Local Man Tired of Nightclub Music Bossing Him Around

PHILADELPHIA, PA- After spending nearly an hour on the dance floor at Butterfly Echo, a trendy
local nightclub, 34 year old Leroy McPherson finally had enough of the house
music bossing him around and demanding he perform specific tasks. “I’m just
tired of the music telling me what to do all the time. Move Your Body, Shout, Push it, Put Your Hands in the Air, Lean Back. For Fuck’s sake, I just came to the club to relax
and let off some steam,” said McPherson, an accounts
receivable clerk at a local trucking company. “I spend the whole day with my
manager breathing down my neck, I don’t need this kind of pressure. The last
thing I need is some music demanding I do this or that. Jesus H. Christ.”

Musicologists trace the origins of bossy, dictatorial music to square dancing,
where bombastic ringleaders coerce innocent bystanders to dance precisely the way they want them
to, with no other options available. The Bossy Music movement seemed to peak
with the song “Hokey Pokey”, where the music bullied and forced dancers to put
their body parts in and out of a circle in repetitive increments against their
will. “The least the song could do is ask nicely. Like, ‘Put your hands in the Air, If You Feel Like It’, ‘Walk This Way, Unless You’re Tired’, ‘Back that Ass
Up, Pretty Please.’ That’s all I ask, damnit,” said McPherson.