the election. “It worked when I ran for treasurer in the 5th grade. My mom prepared these scrumptious double-chocolate and peanut butter delight cupcakes with extra frosting and rainbow sprinkles. We handed them out next to the slide on the school playground. Believe me, one bite and you’d have voted Stalin for dog catcher,” said Harris through her swollen, pouty lips and clown-school makeup.
Harris hopes her cupcakes will help her recover from a disastrous downward spiral, as Democratic incumbent Bill Nelson has pulled ahead by as many as 30 percentage points. Her Senate campaign has been riddled with vexing difficulties including problems with retaining volunteers, accusations of fraud, her sometimes gaudy appearance and an inability to deal with her own bizarre statements. While the effectiveness and legality of her cupcake tactic is still uncertain, Harris admits that if her poll numbers don’t improve she may have to up the ante. “I’ll like, totally make out with anyone who votes for me. With tongue. Seriously, meet me behind the bleachers.”